Beware the Oblivious Narcissist
AKA the bad guy who thinks he’s the good guy.
Have you ever had a conversation with someone you’re attracted to, that has left you feeling physically uncomfortable and confused?
It’s possible you’ve had an encounter with an oblivious narcissist.
There is a spectrum of narcissism that ranges from those who are hyper-aware and hypervigilant manipulators, to those who breeze through life thinking they are gods and that any and all of their behavior is correct and beyond reproach. They don’t have a clue about the damage they are doing to those around them.
We’ve had one of the latter showing how incredibly dangerous oblivious narcissists are in the White House for the last four years.
Characteristics of the oblivious narcissist:
- Insensitive to others.
- Fears irrelevance and feeling unloved (un-adored).
- Attention-seeking and grandiose.
- Violates others’ boundaries and manipulates in relationships.
- Makes life decisions to boost superficial image and ego-driven success.
The oblivious narcissist will tell you, “You’re beautiful, I love you, but you look fat in that skirt.” He will genuinely think he is giving you a compliment and be upset if you don’t like it.
If you do or say something he is unhappy about and he says to you that “normal” people wouldn’t do it that way, have a pause and think about the implications of that remark.
What is he saying about you? That you are weird or abnormal. That you are the one with the problem, because his opinion, like his behavior, can never be wrong.
Deep insecurities create a dangerous kind of narcissism. The profoundly insecure person creates a personality construct for themselves that protects them from harm. They surround themselves by any means possible with sycophants and a support network of cheerleaders to give them admiration and adoration. Or at least people who will not confront or challenge them.
They will be at pains to tell you how kind they are
They will tell you tales of their neighborly concerns, their environmental projects, how concerned they are about current affairs and political correctness. They will dress up as an ally but secretly be quite the opposite.
They will talk about the need to care about the future and climate change. And then drive around in a gas-guzzling sports car without seeing the hypocrisy in their actions. In their minds, they are a caring environmentalist and as always, their actions are not open to question.
I made the mistake of being fooled by one of them that I worked with. He started the love-bombing phase in our workplace by being super helpful, taking me aside for chats to discuss my level of job satisfaction, and giving me more responsibilities when I wanted them.
I dated him for nearly two years until I realized my error of judgment.
They will turn on you when you least expect it
You can be saying or doing something completely innocuous and they will use it to make a subtle dig at you. You might not be able to pin down exactly what it was that made you die a little inside but you feel it nonetheless.
I visited the optician with my ex and when trying on his new glasses he recoiled suddenly as if seeing me more clearly had been an unpleasant experience for him. He then used one of his usual phrases — “just a joke” — designed to ensure I didn’t complain about his behavior or become justifiably hurt or angry. Because it was just a joke.
I now understand that this was a deflection of his own vanity/anxiety at having to give in to his advancing age and wear reading glasses. By turning his attention to me, by making me feel uncomfortable and bad about myself, he deflected his own anxiety about his appearance with new glasses.
Everything they do is bolstering their delicate ego and self-image, even if it means hurting other people around them.
Everything is about appearances
The oblivious narcissist will be obsessed with dressing stylishly, driving a flashy car, and other displays of grandiosity.
They believe in their own self-importance and want other people to confirm this with their admiration/adoration.
But if anybody ever points out the shallowness of these possessions/items, they will have what they believe is a valid excuse for owning them. The multiple cars are for tax reasons, the enormous house was a conservation project.
If you call them out on their narcissism they will be defensive and self-justifying. They talk the talk but don’t walk the walk when it comes to morals and principles.
You can’t ever give them enough attention
My narcissistic boss will stand on a floorboard in the office and rock from side to side to make it squeak, thus causing you to turn round and give him attention.
If you don’t turn round, he will not stop doing it. Narcissists have endless patience and resources when it comes to acquiring their narcissistic supply.
From repeating the same “funny” joke or catchphrase over and over until it makes you want to scream, to altering emails from happy customers to make them sound even more full of praise than they actually were, the oblivious narcissist will stop at nothing to gain your attention and admiration.
They will surround themselves with sycophants and empathic individuals and work really hard to ensure that everybody likes them, at least on a superficial level. They don’t care about real connections, just ones that make them look good.
They don’t let the mask slip very often
For the nearly 2 years when I dated my boss, he alternated between going out of his way to help me and making cruel and angry comments. He called me an ignoramus and told me I was talking rubbish if I ever said anything he disagreed with.
It was very reminiscent of my ex-husband’s narcissistic rage and fury.
With the exception that it was very flash in the pan, as though the smooth veneer only slipped for a moment before being replaced.
He would be impatient and have no empathy or understanding about my single-parent status and my children’s needs. His needs were always paramount.
He would constantly tell me how much he admired and respected women. But then casually use derogatory terms like sluts and bitches when referring to women in public roles.
Spotting them takes careful observation
You have to get past their construct of niceness, to the real person beneath.
They won’t inadvertently tell you who they really are as some abusers and narcissists do. They genuinely believe they are wonderful and will be at pains to keep up the facade as much as possible.
Look for little signs: the use of a derogatory term, a racial slur, or something demeaning that they immediately dismiss as “a joke”.
Stay connected to your body and your feelings. In the intensity of a new romance, question whether your “excitement” isn’t really anxiety about rejection and uncertain hope about a rosy future. Do you feel free to be open and honest and set boundaries, or are you walking on eggshells?
Can you be yourself with them? Do you feel excited to see them but also kind of dread it at the same time? That is a red flag that shouldn’t be ignored.
Conclusions
While it’s not an exhaustive list, the following signs suggest that you’re dealing with an oblivious narcissist. Tread carefully.
- If they like being the most popular person at a party.
- They tend to take charge of most situations.
- Often fantasize about having lots of success and power.
- Can talk their way into and out of anything.
- If they will use people as tools to advance themselves.
- They don’t think the rules apply to them as much as they apply to others.
- They don’t generally pay much attention to the woes of others.
- If they think they are a superior person.
- If they will try almost anything to get their “thrills”.
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