What Women (And Darwin) Wish Men Knew About The Female Orgasm
It’s survival of the sexually fittest
You have probably heard the bizarre statistic — one in 200 men living today is a direct descendant of Genghis Khan. To accomplish this feat, genetic researchers believe he impregnated over 1000 women. Clearly, the man spent a lot of time horizontal.
But he also had to spend a ridiculous amount of time murdering, raping, and pillaging. Genghis Kahn’s bloodsport was legendary. By one estimate, he killed over 40 million people. That’s like wiping out Canada. And he murdered more than only men. Women, pregnant women, children, babies, cats…all were fair game. (Apparently, Mr. Kahn hated cats.)
After one victory, he piled the beheaded skulls into a pyramid. Sheeeesh…all that death, destruction, and artistic verve must have been exhausting.
Men today have it so easy. They don’t have to spread murder and mayhem to pass on their genes. They only have to ask a lady out to dinner, open the door, exchange some witty banter, charm her pants off, and then ride off into the sunset.
Easy enough, right? Hold that thought.
An evolutionary biology review (for those who slept through third-grade science)
Darwin started this mess. From his teachings, evolutionary biologists have taught two primary tenets — natural selection and sexual selection. Simply put, natural selection or “survival of the fittest” is based on a species’ ability to adapt to its environment. Sexual selection is based on a species’ success in obtaining mates and reproducing.
Sexual selection is often viewed as an offshoot of natural selection, but is it?
To “survive” and pass on our genes, our prehistoric ancestors had to do more than outrun all the saber-tooth tigers and kill a few wooly mammoths. Our ancestors also had to impress the opposite sex with their brawny natural selection traits.
Survival of the fittest is survival of the sexual fittest.
In other words, the traits that infer survival also infer mating success. To understand the female orgasm, we must look at sex through this lens.
The purpose of the male orgasm is obvious. It causes ejaculation, and then ten months later, boom…your social life is over. (I jest. If my kids ever read this, you are my little treasures.)
However, scientists have long grappled with the purpose of the female orgasm. Sure, it feels good, but is there an evolutionary purpose to the female orgasm? A man who makes her orgasm until she levitates off the bed does not ensure his genes will be passed on. Or does he?
The first theories on the female orgasm (that didn’t come from a woman)
In ancient times, Hippocrates taught that during procreation, men and women each had a “seed,” which combined in a process called pangenesis. This seed was only released during orgasm. So to conceive, you better make her scream your name.
Aristotle took a misogynistic step past pangenesis. He believed that men had heat in their bodies that made strong “seed” while women had phlegm that made weak “seed.”
He also had some whacky idea that the boy seed came from the right testicle and the girl seed came from the left testicle. This belief led many men who wanted boys to tie off their left testicles during sex. (And don’t ask me how one ties off a testicle. I googled that one and failed.)
By the seventeenth century, physicians still believed that a woman must orgasm to conceive. Bonus.
Then beliefs about the female orgasm got a little hairy in Victorian times. To start, the Victorians believed masturbation wasted men’s baby batter, so they invented some scary devices to lock up men’s bits.
But it was the conception advice for ladies that took the Victorian teacake. First, couples were advised to have sex in total darkness, and the woman had to avoid speaking, coughing, or sneezing. After sex, a woman shouldn’t ride a horse or dance, lest the sperm dislodge out of her ovaries.
Even weirder, French physiologist Eugene Becklard taught that the baby would take on the traits of whoever had the strongest orgasm.
Oh, and if you have sex without love, then you would get stuck with an ugly baby. This advice must have thrown Victorian men into a tizzy. If you loved your wife, you probably wanted to give her a mindblowing orgasm. But then you would have a pretty baby that wouldn’t look or act like you. Tough call.
But probably the most slut-shaming conception advice was that married women were taught to refrain from sex as much as possible. Yep, if you wanted a baby, you best control hubby’s lust and not taint your holy union.
