What you can learn from The Bachelor 2022

If you have been watching the reality romance show “The Bachelor”, you will know that the final two weeks of the 2022 season were full-on entertainment. It was a workshop on everything you shouldn’t do if you want a healthy lasting relationship.

Let me break down some of what you could have learned vicariously.

How to say “No”

Although the “No” came after a lot of misguided yeses, the final no was done in such a hilarious way it deserves to be watched over and over again.

The clip shows Gabby one of the last standing choices for Clayton, refusing Clayton's offer to “walk her out”, which is code for your time here is over and I dismiss and reject you. Her answer was basically “No”, which was code for you can’t dismiss or reject me because I have already rejected you. I will let myself out and don’t need you, Thank You.

This is different from the pride-preserving “No” that Suzie, another of his choices, did after being humiliated on national TV when Clayton walked her out. He came back to her and asked her forgiveness, she forgave him but when presented with the opportunity to re-enter the competition for his love, said “I feel like it’s over”. The audience was so proud of Suzie.

However, we find out that after the cameras were gone Suzie reached out to Clayton, the man who rejected her in a humiliating way because she cared about him. This resulted in their reunion. Being someone who believes that forgiveness should be given when someone has genuine remorse, I’m not upset at her for going back to him as some may be. I am however concerned that she did it so soon and that her statements during subsequent interviews have her fawning all over him as if to convince others that his obviously childish behavior was somehow not his fault. We wonder what happened to her pride, was it only for the camera?

Don’t Love more than one person at a time.

Any man who is indecisive about his commitment to you will be indecisive about other important things in life. In the show Clayton epitomizes flakiness. He is at the mercy of his feelings and his heart. The advice to follow your heart is given over and over again and we see how that turned out. The bible says “The heart is more deceitful than all else And is desperately sick; Who can understand it?” Jeremiah 17:9. So following your feelings, or your heart could be a very confusing journey and confusing for those who you say you love.

“I’m sorry you feel that way” is NOT an apology

Clayton is an expert at apologies that are not true apologies. When someone issues a sincere apology it is because they are sorry for their actions or inactions, not for your response. So if you did something wrong and the person didn’t react with obvious hurt, would it make your actions right? No, we want an apology that says the person recognizes the wrongness of their behavior regardless of your response.

Make sure your definition of love is the same as your partners

The two issues of having sex with someone to whom you are not married and telling them that you love them came up. The three women who were Clayton’s love interests, Gabby, Rachel, and Suzie had different views on these issues. As I understood it, I could be wrong because my knowledge is based on edited videos presented to us the audience, this was the breakdown.

Gabby appeared to be the most open sexually. She makes the statement that she wanted Clayton to explore (sexually) all the relationships so that when he picked her he would be picking her after experiencing everyone else and deciding she is the best for him.

Rachel, I believe didn’t feel the same way. Rachel, although open to sexual exploration saw it as an indicator of commitment. For her, it is the same as someone saying I now want to be with you only. For her Clayton's invitation to the Fantasy Suite is the same as his saying “I have chosen you for an exclusive relationship.”

Suzie wanted the same thing, commitment prior to sexual engagement. The difference is that unlike Rachel she communicated that to him prior to saying yes to the Fantasy Suite. She stated what her boundaries were, she needed to have his exclusive physical commitment as well as verbal commitment in the form of the words “I love you”.

All three women however appeared to be on the same track regarding the words “I love you.” or I’m in love with you.”. They felt that these words should only be communicated to one woman, not three. Acceptable statements would have been “I’m falling in love with you, or I think you may be the one for me.” The degree of tentativeness in that statement gave some wiggle room, and some doubt; they would not have viewed it as a commitment. All three women seemed to be in agreement that Clayton was too free with the more definitive words of “I love you”. Those words implied a commitment, more so than his sleeping with each of them.

I’m not sure this viewpoint aligns with the average person who is looking to be in a healthy relationship. Although for many non-Christians in the dating world, sexual exploration is not viewed as a big deal, however to Christians, those who hold their faith seriously and practice the Lordship of Jesus Christ over their lives, sex outside of marriage is a sin and to be avoided.

Although the women don’t judge each other for having sex before a commitment, they do see it as a sign of commitment to some degree.

Know your values prior to entering into a romantic relationship.

This is my last takeaway. There are many more that can be explored, but the value of knowing yourself and what you value should be highlighted. Because if you do not know this you will absorb the values of those you surround yourself with. In romance, there is a great urge for the partners to be open and vulnerable to each other. I explored this in another article here

This process can leave your examining yourself (as it should) and weighing your desires and goal against those of your intended partner. If your goals and desires are not clearly defined and you don’t ascribe them significant weight, they will be taken over by the goals and desires of your intended romantic partner. You may want marriage, commitment, and fidelity, whereas they may want sexual intimacy, options, and one-sided faithfulness.

I will end this by saying that if you know your worth in Christ, these issues can be approached with great clarity. If you don’t, tread carefully because they are minefields that can leave you devastated in the end.