WHAT TO DO SERIES

What To Do When You Wanna Catch A Date

Lure them in, THEN give ‘em the truth

A reel expert can tackle anything.

“Well, you’re not getting any bites,” affirmed a friend, referring to my lack of success on traditional dating sites. “So maybe you have to try a different tactic. Different bait.”

On my list of dislikes, fishing ranks lower than dragging a dead cat from my fanbelt. Probably because my uncle used to force me to thread my own bait.

Squelching a squirmy noodle with a pulse onto a barbed hook always made me feel like Norman Bates in the making. The mention of angling a human held little appeal.

“Yeah,” squeaked another, swirling arms about her corner of the hot tub. “Maybe you need to lure them in, get them all into you, and THEN wham ‘em with the truth*!”

*The truth is that I’m married. To a spouse with Alzheimer’s. Yeah, yeah, you’re all sick of hearing about it. Move on, already.

What To Have

The first thing you will need to invest in is a rusty moral compass. You will also need to find a photographer friend to snap some sexy shots of you for your dating profile. Don’t worry — that profile won’t be up for long. Your newfound “skills” are sure to very quickly nab Monsieur Charmant.

What to Do

Set aside the fact that honesty is one of your key values. If Felicity Huffman and Lori Loughlin can do it so easily, so can you. Reassure yourself that this is merely one of life’s ridiculous games one must play in order to win what one wants. Easy peasy.

Ignore the friend who texts, I’m not sure this is a good idea. Dishonesty from the start doesn’t make for anything great.

On your dating site of choice, find a dude who sends tingles into your ladybits. Heart the picture of him holding a slimy trout. Believe me, almost every straight, hetero, post-pubescent dude has posted a minimum of one pic of themselves caressing gills.

And then, it’s simple — converse, converse, converse. Ask about their job, fav vacation spot, and what their last meal on death row would be. “Asking questions helps show your conversation partner that you are interested in them as a person,” explains Gentleman’s Gazette.

Being Chipper Chatty Cathy quickly sucks them into your passion-vacuum. After you have developed a connection then you can slide in the truth.

Hey, I know you love sushi so would you rather eat it off my buttcheeks or my boob crack, and oh, by the way, I’m married, is that okay with you?

Not so hard, is it? A reel expert can tackle anything. You’ve got this.

Takeaways

Although important in the long run, truth initially proves problematic in you’re-married-but-looking-for-a-date. Skip it for now — you’ll be honest in the long run and that’s what counts. Get dolled up, click on a dick, and prepare for lifelong fireworks.

You’ve got the bait, Babe, so go thread that hook and catch yourself a date.

©Jennifer J. McDougall 2022