Online Dating Help for the Heterosexual Male

Part 2: The Written Profile

My husband and I have recently entered what we call “the re-dating decade”: it’s the time when many of our friends are post divorce and trying to meet new people.

I’ve always been one of the guys. I’m the one, odd wife that’s invited to the ‘guys’ nights out’ and as such, I’m the wife that gets asked for dating and relationship advice by the guys. One thing that I’ve recently been doing a lot of is ‘fixing up’ their dating profiles. During my quest to make our eligible guy pals desirable online I noticed repetitive issues in their profiles. So, the nerd that I am, I got some women together and we took a look at hundreds of heterosexual, male profiles. We found that many of the issues I noticed in our friends’ profiles are literally north-America wide.

I’ve compiled the most common issues, as well as tips on how to fix them. This article focuses on the written profile. If you are looking for help with your profile photos, check out Part 1: The Profile Photo.

Issue #1 — The KILLER: Not bothering to do the written profile section

Look, I’m going to be brutally honest. One of my friends put up her profile online and within an hour she had over 300 messages. This happens to a lot of women. So, how do women choose who to talk to if they are bombarded by every man online? Well, as long as the man’s profile pictures aren’t terrifying, they read their profiles, immediately getting rid of anyone without a written profile, Why? Because:

a) While it’s really hard to gage someone’s character from an online profile, a couple of written words at least let a woman know that you are coherent and within the boundaries of sane.

b) Not bothering to write even a single sentence tells women that you don’t take this even minimally seriously. So, why should they take you seriously?

That same friend ended up paying to go incognito after just one day on a dating app, as many women do, due to so many unwanted and often downright creepy messages they get.

If you don’t know what the incognito setting is, it’s a paid option on most dating apps, which allows you to search people without anyone seeing you. You are completely invisible unless you like someone. As soon as you press that like button or swipe the correct way on someone, they can see you. So, in effect, women who are incognito choose the men who can match with them.

How do they do that? Yet again, as long as your photos are decent, women read your profile. When I say this, many men respond with “yeah, whatever. No one reads those profiles.” Actually, women do. If you look closely, you will notice that most women put a lot of effort into writing their profiles. They find them important. As such, they DO read men’s profiles and if you don’t have one, you are an automatic ‘no’.

So, while I don’t have the precise statistics, I wager that by not bothering to type up a single word on your profile, you are eliminating 80% of potential matches right off the bat. And the 20% that don’t care if you are coherent or sane…well, I’d be worried to meet them if I were you.

Issue #2: Explaining everything you DON’T want.

There are so many written profiles that are truly just a rant about everything the person hates. “I don’t want a liar,” “I don’t want a cheater,” “I don’t want a gold-digger,” “I don’t want a woman who won’t go camping,” “I don’t want anyone who doesn’t blah blah blah…

First off, focusing on the things that you dislike paints you as a negative, and potentially very angry, person. Additionally, ranting about the types of women you hate is a clear indicator that you are carrying some brutally heavy baggage from a past relationship, and… perhaps…. you aren’t quite ready to date yet.

Second, if your profile is a thinly veiled, angry tribute to everything that was wrong with your ex (or exes) it suggests that you might lack self-awareness. Yes, your ex (or exes) had flaws. And maybe they hurt you a lot. However, relationships are two-way. The blame may not be precisely 50–50. Perhaps in your case it’s 40–60 or even 30–70. However, it’s most definitely not 0–100. So, if you are blaming someone else 100% for everything that went wrong, you are choosing not to see yourself in an honest light.

Maybe you have dealbreakers and you just want to throw them on the table right off the bat. I get it, and by all means, you should do that. But, take the anger and negativity out of describing them. For example, instead of saying “I hate liars”, say “Honesty is the most important thing to me in a relationship” and instead of saying “I don’t want a gold-digger”, say “I’m looking for an independent woman who is looking for an equal partner.”

Can you feel the difference when you read the above examples? You just went from being an angry, baggage-ridden guy to a mature, self-aware man who knows what they are looking for.

Issue #3: I want, I want, I want

So, I know I just told you to say what you want, but, how about we not overdo it.

