The Cult of Vulnerability

I have come to sincerely dislike the word “vulnerable” and its cousins “sharing” and “openness”. They are so overused that you can probably do a drinking game using those words when watching a romance reality show.

Okay, I know, not many of you watch these train wrecks, but I confess I do. I watch them however for the educational value. I dream of one day being tech-savvy enough to take video clips from them to use as demonstrations when I do webinars of what certain toxic communications or beliefs look like. I haven’t gotten there yet but I keep doing the difficult job of sitting through these cringe-fests. In these shows, you see everything you should NOT do in pursuit of a healthy relationship.

Now that I have justified my actions of watching shows like “Married at First Sight”, “Love is Blind (American, Japan, couldn’t stomach Brazil, sorry it was a bridge too far.)”, and the “Bachelor” and “Bachelorette”, I will go on and tell why the word vulnerable triggers such dislike.

In the context of developing a deep connection with someone, it is expected that they would “open up” and that they would “share” and be “vulnerable” to some extent, but really! These shows act like the love seekers needs to bare their whole soul to their love interest within a few hours of meeting. Who does that!

We see that the ones who do fall for that nonsense are usually not the ones picked in the end anyway. The willingness to be so vulnerable in such unsafe spaces makes me, as a relationship coach, worry about the person. I already worry about anyone who would demand such unsafe action from someone else in the name of love. But that is going to have to be another article.

Why is it unsafe? Let me count the reasons.

1. Trust is not established. The verbal assurance that someone is trustworthy is not a reason to trust them. Trust builds over time when you can observe their actions and determine if they line up with their verbal profession. If someone is saying they love you and consider you special yet they continue to date several other people, even objectively, you can determine that their words are not aligned with their action, and they are the definition of untrustworthy. So when they see you and ask you to trust them and open up and be more vulnerable your answer should be “hard NO”.

2. You are not divulging to that person alone. It is TV. It is being recorded and it is being broadcast for all the world to see. So if you had kept your virginity a secret (not out of shame, just because you have some common sense and it’s nobody’s business), if you have never shared about your trauma with anyone but your therapist, if even your Mama doesn’t know something about you, why tell the world. You are not just opening up to this one love interest in these shows, you are opening up to the world and now giving them access to your most treasured or feared secrets.

3. Vulnerability in the wrong hands is a weapon for dangerous manipulation. As a therapist, I love to see good representation on TV. I am appalled when I see therapy being used in these types of shows. These therapists should know better. Some contestants were smart enough to resist the demands of the love interest to open up, and the pressure of the show directors to open up but then the shows started to send in the big guns, the therapist. The purpose of these “therapy” sessions is to accomplish what the love interest and the directors couldn’t. There is no thought to the lasting damage that could be done to these people after the show airs. I hope the shows are going to pay for ongoing therapy, off-camera, for some of these contestants.

Now the argument can be made that it is just entertainment. It is TV and all involved knew what they were getting into. No real feelings or people were hurt in the making of these shows. They all got their 15 minutes of fame and will use it to get more followers, likes, and tweets on social media. Everyone wins! But do they really win? Do they win now that their hidden thoughts, feelings, and actions are openly discussed by people who know them and by people who don’t?

That potential employer, that potential love interest (in real life), that neighbor or colleague all now feel that they know this person all because they were “open” and “vulnerable”. All these people now believe they have knowledge of these young people and will be using it to assess (judge) them and come to conclusions about them. Haven’t they lost the opportunity to make that first impression, to reinvent themselves? Is that an acceptable loss?

Life application

· Don’t go on these shows if you are looking for true love.

· Respect yourself enough to know that people have to earn your trust, and if they haven’t they are not entitled to your “vulnerability”. You don’t give it first as a down payment on a deeper relationship. You deepen the relationship by having conversations that reveal the person's character and values, and seeing if they are living out what they are professing when dating them. I remember years ago coaching a young woman and using the analogy that a healthy person doesn’t meet someone for the first time and invite them to their home then take them to her bedroom with an invitation for him to pull out every drawer and rifle through her closets to learn anything he wants to learn about her. That would be viewed as ridiculous and dangerous. Why do the emotional equivalent? If you do invite them home, front door, living room, or kitchen could be reasonable boundaries, but better yet don’t even give your address on a first date (unless you know them beyond their dating profile on the dating app).

· Someone who wants to fast-track getting to know you via requests for greater openness early in the relationship has places to go and people to see. If they don’t have time to sit and patience to wait for you to open up when you feel safe to do so let them go! If they are in a hurry, let them hurry on to their next relationship.

If you are someone who is in a season of searching for your romantic partner, know your worth and your value and resist all attempts to sell yourself short through giving what shouldn’t be given so cheaply. If you watch these reality shows, watch them for entertainment value only, not for relationship advice.

“A wife of noble character who can find? She is worth far more than rubies. Proverbs 31:10