WHAT TO DO SERIES

What To Do When Your Friends Are Acting Like Grody Teens In Love

When you stop vomiting, follow these simple steps

Remember teenybopper lust?

I’m talking the kind of obsession that happened pre-mortgage. The kind involving 112 texts a day. Well, if such as thing as portable phones had existed when I was chilling at my locker between biology and skipping trigonometry.

It’s writing the lyrics of ‘Hanging by a Moment’ by Lifehouse on your hand. It’s smiling until your cheeks hurt because he grabbed your backpack in the hallway and pulled you closer to him… It’s wanting to kiss him in the rain…underwater…at a sunset…just kissing him in general. It’s…not being able to get him out of your head. Not for one second.

Sometimes you see smutty smut adults re-enacting those good ole days. You’re awestruck at that couple in the pharmacy line-up, aren’t you? The cupids who are groping more than that itty bitty prescription script. Gag.

The ones who like each other. I mean — Like. Each. Other. They have to remove intertwined palms when the meal arrives. The ones whose morning commutes are filled with desperate chats. Because they haven’t been on the phone with one another for about 9.3 hours.

They make you wanna upchuck your Metamucil, don’t they?

Especially when those losers are your friends.

I get it. Disgusting. Okay, okay, here’s the truth. I’m not kidding anyone. As per usual, this is all about me. Yes, it is me — the near-boomer — who’s acting like a grody teen in love.

“You know we’re really gross, right?” asks my new man. Staring into my eyes so deeply my occipital lobe twitches.

“People would probably puke if they saw us,” I grunt in return.

We are that couple. What are YOU going to do about it? It’s simple. Very simple.

What To Have

The first thing you will need is a tractor-trailer loaded with Imodium or Pepto-Bismol. And a pair of highly tinted sunglasses. Let’s face it, you’re not going to stop these hormonal horndogs from sucking face.

You will also need a shipment’s worth of Resolve. After all, they can’t keep this up forever, can they?

What to Do

First off, the world will look much clearer once the vomiting stops. Ingest as much Imodium or Pepto as possible.

Then consider that the simplest answer is putting a hit out on them. But let’s be realistic. Assassins are costly. Botched offings make for messy jailtime. Ditching them as pals is, of course, an option. But #FindingAdultFriends isn’t an easy feat at your age.

It’s important to keep in mind m̶e̶ ̶a̶n̶d̶ ̶m̶y̶ ̶s̶t̶u̶d̶m̶u̶f̶f̶i̶n̶ that couple probably doesn’t aim for offensive. They’re likely “just in their own world and focused on each other”.

Christen A. Johnson suggests setting clear boundaries. Say, “I’m glad you two are happy, and it’s nice to see you two in love, but it would be great if you could cool it a little bit, so that I’m not talking while you’re all over each other.”

Or, alternatively, she advises joking.

“Hey you guys, there’s a good hotel down the street; can I help you finance it?”

What to do is simple. Very simple. Either ignore their rubouts. Or finance one. Your choice. You’re a strong person. You’ve got this.

Takeaways

Some couples are more appalling than lip-encrusted Imodium residue. But I̶’̶m̶ ̶y̶o̶u̶r̶ ̶f̶r̶i̶e̶n̶d̶ they’re your friends and they’re happy, dammit. So kill them or don’t. Ignore them or don’t. Watch them kiss each other underwater between their 66 and 67th text. Or don’t.

Just make sure you get that vomiting under control. Dehydration is worse than PDAs.

©Jennifer J. McDougall 2022

Listen, Dude. That one’s dedicated to you. Gag.