What to Do if She’s Faking Her Orgasms

Confronting her won’t work. Do this instead.

I was grinding my crotch against his while we pressed our mouths together.

I could feel my pleasure building up, and I knew this time was going to be different. I was going to come with a boy for the first time.

My date with Cody hadn’t gone as planned. We were just supposed to hang out, but then two guys he knew from school walked up to us.

They had a problem with Cody — it had to do with some stupid thing he did the year before. I didn’t fully get it, but they decided to settle the score.

I felt completely helpless as I watched them pummel him and slam their knees into his sides. I screamed at them to stop, but they only did when they were satisfied with how hard they had beaten him.

They left him in rough shape, but Cody soldiered on. He didn’t want to let his black eye and sore ribs ruin his evening.

We went back to his place and when it was getting late, he held me, hugged me, and then surprised me with a kiss.

That kiss turned to a makeout session that we carried over to his bed. I straddled him and got excited when I felt his hard cock through his pants.

Almost instinctively, I started rocking my hips back and forth, grinding my pussy against his crotch.

There were four layers of clothing between us, but it still felt really fucking good.

I felt the buildup of pleasure I usually experienced during sex, but this time it lasted longer. Long enough that it was going somewhere. I kissed him harder and gripped his shoulders tighter as I felt myself reaching levels of stimulation I had only ever experienced on my own.

I was practically blushing with embarrassment. I couldn’t believe I was going to come from something as basic as dry humping.

But no amount of shame could stop me from grinding.

I rubbed against my erection until I hit my peak. I panted into his mouth, struggling to keep pushing my hips while losing control of my muscles.

After the spasms were over, I kept making out with Cody, trying to hide how heavy my breathing was. Trying to hide the fact that I had come at all, even though it must’ve been painfully obvious.

Our date didn’t start off as planned. I didn’t see it ending this way, either. I wasn’t planning on dry humping instead of fucking, and I definitely wasn’t expecting to come from it.

Until I met Mr. Austin, Cody was the only guy I ever had an orgasm with. It was also the only time I pretended not to have one.

The rest of the time, I faked having one instead.

Why I Faked Orgasms

It’s not like I ever set out to fake an orgasm. It just sort of happened.

I found myself in a situation where it felt like the right thing to do.

Sometimes, I didn’t really fake one so much as lied about it.

I’d get that dreaded question at the end of a quick fuck: “Did you come?”

It never felt like they were asking sincerely. If they cared about me having an orgasm, they would’ve probably tried to do something to give me one. Those guys never even went near my clit.

But still, I’d nod and say “Mhmm,” even though I knew exactly what an orgasm felt like — and that wasn’t it.

I could tell their egos depended on that lie. They wanted to be the kinds of guys whose cocks could make girls come hard — they just didn’t want to put any work into achieving that. And I was socialized to protect men’s egos, so I did my best to be convincing and agreeable.

The rest of the time, I put on a performance instead of fibbing.

I didn’t like being the girl who didn’t come from sex. I wanted to be a good lay, not a difficult one. So, I moaned and groaned the way I heard pornstars do so the guys fucking me wouldn’t think I was too hard to satisfy.

I also didn’t want it to be awkward. I knew there would be some weird feelings if only one of us came. So, I relieved the tension by pretending I was having an orgasm when they were having theirs.

And then there’s my submissiveness.

Being sexually submissive manifests itself in all sorts of ways. One of them is my intense desire to make the men I’m attracted to feel good about themselves.

I want to help them feel proud. I want to help them feel big. It makes me feel weirdly good to puff them up.

When I fucked someone, I wanted them to believe they made me come, even if it wasn’t true. I wanted to be the reason they felt good about themselves.

I faked my pleasure because it made me feel so fucking sexy to make a guy feel like a stud.

I kept that up until I met a guy who could make me come so easily it was like he had a cheat code. There was no awkwardness to defuse and if I wanted to praise his skills I just had to be honest about them.

There was no reason to fake it anymore. And whenever I do struggle now, I can just level with my husband and tell him what’s going on. I don’t need to feel bad about telling the truth and I never feel the urge to pretend I’ve had an orgasm when I haven’t.

It took some work to get to that point, though. And if we had approached the issue the wrong way, I might still be faking climaxes because of my weird hangups and my need to spare his feelings.

Taking the Indirect Approach

If you think your lady is faking it, there are a lot of things you can do to help her get to a more honest place.

