When Ex-Wife Met Ex-Girlfriend

I’d already had what she was having, but neither of us wanted it any more.

Trigger warning: Themes of domestic abuse are discussed.

I would never have guessed I’d be sitting here having a coffee and laughing with my ex-husband’s former girlfriend, talking openly about the man we had shared and his abusive behavior towards both of us.

A few weeks earlier we almost walked past each other again — eyes narrowed, claws out — a restrained cat fight in human form.

But this time something different happened, there was a shift in the air. We stopped and took a breath.

It was the scent of sweet serendipity filling our nostrils, tendrils of sisterhood entwining our hearts and preventing us from continuing along our separate ways.

“How are you?” she suddenly gushed, “Are you okay?”

“Have you recovered from him yet?”

She finally got it — she understood why I tried to warn her. Why I tried to tell her what my ex-husband was really like.

Since I last saw them, he had moved on again to the next woman in his firing line and now discarded her to drown in the wake of his indifference.

It dawned on both of us that we were the same: Two women abused, destroyed and abandoned — a mutual support group of our ex’s own unwitting creation.

I looked deep into her eyes, standing motionless on that bustling sidewalk and saw a genuine empathy and understanding reflected back at me.

We exchanged numbers and made hasty arrangements for a future coffee date.

The plan? We would meet and compare notes on the horrors of being in a relationship with our ex.

Fast forward a couple of months and there we were, smiling and hugging like any ordinary two girlfriends meeting up. Nobody around us could have guessed our secret.

We had both been psychologically abused by the same man.

It was weird. We shared about ourselves and our own childhood and current lives more than we talked about him. We discussed book recommendations. We opened up about family, about grief and loss. Conversation flowed over old wounds.

It was not completely painless. We both had apologies to make for things that had been said and done, while we were still rivals. We had butted horns when she was dating my husband and I was trying to divorce him as quickly as possible.

A few years ago I could never have imagined us getting together to chat over coffee. I hated her with a passion and resented the time she got to spend with my kids, playing happy families.

She was taking my daughters shopping for handbags while I was a single mother struggling to put food on the table.

But now, there were no grudges between us. Anything we had felt or said or done paled next to our ex’s shocking behavior.

It was no surprise that we had both figured out his abuse was narcissistic.

We discussed what kind of narcissist he was. Was he covert passive-aggressive, or an overt narcissist? He displayed some characteristics of both personality disorders.

We talked about his extreme displays of jealousy and his simmering rage.

There didn’t have to be an agenda, the conversation never faltered. It was easy and we shared such similar experiences of the way he had treated us year after year.

It was as if we had been classmates and were sharing memories of the bully principal before he got fired for misconduct.

Except, unfortunately for us, our ex hadn’t been fired. He just moved on to the next victim.

The idea of revenge didn’t arise, but if it had, we had ample motivation. He had lied to both of us, cheated on us, emotionally, and probably physically. He made selfish financial decisions that impacted both of our futures, and those of our children.

He had made both of us feel ugly and unwanted.

We boosted each other’s confidence by stating the obvious that neither of us was either ugly or unwanted. We were both regaining a healthy sense of self-esteem after our ex had tried to burn it to the ground.

We decided to keep in touch and, who knows what might happen in the future? We’re both in better places after moving on from our mutual ex and getting stronger all the time.

We don’t have plans to meet again any time soon but just knowing she’s on my side now makes me feel better.

They say that Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned.

Well now there are two of us.

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