WHAT TO DO SERIES

What To Do When A Frog Devours Your Kid

You never know what will happen so be prepared

Frogs are absolutely adorable amphibians. Until they swallow your child.

I woke up to a scream. My own.

The dream

“I don’t think they should be swimming in there,” stated a friend, staring at the waves that suctioned my husband and son to their angry crests.

Standing ankle-deep in the warm, stormy water, dark splotches circled our legs. Suddenly a tadpole, its head was as wide as my hips, reared up and nipped at my calves.

“Get out of there!” I jumped back, repeatedly shouting at my family. They continued front-crawling closer to the horizon. My husband’s body was yanked below the surface. My son, sputtering but still smiling, wiggled his fingers at me just as a massive frog mouth inhaled his body.

“We can get him back!” my friend stammered. Her voice was both guerilla-like and consoling — she was Mama Bear on a mission. Somehow, we managed to corner the gigantic amphibian in a cave. Inside its belly, my son continued chatting, explaining how he was bent at the waist and incredibly uncomfortable.

“Use this!” my friend ordered, tossing a stick almost as long as the camp-cot-sized frog. The smoky odor of campfire still oozed from its pointed tip. “You have to slit it open to get him out. Fast!”

We succeeded. But as we plucked my son from its gut, his arm bloodlessly ripped from his body and seamlessly attached itself to the now-angry amphibian. As my son and friend bolted, the frog swiveled, focused its wide marble eyeballs on me, and hurdled itself in my direction. In the fingers that once belonged to my son, was a pewter fork, aimed straight for my heart.

Reality

Wrapped in badges and itchy knee-highs I learned that Girl Guides must always, ALWAYS “Be prepared”. You never, ever know when you will get a flat tire on your bike, pop a button off your best blouse, or run out of toilet paper.

Waking up covered in sweat, my hand still clenched in a fist about an invisible branch, I couldn’t stop thinking about my son becoming a croaker’s breakfast. After all, I’ve read The Worst-Case Scenario Survival Handbook — twice. My brain is overflowing with facts such as when driving around bodies of water you should consistently have your car windows slightly open. Or, if someone’s chasing you, waggling a gun in your direction, always run in zig-zag formations to make it harder for them to shoot you.

But giant frogs devouring your offspring? I need to prep my mind. I need to be prepared.

Here’s what to have and what to do. I’m sure Ann Landers, rest her soul, would agree. And maybe Worst-Case authors Joshua Piven and David Borgenicht, too.

What to have

In my dream, my friend quickly scanned the cave’s guano-covered floor to find a hearty stick. What if, in reality, you are nowhere near a forest?

A Girl Guide would know to always carry a retractable telescopic pole. And at least one roll of heavy-duty duct tape. This can be used for several things but mainly, in this situation, to secure your 74-function Swiss Army knife to the end of that stick-like object.

You can use the hook disgorger, screwdriver or corkscrew to maim the pissed-off pollywog. Or, if you can get within a reasonable distance, you have either of the knives or the scissor feature to slice its flesh and free your youngster.

What to do

First off, channel your inner Deepak Chopra. You’re going to need calm here. This is your bambino we’re talking about and they don’t need you losing your shit while you’re trying to liberate them from the confines of a creature’s stomach. They’re probably freaked out too.

Secondly, allow your years of Krav Maga training to kick in. You don’t have any karate training? That was perhaps poor planning but it’s okay — just acquiesce to parental instincts. Oxytocin, Testosterone, and Serotonin have you covered. You’ve got this.

Takeaways

My dream was terrifying. Yet it reminded me that success in life involves anticipating problems. And you never know when a charming caecilian will devour your kid. As Ann Landers, Joshua Piven, David Borgenicht, and Girl Guides would reiterate — Always Be Prepared.

©Jennifer J. McDougall 2021