The most obvious choice would be to just confront her about it. But that would also be the wrong way to go about it.

I can guarantee that it would’ve never worked for me at least. If someone had asked if my orgasm was fake, I would’ve doubled down and insisted it was real.

I mean, if I thought not coming was too awkward, it would’ve been even more awkward to confess that my moans were all for show.

If she’s faking it with you, there’s a good chance she’ll do the same and cover it up with another white lie if you ask her about it.

Being too direct can also put her on the spot, which could put her on the defensive.

I know that being very direct and open about it seems like the most mature option, and maybe it is. But you’re also dealing with a very sensitive subject. If she’s faking, she probably has her reasons, and they might not all be easy to talk about, if she even completely understands them (I only pieced it all together much later in life). It’s better to broach it gently.

Another reason for taking a more indirect approach is that you might not actually know whether she’s faking or not.

You might suspect it, sure, but unless she’s a really shitty actress, it can be really hard to tell.

That’s especially true when you consider all the different ways women climax.

There are the ones who whine while coming. The ones who get guttural and practically growl through it. The ones who shout like pornstars. The ones who swear like sailors.

Some women go stiff and others flail around like they’re possessed.

And some of my most powerful orgasms turned me completely mute — my mouth was wide open but I couldn’t let out a single sound.

That alone is a good reason to avoid the direct confrontation, because you can never be entirely sure if it’s warranted. Maybe she just comes weird. Most of us do.

So, what should you do instead?

Open a Conversation by Being Vulnerable

One of the best ways to get a conversation going about a subject like this is to start from a position of vulnerability.

Opening up to your partner first will make it easier for her to open up to you.

So, consider telling her that sometimes you have a hard time finishing, or it takes you longer than you think it should.

Maybe admit to her that it makes you feel bad about yourself, gives you some anxiety, or makes you feel like less of a man to have so little control over your body.

Then, ask if it ever happens to her, too.

When you make yourself vulnerable, you open up a safe space for her to do the same. By framing it as a shared struggle, she’s more likely to know she’ll be understood instead of worrying that she’ll be judged.

Use Some Tried and True Methods

If your partner is faking orgasms, you can also try some very effective methods to ensure that she has a real one.

You can become a lot more serious about foreplay. Not just the things you do with your fingers and tongue before you get to the main event (not that it has to be that linear), but also the non-physical stuff that happens before that.

Spend more time flirting. Up your seduction game. Building more anticipation and arousal can make a big difference to how easy it is for her to get off when you get down to fucking.

Once you’re having sex, put more focus on her clit. Like, a lot more. Emphasize it, bold it, italicize it.

I think most guys know that clit stimulation is essential for most women (I bet even the dudes I fucked as a teenager have learned that by now), but a lot of them probably don’t realize just how much attention the clit needs.

Be ready to pleasure her clit for more than just a few minutes. Do it until your tongue starts getting tired. Better yet, do it until she asks you to stop because she can’t wait to get fucked.

And try going slow and steady. Yes, some women need fast, vigorous stimulation to reach orgasm. But a lot of us don’t and going too hard can actually desensitize us, which makes it harder for us to come.

If she’s not having genuine orgasms, it might be because she needs a lot more soft, focused stimulation to get her to her peak.

After you tried something new, talk about it. Tell her you decided to do something different and ask if she thinks incorporating it regularly would make sex more enjoyable for her.

If the thing you tried isn’t the key to unlocking her orgasms, it will at least give her the opportunity to talk about what would.

Keep Experimenting

Your partner might also need something a little bit specific if she’s going to have really pleasurable sex.

I know my kinks make a big difference to how hard I get off. They’re not just things I enjoy or find satisfying — they can actually make my orgasms stronger.

Maybe she needs a nice, hard spank or some dirty talk.

Maybe she wants to be the one in charge.

I personally get off on being praised, but she might need to feel a bit humiliated.

Maybe she’s an exhibitionist, a die-hard submissive, or has cuckquean fantasies.

Or she might just need sensual, romantic sex.

Whatever it is, keep experimenting. Talk about what you’d love to try with her and ask her what she wants to explore. The secret to making her come might just be to figure out exactly what kink she needs you to satisfy.

Offer Her More

Every guy who fucked me could’ve made me come. Seriously. I have premature orgasms so it’s pathetically easy to get me off sometimes.

