Summary

The website content humorously discusses the author's playful approach to the cultural superstition of blessing someone after they sneeze, juxtaposing it with historical beliefs and modern scientific understanding.

Abstract

The author shares a lighthearted account of their and their daughter's frequent sneezing, which has led to a humorous tradition of saying inventive phrases instead of the traditional "Bless you." The article explores the historical and cultural significance of sneezing, ranging from ancient Greek beliefs that a sneeze could expel the soul to medieval European notions of demonic possession. It also touches on the persistence of these superstitions despite scientific evidence to the contrary, which suggests that death from sneezing is extremely unlikely. The author uses wit to express their frustration with the repetitive nature of blessings after sneezes and their daughter's insistence on the practice, even creating a list of whimsical alternatives to "Bless you" and contemplating absurd scenarios involving sneezing and superstition.

Opinions

The author does not believe in the necessity of saying "Bless you" after every sneeze, especially since they are not Catholic and do not attend church.
They find the repetition of "Bless you" tiresome and has devised creative and humorous alternatives to say after sneezing.
The author humorously questions the validity of the superstition by suggesting that if their daughter were to sneeze under specific conditions (like being pregnant and facing the moon), it might lead to her soul being stolen by a demon.
They mock the idea of their daughter's potential death from sneezing, especially given the rarity of such an event according to modern science.
The author playfully suggests that their daughter's excessive sneezing could be related to her involvement in nefarious activities, such as "murdering zoo animals."
They acknowledge the entertainment value of their other writings, which are more twisted and require more time and effort, and invite readers to explore these stories.

#294 — DEAD OR ALIVE | KICKING THE SNOT BUCKET

When A Sneeze Requires A Priest’s Last Rites

Not “Bless you!” — say “Guava Juice!” or “Pump Rainbow” as Absolution before I die!

Bless Me, Oh Lord, For I have sneezed

My daughter and I have been sneezing a lot lately. It could be pollen, dust, or the dead skunk in the corner. Whatever.

The kid demands a “Bless YOU!” every time she sneezes. We’re not Catholic. We don’t even go to church. Yet, I’m tempted each time to list her sins and minor crimes and ask what else she wants to confess.

I’m sure there’s more she hasn’t told me about the bunny mummies and kangaroo carcasses in the basement.

Despite conventional wisdom — from thousands of years ago — I don’t believe a sneeze means she’s entitled to Last Rites.

I could be wrong. But I’ve never been before.

Dammit! I just blew my winning streak by typing, I could be wrong!

Fine. Now I’ve been wrong — once. Ack! Wrong about being wrong! Twice!

À tes souhaits! (French for Gesundheit! (German))

I don’t need to be blessed each time I sneeze. And, I get tired of hearing it. I feel like I should apply ash to my forehead after the third time. So, I’ve gotten inventive.

Each day, I announce the alternative to “Bless you” I want to hear.

“Peacock Laughter!”, “Guava Juice!”, “Pineapple Peanuts!”, and “Lemon-lime Rainbow!” have made the list. She rejected “Disabled Dinosaur!”

Praying loved ones live

At first, I was tempted to limit the number of solemn, “Bless you, my child” utterances I’d grant after each sneeze. I printed them out like slips from fortune cookies. “Here. You’re only allowed 30 a day. Or, move the damned bodies that’ll certainly get you sent to Hell.”

The snotty-nosed kid objected. “Not good enough — I could die if you don’t say it!”

There’s something wrong with this picture. She’s not five, and I stopped being omnipotent 20 years ago, at least.

It’s nothing to sneeze at

Here’s what Bard, Google’s AI answer to ChatGPT has to say about it —

Ancient Greece: Some early Greek physicians theorized that the soul or pneuma (breath) resided in the head. They believed a powerful sneeze could expel the pneuma, resulting in death.

Medieval Europe: During the Middle Ages, one prevalent belief associated sneezing with possession by demons or evil spirits. The violent nature of the sneeze was seen as a sign of the spirit’s struggle to escape.

Early Modern Era: In some cultures, death by sneezing was linked to specific circumstances like sneezing during sleep, facing the moon, or while pregnant.

Scientific Explanation: Thankfully, modern science has debunked these myths. In extremely rare cases, pre-existing health conditions might be exacerbated by the sudden pressure, but death due solely to a sneeze is exceedingly improbable.

Salud! (Italian) or ¡Salud! (Spanish)

So. It’s “exceedingly improbable” my kid will die from a sneeze.

But AI is wrong about 60% of the time.

What if my soon-to-be angel gets pregnant and sleeps facing the moon, with a cold? Will her soul be stolen and replaced with a demon?

Will the demonic possession cause her to sneeze more?

Maybe I should dump a can of Red Bull on her and call it Holy Water.

But really, I just wish she’d stop murdering zoo animals.

Thanks for reading. Some of these others took a bit more time and effort.

A 2-minute twisted tale —

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