What to do when you hear- “I Love You But I’m NOT IN LOVE WITH YOU” from your romantic partner.

The words you never want to hear. So what now? Where do you go from here?

I remember the day I was told this. He had just gotten off the plane and walked into the front door.

I could feel the resentment and disgust coming off of him, and then he sighed and told me, “I love you but I’m not in love with you. I never have been.”

After decades together you don’t expect that.

To say I was shocked is an understatement. I had been feeling the distance for months at that point but it had come after having, what I felt, was the best summer we had ever had. It was all happening fast and the confusion I felt at those words was intense.

He had never loved me?

Our story went back to the 4th grade. We had been friends for nearly our entire lives. We had 2 kids together. We had built a life and a home and created a family… And he had never loved me through any of it?

It didn’t make sense then. It did later.

The next 2 years were chaotic. It was full of abuse, addiction, lying and cheating. It ended on our 16th wedding anniversary when one of the other women came to the door and told me about their affair. Until then I was determined to try to work on my marriage and had not listened to the advice of any of our marriage counselors to get out.

What would I do now? Now that I am years out of it and have a hindsight perspective. I would do exactly what I coach my clients to do.

When someone tells you they do not love you -> Believe them.

Believe What They Show You More Than What They Tell You

This is where the term actions speak louder than words comes in.

Manipulation is defined as behavior designed to exploit, control, or otherwise influence others to one’s advantage by the American Psychology Association.

An everyday example is words not lining up with actions.

This is what happens when someone is lying to get a certain response from you. Anyone can say whatever they want. If there are no actions to support those words then they are meaningless.

Promises have multiple parts: 1. the verbal contract 2. the actions involved to fulfill that contract.

When someone tells you they are not in love with you anymore, what have they shown you recently?

Was it love?

Was it love the way you define it, want it, need it?

If it wasn’t. Believe them.

What Now? What Do You Do?

The process of separating from a romantic relationship is not easy or simple.

Depending on how long you have been together it could mean divorce, moving out, co-parenting children or animals, separating finances, losing in-laws or co-friends, etc…

The first step is setting up a grief plan.

The rest of the things are going to happen, they inevitably will. Grieving, however, can get pushed down and avoided. It gets stuck inside you and rears its ugly head when you don’t want it to. Like a jack-in-the-box.

A plan for grieving will get you ahead of the game.

I call them dates with pain.

Dates with pain are about control over your process. This is not about controlling the pain. Pain does what it wants to do. It goes where it wants to go. It sticks its dirty little fingers into our memories and swirls them around, then blows them up and we get the job of reordering them and putting things back where they belong.

Pushing grief down can lead to a build-up of energy. Like a volcano, it will reach its maximum capacity and explode. Burning up everything it touches.

A date with pain is like a venting process. You set up a time to allow the grief to happen. You avoid reaching critical levels by decreasing the pressure at times of your choosing.

I personally chose nights after 9 PM. I would set a timer on my phone for 45 min and decide to let myself think and feel whatever it was that wanted to come up. Then, when the timer went off, I put ice water on my face and went to bed. The sleep on those nights was much better than the others.

Look at your calendar or planner and write down some dates and times for your date with pain. As silly as it sounds, it works.

The second step is deciding what you want for yourself.

Your partner may know what they want, they may not, they may be still around, they may be gone. The truth is, you don’t have any say in any of it.

We can only control ourselves.

Do you want to be in a relationship with this person anymore?

I know this is a hard question to answer. Depending on the kind of relationship you had, it may seem like an impossible question to answer.

In abusive relationships, the answer is typically, YES!! Yes, I do! but also… I don’t. There is a reason for that.

This second step doesn’t have to happen immediately. Often we need time to get over the shock of being told such a statement. It is a question that needs to be answered at some point.

If you know what you want, you can start to build a pathway to get there. So if what you want is to remain, you’ll be able to take the steps to stay. If you want to leave, you’ll take those instead.

Remember, you don’t need a partner to go with you to see a couples counselor or coach. You can go alone. Many people do. Having a professional who specializes in this scenario could help you to deconstruct what happened and how to make a plan for going forward. Whether you do it with your partner or alone.

For my clients, I recommend not going to couples counseling with their partners if they are in abusive relationships. The risk of being gaslit and bullied outside of the therapy by what was shared during sessions is too high. If you feel you are in an abusive relationship you may want to go alone as well.

It’s a Cop Out Statement

I love you but I’m not in love with you is usually said after your partner has had these feelings for a while. In my experience, it’s usually after their partner has asked repeatedly what is wrong and could feel the space between them for an extended period of time.

It’s commonly said during affairs.

The better choice would have been to be honest with their partners all along and to let them know that their feelings have been changing. It is not impossible, but it is difficult to want to go back and work on a relationship once you’ve reached the point of saying this.

It doesn’t mean your partner is a bad person, but it does mean they were dishonest. The time for honesty was in the beginning, when the feelings were starting to change. Pretending to go along as if nothing is wrong is not a nice thing to do to someone you are supposed to love and care for.

When you are asking yourself what you want for your life and future, ask yourself if you would have treated another person this way. If you would have had the conviction to speak the truth any sooner? For some, it’s yes and for others no. You’ll know yourself best.

This may lead you to the answer.

Good luck. I’m sorry you had to hear these words.