UNSOLICITED WRITING ADVICE

Show Your Boobs to Your Readers

Change the title of your story to get more reads

Sometimes I give unsolicited writing advice. Why unsolicited? Because no one is banging on my door asking me how I do it. But, if they did, I’d say, What do you want to know?

If this imaginary person asked, How do you write so much? I would answer, You want to be like me? Get rid of all your social engagements, be a lazy friend, don’t answer your phone, and skip therapy sessions.

Don’t quit therapy altogether.

You didn’t ask me how to be nuts.

You asked me how I wrote so much. And, you didn’t even ask me that — yet here I am.

If you asked me how I got reads, I would say, Use the word boobs in your title. It’s not a guarantee, but it’ll up your reading numbers. It’s a temporary fix. It’s triage not surgery.

However, if your article is titled ‘Yay! Boobs!’ and it’s about Tesla, it better be about Tesla’s boobs, or how Tesla feels about getting older and their boobs sagging.

Don’t clickbait with the word boobs, breasts, or tatas if you can’t back it up with your story. If you can easily add boobs to your story and it still makes sense, is insightful, and the mention of boobs helps hold the story up, go for it!

Boobs away!

Don't misrepresent boobs. You don’t want people saying, That lying asshole promised me a titty tale and I ended up reading some jacked-up shit about the expiration date of an electric engine. I’m never reading that author again. I am exiting unsatisfied.

Titles are important but so is the truth. If you’re being dishonest about what your article is about, you’ll lose readers. Even your friends and relatives.

Don’t count on relatives. This platform isn’t your kid’s dance-a-thon collecting money for cancer research. This is your grownup dream that people want to talk about as much as your menopause or how mad you are at your family.

In fact, it is better if your family is not reading you — that’s dangerous territory.

The next time you’re at a gathering, they’ll say, Amy was telling me about the time she went windsurfing topless and got bit by a shark! And you’re thinking, what? When?

You forgot you made that up.

Most non-fiction is 79% fiction. I made that statistic up. See how insidious it is. It’s better to keep strangers as your readers — not family and friends. You don’t want your fabricated bullshit to weave its way into your family history.

Take me, for example. I write about breasts. I recently got a text from my brother recently that said, So you like breasts?

I didn’t know how to answer. I feel ambiguous about breasts. Do I like them? Do I love them? Wrong question. But I’d put it out there and my family read it.

I now wonder if my brother’s question will wind itself into our family narrative. Will I become the aunt, sister, wife, daughter, or grandparent who likes breasts?

That old bat crazy, Amy. She loved the boobies.

Titles matter. Titles are like cleavage, low-cut shirts, bootie shorts, a good laugh, an engaging smile, or a mysterious reputation. They’re the hook.

But you gotta be able to back them up.

You can’t offer peanut butter to a salmon if the salmon came for the minnow.

If your story isn’t getting read, please change the title — but change it to something that covers the content of your story. Don’t just write Gwyneth Paltrow’s nipples and wait for the pennies to roll in.

Lead with your truth, but if you need to, learn something about boobs.