What to Expect When You Reject an Abuser
They hate when their worst nightmare comes true.
To be lost in love, to be consumed by it. I made him the center of my being. He was my everything. I had cut ties with all my friends. My family could barely recognize me. I had an estranged relationship with my colleagues. All because I was led to believe, everyone was jealous of our love.
Love makes us strong. Love also destroys us. I have lived and felt both sides of love. But the side that destroys has shut my heart to love. It isn’t worth it. I stopped believing in fairytales. I stopped waiting for a prince charming who would climb the mountain tops to give me paradise on earth.
I stopped waiting for him, who wouldn’t come. I realized that my fragile heart can’t handle such pain from love. I’m too weak to keep a bit of me that will pick me up when love fails. I don’t know how to hold back. Tell me, “you love me,” and I will fall all over you.
He was the calmest and endearing man I had ever meet. He was like the stars, giving light to everything he touched. How could my heart not illuminate at his words? Call me stupid, but when you are in love, everything seems magical.
I wasn’t just captivated by his words. His touch gave a lingering mesmerizing sensation. His masculine torso pinned me down with my hands above my head and my back to the wall as he spoke with such ferocity that could wake the dead.
I tried to shield my face from his wildly searching gaze. The anger they bore could set anyone on fire. His voice echoed into the living room. It seems time had stopped as I counted within me the seconds as they went by.
I tried to get away, but I was too weak to lose his grip on my wrist. Instead, I stood in silence, not moving a muscle as he rained more demeaning words on me. I must have been dreaming it.
No! I wasn’t dreaming. I deserved it. I was getting what I asked for.
He was a fantastic gentleman when we first met. We were soul mates. He’s been waiting for me his whole life, so he showered me with love and affection. I enjoyed the attention, at least for what it’s worth.
Then the devaluation began. The abuse started slowly with belittling, the passive-aggressive comments. Before I knew it, my world was entangled with his.
The red flags were there, but I ignored them. I saw the mask, the wonderful man I thought I knew didn’t exist. I told him we were done. That’s when the mask fell.
The pain I experienced in that relationship gave birth to something evil. My beliefs, my faith, principles had been uncovered and shattered in a split second.
Everyone wears masks. I started wearing mine so well that it became my reality. I wasn’t fearless, but I pretended to be. I wasn’t kind even though I looked innocent.
I wasn’t selfish, yet I cared less about other people’s feelings. I was a coward who was too weak to admit the truth. And the truth was, I had been fooled. Love doesn’t make us blind; we choose to be blind by our selfish expectations.
But like every other experience we go through in life, these scars from a broken heart have turned an innocent teenage girl into a shadow. I walked the path to destruction. I let myself be buried in its depths. I lost the side of me that felt human.
Recognize when a relationship becomes unhealthy
Abuse doesn’t have to be in the form of physical violence. It does not have to be loud in your face to know something is definitely wrong.
During the early stages of the abuse, my ex would freak out when I get home five minutes late simply because I made a wrong turn or met with traffic.
There was a time he woke me up at night because he had a nightmare where I was with someone else. He was paranoid throughout that week and the week after.
He volunteered to drop me off at work and pick me up after. He would call, text, and video chat throughout the day. He would check my phone to make sure I wasn’t doing anything sneaky.
At first, I thought he was jealous out of love until he started getting unnecessarily mad when I miss his calls or don’t reply to his text immediately.
When the person you love repeatedly lie to you, discredit your kindness, show no appreciation for your time, and do not support your goal or career. If they dominate in conversations, judge or invalidate your position, you may be treading the fine lines of abuse.
Turning the tables
Breaking free from an abuser is easier said than done. Abusers fear rejection. They feel threatened when they find out that you have figured them out and now you’re leaving them.
They will twist and blame shit their responsibility on you as to why the relationship failed. They won’t admit their role in destroying the relationship.
They will blame you for their pain after the breakup. They become vindictive and attack your image, your brand, business, family, and friends online or offline. They don’t like feeling bad. They love when others allow them to be exactly who they want to be. And they love those who obey their every whim.
Their passive-aggressiveness, condescending comments, and the way they project and gaslight their victim is all to make them not feel vulnerable. They use love bombing to keep their partners attached to them.
By rejecting them, you expose them to be vulnerable, which makes you a threat. You should be prepared mentally, physically, and financially before picking a fight with an abuser.
Life experiences, even terrible ones, force us to learn important lessons and grow. When you work through the experience, you will come out a better, deeper, wiser person for it.
Sometimes, I thank my nightmare past for the life I have now — confident, not self-absorbed, independent, and gracious. And these are the qualities that define my relationships now, having chosen to forgive myself for not understanding my worth and standing up for it in the past.
Everyone deserves better than feeling trapped in a situation full of emotional ups and downs dictated by their romantic partner. Love is giving and receiving, supporting and caring. Differences of opinion are resolved through rational discussion, not by violence or finagling.
If you are in a relationship where the love is one-sided and your judgment is always questioned, you may want to rethink your involvement with such a person.
