Summary

The web content discusses the importance of self-reflection when dealing with an abusive relationship, emphasizing the need to assess one's partner's current behavior to make an informed decision about staying or leaving.

Abstract

The article addresses the complexities of recognizing and dealing with an abusive relationship. It highlights that individuals often struggle with leaving such relationships, taking an average of seven attempts to leave permanently. The author shares their personal experience of taking 12 years and multiple attempts to leave an abusive partner, despite therapy and counseling. The turning point came with a life coach's question: "Who is your partner today?" This question prompts individuals to focus on the present actions and behaviors of their partner, rather than past actions or future potential. The article suggests writing down factual observations about the partner's current behavior to avoid self-gaslighting and to clearly see the reality of the relationship. It also distinguishes between equitable power dynamics in healthy relationships and the power imbalance characteristic of abuse. The author advises creating a list of pros and cons without a neutral category to avoid justifying unacceptable behavior, thus gaining clarity on the relationship's health. The ultimate goal is to accept the partner as they are today and to recognize that one's ability to love and help cannot change another person who does not wish to change themselves.

Opinions

The author believes that hope can be a significant barrier to recognizing and leaving an abusive relationship, as it may lead to prolonged exposure to abuse while waiting for the partner to change.
Self-gaslighting is identified as a common issue among individuals in abusive relationships, where they rationalize or minimize their partner's abusive behavior to cope with the situation.
The article suggests that black-and-white thinking, when applied to categorizing behaviors as either pro or con without a neutral option, can be a useful tool in assessing an abusive relationship.
The author emphasizes that personal growth and change are within an individual's control, but one cannot force change upon a partner who is not willing to change.
The Power and Control Wheel is recommended as a resource to help identify different forms of abuse in a relationship.
The author expresses empathy and understanding for the difficulty of leaving an abusive relationship, acknowledging the emotional turmoil and internal conflict involved in the decision-making process.

The one question to ask yourself when you know you are in an abusive relationship.

Many times we don’t realize our relationships are abusive. If you do know it and are debating whether you should stay or leave, ask yourself this question.

Do you stay or go? It’s not an easy thought. Photo by Paulo Felipe Assis on Unsplash

It’s said it takes an average of 7 times for a partner in an abusive relationship to leave for good. That’s the average, which means some people leave after the first try and some take 14.

If you find yourself waffling somewhere in that range you are in good company. I myself took 12 years and multiple attempts to leave. I had a black belt in convincing myself to stay.

The concept that someone wouldn’t simply leave and get out is foreign to those who haven’t been in this situation but completely understandable to those of us who have.

Many years of therapy and couples counseling could not penetrate the force field I had in my mind that I was stuck.

The biggest part of that was the hope. Hope that my partner was one day going to magically understand what I was saying, and would want to get better.

It wasn’t until my Life Coach asked me this one question…

Who is your partner today?

Not who he had been. Not who I wished he was. Not who I wanted him to be. Who was he today? What was he acting like currently?

Who Is My Partner Today?

That was a tough question to answer. I had spent many years keeping our secret and pretending like everything was fine. I wasn’t ready to admit reality. I wasn’t able to see who he was really.

Even with all of that resistance, it became clear that this was the only question that mattered.

Who was he?

Write it down- Start with the facts

I began by stating facts. That was the easiest way to get the mental juices flowing. I made a list of all of the things that he was currently doing. The way he was acting. The way he was treating me. The way he was treating the kids. The addictions. The secrets. The lies. All of it.

This will be the way you can get the information you need for later use. At this moment there is no need for categorizing the items into a good or bad list. That will come later.

Writing things down does more than get it down on paper.

The feel of the pen or pencil in your hand.
The way the scratching translates up into your hand and through your nervous system.
Your eyes reading the words.

All of these things are different ways of processing information. You get your senses involved. The thoughts are no longer stuck inside you, they are out into the real world. They become more.

Feelings are often the enemy to those of us who are caught in abusive cycles. Our feelings are the very thing that get us into trouble and keep us there. We have them and want to use them for not only ourselves, but also for our partners. We want to help. The only problem is, they want power and control.

We want different things.

Abuse is a power move. When two people are equal partners and no one is trying to gain an advantage over the other then abuse isn’t happening. The flow of power is distributed equitably between the partners. Equitable, not equal. Sometimes one has a bit more depending on the situation, and sometimes the other one does, but it equalizes back to neutral the majority of the time. That is natural. This is not what is happening in an abusive relationship.

The abuser wants to have power over their partner and will use many tactics to get it.

Coercive control/ Ambient
Physical
Sexual
Emotional
Psychological/ Mental
Spiritual/ Religious
Monetary

And there are many subcategories within those. The different ways are nearly unlimited.

The Power and Control Wheel is a good tool you can print out to see what is happening in your relationship. This is also a good tool to use during a divorce to assess post-separation abuse.

What To Do With The List You Made

Now comes the work of separating the pros and cons. Each item on your list will go into one or the other.

There is no neutral category here.

While I would normally never promote black-and-white thinking, there is a reason for not adding a neutral section. Staying in an abusive situation relies heavily on self-gaslighting. This is when you turn an unacceptable thing into something acceptable by lying to yourself. It’s the way we convince ourselves to do things we often feel bad about later on.

Every single person on the planet does it somehow, so don’t be too hard on yourself for doing it.

Here are some examples of it:

When we tell ourselves that we had to get that fast food even though we just went grocery shopping, because we deserve a treat.
When we don’t tell a friend that we know of their spouse’s affair because it's none of our business and we don’t want to rock the boat.
When we take two from the free candy dish instead of 1 even though the sign specifically says not to because we are hungry and they are small.
When we tell ourselves he had a bad childhood and doesn’t know any better.
When he doesn’t come home, we make up reasons why he must have gotten stuck somewhere and he would be here if he could.
When she doesn’t show up for the school event even though she promised. Work must have kept her.
When he has an affair and says it because you weren’t meeting his needs and you think that maybe he is right and you’re to blame.
When she opens a secret credit card account she maxed it out without letting you know. It must be because she was too scared of you to tell you about it, because that’s what she told you and she wouldn’t lie.
When you feel like if I could only love him more he would get better. So you try harder. Leaving is not an option.

This is the kind of self-gaslighting that keeps us in this place. Keeping the list to only Pro or Con removes our ability to say “Welllllll….” when determining whether an action is good or bad.

We call that Swimming In The Well Water. I do it daily when I cheat on my diet. Well… it was only one. Well… I haven’t had one in a long time. Well… this is a special occasion.

This can easily be done with the list.

Well…she only did it one time. Well… he had an alcoholic father. Well… he grew up with trauma and abuse. Well, her last boyfriend cheated. And all of a sudden the cons are morphed into mid-range items and the list gets muddled up.

Let’s set you up for success by keeping it simple. PRO or CON.

The Reality Will Become Clearer As You Go Through The List

You may not make it all the way to the end with the categorizing. At some point, you will see which way the balance is tipping heavily, and you will then be faced with the decision of whether you can continue to live with it or not.

Only you can decide which it is. At least you will have a clearer picture to decide with.

The reality is this. Your partner is who they are today. No amount of love and help will get them to where they do not want to be. We only have control over our own actions and thoughts.

We can always have love, respect, and decency for them even if we aren’t with them.

Good luck. I know how hard this is.

Common Things Husbands Say After They Are Caught Cheating

They aren’t that creative. Here are a few of the common phrases they use once they’ve been caught cheating.

medium.com

If you like my writing please follow me and subscribe to my emails to be notified whenever a new article a published.

Narcissism Informed Trauma and Abuse Life Coach- or links to my life coaching services, you can find me at www.cpresleycoaching.com or email me at [email protected]

Or fill out this Form for a Free 20-minute Discovery Call.