BREAST STORIES
What’s a Micro Bikini and Will My Breasts Fit Inside It? I Know My Ass Won’t
One size fits all when the emperor is nude
I knew I needed a break when I was checking the New York Times online for article ideas and I ended up spending half an hour reading bikini reviews.
I was getting depressed reading stories about global warming, war, and Kareem’s basketball record being broken when I was distracted by this enticing advertisement for a micro bikini.
If you’ve never seen a micro bikini, it’s not your fault. It’s almost impossible to see.
You need a microscope or a magnifying glass and nobody has those anymore — except school children, scientists, and 50-plus-year-olds who still insist on reading paper newspapers.
If you want to see a micro bikini, you can borrow my magnifying glass — it’s in my top desk drawer next to my slide rule and my Bazooka Joe gum.
A micro bikini is too small for a baby, but it’s perfect for a woman who wants a shoelace up her crack and tortilla chips pressed against her nipples.
Rumor has it, if you have enough electrolysis and plastic surgery, this is the perfect bikini for you. If you are as-is (like I am), and desperately in need of a Brazilian, this is how the micro-bikini will look on you. The pink triangles represent the micro bikini.
A micro bikini barely covers the line of your cracks and your nipples.
If I were a Barbie doll, I would totally buy this bikini. It’s inexpensive because it almost doesn’t exist and because it doesn’t cater to the average female build. Only 1 in 100,000 women can wear one without looking crazy.
If I were Barbie, I’d wear this suit everywhere because reviews say it’s great for a tan — because you’re naked, and being naked is the best way to avoid tan lines.
Those of us who are not built like Barbie(most of us), it’s difficult imagining the logistics of this swimwear. Is that the right word? Swimwear?
You could swim in this suit indefinitely but the triangles would not be in the same location when you exited the pool and your cracks would be bacteria filled. Never shove lycra or nylon up your crack — same for thongs. If you insist on filling your crack with string, please choose cotton.
If you want to imagine what wearing the bottom half feels like, take your shoelace out of your shoe. Then press one side of it up your front crack and the other side up your back crack. Voila! You’re wearing half a micro bikini.
If you want to try out the top half, rip off a piece of scotch tape and cover each nipple.
Are you comfortable with this sampling? Do you feel pretty? Wonderful. Then, this is the suit for you.
One Amazon reviewer gave the micro bikini five stars. Her one caveat was “I would not wear this jumping off of a cliff.”
That comment made me wonder who the micro bikini is for. I, personally, would not wear anything off of a cliff because I’d have to jump off a cliff. Maybe the micro bikini was so jammed up in the reviewer’s hoo-ha, she forgot cliffs were the end of the line.
I am, however, flattered, that some algorithm picked me for a micro bikini advertisement — so much better than AARP and medical alert bracelets.
But looking at the ad, I did wonder what it meant by one size fits all.
One-size-fits-all after lipo?
One-size-fits-all after breast and ass reconstructive surgery?
One-size-fits-all after removing all my ribs and ceasing food and beverage intake indefinitely?
The main challenge with the micro bikini is this. If any part of you is not solidly adhered you, you’re going to look like wet dough tied together with string.
On the flip side, if you can figure out how to cryogenically freeze your tits and ass for eight hours, you can get a pretty good tan.