Side note: the Victorians got this one completely wrong. Having frequent sex does not decrease conception rates, but it is not related to sperm counts. In 2021, researchers found that frequent sex causes a woman’s immune system to signal that it is time to make a baby. So if you want some crotch fruit…get busy.
The knock her out theory (also not from a woman)
In 1967, zoologist Desmond Morris suggested another purpose of the female orgasm — immobility. Basically, after she cums her brains out, a woman is so sated that she is more likely to stay horizontal and less likely to engage in her wifely duties of vacuuming and cooking.
Morris contended that the more men knocked a woman out cold with orgasms, the more likely she was to get knocked up with a baby. Apparently, sperm can only swim horizontally.
Consequently, for decades, women who were trying to conceive lay on their backs with their legs up in the air after sex, feeling quite ridiculous. (Guilty)
But I kind of wish this one was true. (No man better make me move after I orgasm!) Unfortunately, recent research found immobilization did not increase conception rates. Boo.
The female orgasm doesn’t matter theory
In 2005, science writer Dr. Elisabeth Lloyd argued that the female orgasm had no evolutionary purpose. Female orgasms were sort of like men’s nipples or mall security guards — just hanging around with no purpose.
Lloyd’s research was thorough, but she couched it within one erroneous belief — female primates don’t orgasm. Therefore, the human female orgasm also lacks an evolutionary benefit.
Well, did she bother to ask any primates if they orgasmed? Because if she did, she would have found chimpanzees have orgasms. And bonobos have so many orgasms (from male and female partners) that one wonders how they ever learn to walk. Heck, even cows have orgasms. (Don’t ask me how I know this.)
The “Upsuck” Theory
In 2016, researchers hypothesized that when a woman orgasms, it creates a negative pressure in her uterus, which sucks the sperm up. Basically, all those orgasmic contractions help his swimmers reach the egg. Sort of like a suped-up Dyson. This became known as the “upsuck” theory.
Yeah, so that was pretty ridiculous. First, the study involved a whopping participant count of six women. Second, we survived the 1950s. Tons of Baby Boomers are walking this planet without their moms ever reaching sexual bliss.
Bottom line: there isn’t a shred of evidence that the female orgasm aids implantation.
The “Mr. Right” Hypothesis
The men are not going to like this next theory, but don’t shoot the messenger.
In a 2014 study, researchers theorized that the female orgasm is a mate selection tool to find the highest quality men. The researchers found that the intensity and frequency of a woman’s orgasm were related to her partner’s self-confidence, attractiveness, and income. Yep, we are back to this old “men as providers” chestnut. Sigh.
The researchers theorized that her ability to orgasm (or not) allowed a woman to weed out the undesirables.
Basically, if she was dating a catch, she was more likely to orgasm.
“Mr. Right” vs. Long-Term Pair Bonding
In a 2022 study, researchers expanded upon the “Mr. Right” hypothesis. They found a more reassuring theory for the purpose of the female orgasm — pair bonding. When a woman orgasms, she releases the cuddle hormone, oxytocin.
Oxytocin is the neurotransmitter that tricks (I mean relaxes) women’s brains, making us want to stay in our partner’s arms forever.
In this study, participants were presented with fictitious short-term and longer-term dating scenarios and then asked a series of questions on how their happiness was related to the frequency and intensity of their orgasms.
The researchers found a woman’s orgasm strengthened her commitment to her partner by increasing emotional bonding.
More research is needed in this area that doesn't rely on self-reporting methods, but one thing is clear — the couple that orgasms together stays together. And Darwin be damned…that seems like a good enough reason to make her orgasm.
Natural selection and sexual selection will always intertwine. And when it comes to sex, we tend to forget that we mate because we don’t want to die and be forgotten. Offspring carry on our legacy.
But here is where I take a step backward because I secretly hate evolutionary biology. I hate it because it breaks sex down to a sterilized science.
At the end of the day, humans are not horny apes with a reproductive agenda. We are pair-bonding species with a deep capacity to love.
We choose the people we love. And whether that choice is the result of an oxytocin-laden brain or not, love will always transcend sex.
