WHAT TO DO SERIES
What To Do When You Want To Be Ann Landers
Modern-day advice columnist in the making
Back in the day getting advice from Ann was like finding Lucky the Leprechaun’s pot o’ bullion bricks. Or for you folk who know nothing of little green-suited Irish folklore then I propose a better analogy. It was like gushin’ yer gal with the discovery of her G-spot. It was a big deal.
I want to be 2022’s Ann Landers. Am I claiming to be that big of a deal? Nope. I’m just using her name as age-ist clickbait. Maybe.
Created by a nurse, Ruth Crawley, the original Ann Landers kept her identity super hush-hush. Sadly she died in 1955 at the age of 48.
Esther “Eppie” Lederer won a contest and took over as the new Ann Landers. She gave “straight-talking advice” and became quite controversial – changing her derogatory stance to one of acceptance regarding homosexuality, arguing for legalized prostitution, and claiming all those from Poland were “very anti-women.” Her identical twin sister, Pauline Phillips, was columnist “Dear Abby”.
Diffs & similarities
Ann and I can chalk up some major differences. First off, she apparently was verbally staid in terms of profanity. Her most outlandish cussing included “Oh banana oil!” Anyone who has read more than one of my pieces knows that, for me, endearments about grease from a yellow fruit aren’t as satisfying as ones beginning with F and Sh.
Another discrepancy between us involves her personal stance on being someone’s little lady. I feel bile churning as I write this. Eppie was so devoted to the idea of her marriage to Budget Rent-A-Car’s founder that she had “Jules’s Wife” sewn into the linings of her fur coats. She later had them removed when they divorced but still, gotta wonder about that investment in being owned.
However, in some ways, we are two peas in a crunchy, chewy pod. People asked her weird questions. They wanted to know whether raccoons bred through their noses and if they should marry their fiance’s father instead. For some reason — and I adore it —individuals seem to tag me as the one who will listen and respond.
Parents ask how I got their kid to try the kimchi sample that went with our Mindy Kim book study. Colleagues rush up to me in the morning, blouses misbuttoned and stress lines etched on foreheads, demanding I reassure them that what they did on their husband’s lap the evening before was in fact squirting and not a random bladder fail.
See? I would buy one of those half-heart “besties” necklaces and hang it on Ann’s tombstone — except that her ashes were scattered at sea.
What to have
Here is my advice for starting an advice column and it is rather simple. You will need a reliable piece of technology and an audience with wonky queries.
What to do
Tony Robbins, Nike, and heck, probably even the Pope, would stare at your luscious lashes and command, “Just Do It”. Just start. Google “weird questions” — and note that the first one to flicker onto the screen is “What would you do if you found a dead body in a hotel room?” Or use your imagination and create some inquiries and responses of your own. You’ve got this.
Takeaways
Obtain some basic writing tools and make 2022 your year of becoming an informational guru. Leprechauns and G-spots have nothing on you!
It’s in a vein of fun — and days soaked in insignificant amounts of writing material — that I commence this “What To Do” series. My first piece will help you out in the instance when a giant amphibian devours your offspring.
Everyone needs solid advice. And a good laugh.
Want guidance on what to do about something? Let me know in the response box and this nouvelle helper-outer will attempt to advise you.
©Jennifer J. McDougall 2021
