What to Do When You Are at Your Lowest
The little mosquito found her place.
Most of my friends had boyfriends except me when I was in high school. If I’m being honest, I desperately wanted one myself, but I thought, “who would want to date a skinny girl?”
My friends nicknamed me “Kito” (as in mosquito). That was how skinny and small I was as a teenager. That sort of teasing made me insecure and helped me feel unattractive around boys.
Back then, I wasn’t looking for a forever kind of love. I just wanted someone to hold my hand, show me around, give me his jacket when I was cold — that sort of thing.
I wanted someone to show off — to make me feel like I belonged in the group of popular girls.
Deep inside, I thought that having a boyfriend would make my life so much better, and I’d be happier because he would probably see something precious in me.
I knew the adage “beauty is in the eye of the beholder,” but this did not alleviate my condition. “What beauty would a man ever see in me?” I asked myself. I didn’t like my body.
At an age when most people are exploring their sexuality, I didn’t even touch myself. The thought that no man would ever touch me either.
It was so disheartening. I really thought I was going to die alone.
If a boy was interested in me, It was for an ulterior motive, either so I could do his homework, or run errands for him, or do something really stupid for him.
After I graduated from high school, I took up a small job at a café downtown. When I received my first pay packet, I immediately ordered breast enlargement and weight gain supplements.
I was obsessed with transforming my body at any cost. Unfortunately, the pills didn’t work, and the subsequent ones after that didn’t make a difference either.
At some point, I gave up on enhancement pills. I wanted to go for a surgical procedure instead, but I knew that it would cost thousands of dollars I could not afford.
So I did what I could at that time — gradually, I accepted my body for what it is. And I stopped looking for a boyfriend.
I started to buy clothes that made me feel good. I started wearing makeup because I liked it. I began to wear heels.
Honestly, I don’t even know when, where, or how, but I grew more confident in myself as time went by.
For me, self-love didn’t happen overnight. It grew slowly, from one day to another. It increased a little bit every time I took a small step to feeling good.
Self-love happened when I made a decision to find love within myself, even though that was difficult to achieve.
I started to love myself enough that people loved me for who I was. I started to take care of my health, both physically and mentally.
I have learned to be happy. And then good things started to happen.
When you stop believing that your beauty is what others make of you, then you have reached a certain level of freedom. You will no longer be bound by insecurity, envy, or jealousy.
I accepted my body doesn’t signify my worth
Our ideas of beauty have been deeply ingrained in our minds. We see beauty as something that is adored or admired by everyone.
And anyone who doesn’t meet these criteria is deemed ugly. We can be insensitive and judge others without considering how they feel about our judgment.
But there is so much more to a person than just their physical features.
A lot of beauty comes from the inside.
If you believe you’re a good person, you won’t need someone else to tell you otherwise.
That’s why you must find your inner beauty- accepting yourself for who you are and loving yourself as you are.
I learned to find joy in who I was
Acceptance is how I have found fulfillment. I have had to accept that beauty is subjective and not always a choice. Therefore someone’s physical preferences are not necessarily shallow.
Some men won’t be attracted to me if I’m a skinny girl, but plenty will be.
Most importantly, I’ve had to accept that if someone chooses another girl over me, that doesn’t make me less of a person. It’s a reflection of someone else’s preferences, not my own self-worth.
It’s not my job to convince those who find me unattractive to want me. Or to show them how wrong they are. Or wallow in self-pity and play the victim.
What I am in control of, is to find people with whom I have a mutual attraction. And be happy that others are doing the same.
I can assure you that you too will find someone who will fall in love with you because of who you are, because of your crazy jokes and crazy ambitions, or because you are smart.
And when you find someone who feels that way about you, you will know because you won’t have to pretend. You will be your true self, and he will love you for it.
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