Here’s the thing. The best profiles have three parts. The first, and longest, part of the profile should be an introduction to who you are: the things you love and the things that define you. The next part is about what you are looking for in a partner and maybe what your ideal relationship looks like. This is the “I want part” and while it should be there, it shouldn’t overpower the part that describes you as a person. The last part is basically closing remarks — say how you would like to proceed. For example, “If you feel we might have things in common, I’d love to set up a coffee date.”

If you fail to introduce yourself in the first part and dive straight into what you want (and you stay there) then you are saying only what you expect a partner to give you or do for you, without saying what you will bring into the relationship yourself. This gives the impression that you just want to take without giving back.

So, make it clear what you are hoping to find in a partner, however, spend the bigger chunk of your profile painting a picture of who you are. For example, “In terms of my free time, I love a little bit of everything: some weekends I might want to catch a show, while others I grab a beer at the pub and talk for hours. And sometimes all I want is to cook at home and re-watch cheesy, 1980’s movies.”

Issue #4: I love my kids

If you have children, go ahead and say things like “I love swimming and spend a lot of my weekends at the community pool with my kids.” This paints a picture of who you are as a person and as a dad.

However, if all you say is “I love my children. They are the most important thing to me,” then what exactly are you hoping to convey?

Flip it around. Do you see women’s profiles that specify that they love their children? It’s simply assumed that they do, right? They don’t need to specify that in an online dating profile. Same goes for you. The only reasons you would feel the need to write in your profile that you love your children is if:

A) You want a pat on the back for doing your duty. You’re the dad. They’re your children. It’s assumed you love them and they are the most important thing to you. It’s not award-worthy. It’s natural.

OR

B) You’ve had a bad experience with a woman in the past who didn’t understand that you needed to place your kids before her at times. If this is the case, that’s your baggage. Let it go so that you can give the next person a fair chance, because 9 out of 10 people will care for you more for placing your children above them. However, make sure that your past issues were truly about placing children first when they need to be placed first, and not about a lack of organization and/or bad time management.

Issue #5: The hobby that’s not a hobby

The most unappealing thing that a woman can see in the hobbies and interests section of your profile is if the only two hobbies you list are Netflix and beer. Nothing else. No other interests. And no, adding ‘craft’ before the word ‘beer’ does not make it better.

Let’s be frank. Most of us chill and watch Netflix over a beer or a glass of wine. That’s not a hobby, nor is it an actual interest. It’s what we do after a long day of work when we want to slightly numb our brain.

If that’s the absolute, only thing you have in your life outside of work then perhaps you need to rediscover who you are before you look for someone to share your life with. I don’t mean this in a judgy or cruel way. I mean this in a caring way. Netflix and beer, day after day after day, is you, surviving, by watching other people’s imaginary lives, until your death. It’s not you living.

Miscellaneous Extras

There were two statements that we saw on a significant number of profiles that I wanted to point out:

1. Things along the lines of “I don’t even know why I’m on here, this never works”, or “this is stupid, but let’s chat.”

We all know that online dating can be tedious. However, if you are THAT negative about online dating that you have to do a mini rant about it on your actual dating profile then maybe you should take down your dating profile. You won’t get any responses after a woman reads that sentence anyways.

2. Writing “I don’t have a paid membership so I can’t text people unless they text me first. So, text me.” This sentence may vary slightly depending on the payment rules of the specific app, but it’s basically the guy saying that he refuses to pay the $20 membership. Ok, if you write this, it sounds like:

a) You think you are so amazing that you don’t need to put any effort into meeting someone. In this case, good luck, stud man.

b) Or perhaps you don’t care either way if you meet someone or not. In this case, why should a woman put the effort into starting a conversation with you?

c) Or, you are “frugal” (aka cheap) to the extent that you refuse to pay the average cost of $20/month — which, by the way, is the cost of a coffee and sandwich these days — are you telling me you don’t buy a coffee and sandwich or one fast food meal, once a month?

d) Or you are truly in so much financial trouble that $20 is out of your reach. If this is the case, I do feel for you. Sometimes we are all in a bad financial situation. And no, most women aren’t looking for a sugar daddy…

However, in both cases c) and d) if you can’t (or won’t) afford the equivalent of a fast food meal, or a coffee and a sandwich, once per month, then it may not be the right moment for you to date.

If you found this article useful, check out Part 1: The Profile Photo, and Part 3: How to Start a Conversation that Gets a Reply.