Those guys were just even easier, I guess.

The ones who asked if I had an orgasm weren’t offering to help me get one. I know that because they waited until we were both dressed to ask.

But you can ask her in a much more productive way.

When you’re done, ask her if she wants more. If your refractory period can handle it, you can offer a second fuck. If not, you can offer to finger her or eat her out until she’s satisfied.

It’s completely non-confrontational. You don’t even have to ask if she came. All you have to ask if she’s up for a little extra.

If she accepts regularly, then make that little extra a part of the way you have sex. Default to giving her more pleasure after you’re finished.

Just don’t wait until she’s already got her underwear back on before you offer it.

Work on Your Insecurities

One of the big reasons women fake orgasms is because they’re worried about how their guy will react if he can’t make her come.

There’s a lot of cultural and personal baggage tied up in all of this, and a lot of men consider it humiliating if the woman they fuck doesn’t have an orgasm.

Women fake it to avoid hurting their feelings, in case he says something hurtful to put the blame on her, or because having your guy spiral out with insecurity is not a great vibe.

That’s why working on your insecurities is a really big step in helping her stop faking it.

You don’t have to wear your insecurities on your sleeve for them to be influencing her behavior. We all think we’re pretty good at hiding them, but we always project them in little ways. If you’re at all insecure about your performance, chances are she can tell.

Besides, overcoming them is a form of self-improvement we should all be doing.

So, start by identifying your insecure feelings. When something related to sex makes you feel hurt or upset, makes you feel the need to overcompensate, or makes you feel small or less than, sit with those feelings and try to piece together what caused them to surface.

Once you’ve made that connection, you can start reframing it.

Most of our insecurities are irrational. They’re baggage we’re holding on to, anxieties we carry with us, or bad experiences we can’t shake off.

Reframing those insecurities is about understanding where they come from and trying to see the situation for what it really is.

If she’s faking an orgasm, it’s not because you’re not good enough or not skilled enough. It just means you still have to work together to find a way to become more sexually compatible. Or it means you need to create a space where she feels comfortable enough to get out of her head and just enjoy the pleasure she’s getting.

And if there are a few areas where you fall short, then it’s just an opportunity to work on your technique. It sucks to find out you’re not amazing at something, but there’s no downside to practicing your sex skills. Instead of letting it be a downer, you can turn this into an extremely fun project.

Once you learn to manage your insecurities and take a more constructive attitude to sexual challenges, she is going to feel a lot more comfortable being open and honest with you when things just aren’t working. And chances are she’s going to love working with you on getting both of your needs met.

Suggest Using Sex Toys

When I’m ready to go for my final, huge, show-stopping orgasm, it’s always the same way: lying on my stomach, grinding my favorite vibrator while my husband fucks me.

That’s a guaranteed way for me to finish on a bang.

If I’m feeling especially greedy, I’ll go for a second big orgasm with my vibrator while he comes on my ass.

Sometimes, I get those powerful orgasms before I even have a chance to get my vibrator. But I usually need a toy to achieve them.

If your partner is faking her orgasms, you might be able to solve that problem by recommending that she uses a toy while you’re playing together.

If she uses one when she masturbates, encourage her to bring it out when you’re having sex (as long as she’s comfortable with that).

Or go sex toy shopping together. Browse online and find a few that she’d love to try.

Toys make sex more playful. It helps you switch things up and keep everything more interesting.

It can also help her come when nothing else can.

If you’re not using toys yet, recommend it. Give her a mischievous grin and ask her if she’d ever be interested in trying a bullet vibrator, a rabbit, or a thruster.

Once you find the right toy and figure out a way to incorporate it in your play, you’ll realize you were missing out on a lot of fun and you’ll wonder why you hadn’t tried it sooner.

If All Else Fails

If your lady is faking it, remember that it’s probably not about you. It just means that there’s something keeping her from getting the pleasure she needs.

She might need to be fucked differently.

She might need more foreplay or to use a few toys.

She might need to feel safe enough to explain what is keeping her from coming and what she needs to get herself there.

Or she might just need to know that you’re okay — that you won’t get weird if she can’t get there and that you’re open to her suggestions for what would.

And if you try all that and she’s still faking her orgasms, you can always let her dry hump you until she comes.

Let’s keep in touch! Sign up for my weekly newsletter (I won’t send you anything without your enthusiastic consent!)

❤ If you liked this post, you might also love: