WHAT TO DO SERIES

What To Do When You Get Told You Have ‘Man Hands’

How to respond to rude comments

I realize my hands aren’t worthy of being showcased in a jeweler’s ad or even in a how-to-insert-a-tampon manual.

I boast chubby sausages extending from my knuckles, more wrinkles than a Shar Pei’s butt, and exclusive membership with only three percent of the population in the Clinodactyly Club — the fancy term for baby fingers that arch inward. My mom tells the story of how nurses, upon spying my crooked newborn digits, initially wondered whether I had Down Syndrome.

Yesterday I was reminded of the fact that my hands are not beautiful.

“You know what, Madame?” asked a student as I attempted to re-focus him on French work. Last week, following me around on yard duty, he inquired as to whether I was interested in being given rug burn. Being forever surprised by the words blowing out between his lips, I actually didn’t know what.

“What?” I asked, a tad bit of fear inching up my spine.

“It looks like someone cut off your hands and then replaced them with man hands!”

What to have

Innocent or not, seemingly thoughtless and rude comments can jab samurai swords into your heart. A few shot glasses of patience and a dash of composure really are the what to haves in this situation. Maybe a ball gag, too.

What to do

Bite your tongue. Sure, it may look more mangled than your hands when you’re through, but it’s preferable to losing your cool or your source of a paycheque.

In this case, the ‘offender’ was an innocently blabbermouthed ten-year-old. Elementary students guess my age as anywhere between 12 and 203 years old, so I long ago learned to take all observations from pupils with a barrel of salt.

When it’s an adult proffering blunt and boorish comments you may contemplate other ways to respond. Consider the fact that wit is often effective. I think of former Prime Minister of Canada, Pierre Trudeau (yes, he is the father of our current PM). When President Nixon labeled him an a**hole, he shrewdly responded with, “I have been called worse things by better people."

Other appropriate responses include outright asking the individual why they would spout such a thing, ignoring the comment, or pretending to be a politician and channeling the art of deflection. There’s also the opportunity for you to “Jedi Mind Trick ‘em”.

Simply put, just agree with them. For example, if someone says, “you’re just a cruel person”; you can respond with, “yeah, sometimes I can be cruel”. This approach leaves your attacker with nothing else to say. It can be a great approach to help “take the wind out of the sails” of the aggressor. Louis Laves-Webb

And, if you can’t secure the ball gag about their paunchy jaw, you may decide to reframe. Maybe you can’t use your claws to model proper dishwashing techniques in Good Housekeeping’s Spring Cleaning series. But perhaps Fur-Fish-Game requires hardy hands that can clinch knot spinnerbait for this month’s cover pic. Think outside the box — or, in this case, grotesque appendages.

Ignore. Deflect. Reframe. You’ve got this.

Takeaways

Rudie McTooties are going to be in your face for, well, eternity. If you can’t gag ’em, bag ’em, and tag ’em then choose a creative retort to their harsh chatter. Or put those man hands to work and, well, no, that would definitely have you filling out unemployment forms. Maybe just show them how to insert a tampon — with your wrinkly, fat middle finger.

©Jennifer J. McDougall 2022