When a Loving Relationship is Effortless

The powerful bonds of a relationship can surpass family connection strengths

So much is written about romantic love, the love of child and parent, and best friends.

I have a bond of love in my life others may find unusual. It’s not really something I’ve analyzed before. However, the social distancing of the last two months has given me time for thoughtful understanding, to question and explore philosophies about this relationship I value.

We want to be an emotionally intelligent person, highly conscious of our own emotional states, and one who can identify and manage those emotions. We all know people who are especially tuned in to the emotions of others, and we can admire their skill.

Those people who inspire us to explore who we are, to understand how we connect with others. The people who support us while we manage our place in the world, find ourselves and experiment with change when we have the inclination. When the people we gather around us are experienced in relationships, it’s like being home.

When there is comfort, there’s also an enveloping sense of love. They have an open heart, they let you in and show you their trust and vulnerability. They own who they are, encouraging you to do the same. They disclose uncertainties, moods, feelings, and listen to you when you feel and express your vulnerability.

This level of love and understanding is not shared with everyone. When it is shared, it’s given with abundant and sensitive generosity, an open heart.

Understandably, sensitivity to emotional signals both from within oneself and from one’s social environment could make one a better friend, parent, leader, or romantic partner. Fortunately, these skills can be perfected.

Friends who know me well understand having my mother-in-law to visit is something I look forward to with excited anticipation.

We have a love of a wonderful man in common, and so much more. I didn’t know Sandra for long before I married her son, Hugh: her only child. I wasn’t a wife for long before I was a widow. We’re not mother/daughter substitutes, although we’re both motherless and daughterless.

Sandra and I connected with our common factor, and the connection is still strong.

My thoughts, as I leisurely wandered my beautiful property (I think of it as a retreat), centered on exploring why this connection happened and how the strength of it endures.

We’re from different generations, but we have unexpected histories and strengths in common.

Leadership roles in business/organizations

Sandra ran a successful architectural business with her husband. I think she had a heavier workload with behind the scenes work, accounting, office management, and scheduling. However, she never disclosed to me this workload was heavy.

Sandra referred to this time in her life as successful growth and challenges, satisfying achievements, and fulfilling her goals of architecture and motherhood. Her domestic workload was something she loved and took immense pride in enjoying.

My leadership goals were less lofty but demanding at work, and more relaxed at home. Most people would describe me as a high achiever. I know I strived and thrived in my career until Hugh died.

Willingness to embrace change and show adaptability

Both of us experienced a massive change in both environment and enterprise. Our enterprises today are less structured than before and much more creative.

I’ve taken on the ambitious undertaking of a vineyard and plan on extending it into a flourishing wine-producing business. I feel like a creator as I’m responsible for growing, harvesting, and arranging the processing for the final product. The creation comes back to me, beautifully labeled, and ready for sale or drinking.

Sandra has taken on photography — an extension of her hobby — and now a full-time freelance position. She has a design flair for exquisite detail from her architectural period, and the results are stunning.

Striving to become thriving experts

Social distancing required me to close my business. However, it hasn’t deterred me from exploring options and considering what other activities I can undertake while in lockdown and later on. I may have less income from the harvest this year. However, for the last three years, I’ve cultivated table grapes, which have more sugar, fewer seeds, and thinner skins, to diversify the business.

I’m not able to sell these at market or stores now, but I’m experimenting with chutneys, relish, and grape conserves. These I can label and market later, or online. I’m hoping to extend the bottled wine into an online business as well.

I invited Sandra at the beginning of the month to stay isolated with me for the next two months. She jumped at the chance. Not because she was lonely, but because she has excellent ideas for thriving and achieving.

Sandra wants to branch into table and food photography, and as she said, laughing at my invitation, I’ll take some of the best shots you’ve ever fantasized about for your grapes, labels, chutneys, and our websites — I’m on my way.

Working well at motivating living

Plunging into new enterprises has meant a diverse set of connections for both of us.

Community and a sense of belonging have always been purposeful to me. I’ve welcomed the emotional learning curve over the previous years as challenging and exciting, and quite different from any expectations. Christopher D. Connors, author of Emotional Intelligence for the Modern Leader, quotes a friend advising him as,

Life begins outside your comfort zone. Everything you want in your life and career will come from understanding your emotions and using them to your advantage — Christopher D Connors

I haven’t had any real roadblocks in my second career as I completely accept what I know and recognize when I need help with learning what I don’t know.

Sandra loves life. Her grieving for Hugh takes on what I can only refer to as a celebration of his life. She focuses on what she had, not what’s missing, and I applaud her for her sensitivity. Sandra has never judged me or tried to change my mind about anything.

She has a remarkable way of listening, complimenting people by recognizing and articulating their skills, then telling them they’ll make the best decision because it’s already in their heart — and urges them to listen to it.

Our personal traits in common

Keeping a regular journal has been immensely helpful for me. I know Sandra also writes in a journal, although I don’t know the personal benefits for her. For me, it’s the primary source of helping me to step back from and to look at issues rationally by documenting them or listing the pros and cons. It also helps me to illustrate and make sense of feelings and to understand how I process experiences. It hasn’t diminished any of my grief but helps me to move through it, face it, and embrace the life I’m living.

Self-awareness is when we become accountable people, not game players. We may make bad decisions, but others aren’t welcome to judge us, only to help us find solutions.

Empathy for and understanding of other’s need to be loved, and how they want to be loved and cared for, is a special gift. One, I believe we both share.

Someone who is gifted at relationships can make others feel better — smarter, stronger, braver.

Sometimes this gift seems effortless, but I know relationships aren’t effortless.

Valuable relationships take effort and a willingness to work.

Valuable relationships involve a willingness to give, as well as to receive.

Valuable relationships consider the benefits of growing in understanding, and to encourage future growth and emotional agility.

Valuable relationships ensure a commitment not to rush into change, but to allow each other to evolve with empathy, emotional agility, and intelligence. This is summarized so well by Susan David as,

Emotional agility allows us to be our authentic selves for everyone, every day… open yourself up to the love that will come with hurt and the hurt that will come with love; and to the success that will come with failure and the failure that will come with success — Emotional Agility, Susan David

If you’re interested, read my history from heartache to happiness.