Summary

The web content presents a satirical list of 83 alternative candidates for the 2016 U.S. presidential election, suggesting that popular celebrities and fictional characters could defeat the mainstream candidates, Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton.

Abstract

In an article titled "What Third Party Candidates Would Definitely Crush Trump and Clinton in November?" the author humorously proposes a diverse array of American icons as potential presidential candidates. The list includes a mix of actors, musicians, athletes, and fictional characters, all of whom are depicted as more appealing options than the major party nominees of the 2016 election. The article implies that the American electorate is dissatisfied with the choices presented by the Republican and Democratic parties and suggests that the widespread popularity and cultural influence of the proposed candidates could lead to a successful third-party bid for the presidency.

Opinions

The author believes that neither Donald Trump nor Hillary Clinton are desirable candidates for the presidency, as indicated by the statement that "No one wants to vote for Trump. No one wants to vote for Hillary."
There is a sentiment that America is in need of a real third party candidate who is both American and widely beloved, suggesting that such a candidate could win the election.
The article reflects a desire for a presidential candidate who can transcend traditional party lines and appeal to a broad spectrum of voters, including younger demographics and those who may not typically engage in the political process.
By including a variety of celebrities and fictional characters, the author playfully suggests that fame and charisma could be more important to voters than political experience or policy positions.
The inclusion of figures like Oprah, George Clooney, Taylor Swift, Morgan Freeman, and others indicates that the author sees these individuals as having the potential to unite the country and garner widespread support.
The list also pokes fun at the political process by including absurd candidates such as Bugs Bunny, the M&M's, and a puppy, highlighting the author's view that the electoral landscape has become so bizarre that almost anyone could be considered a viable candidate.

What Third Party Candidates Would Definitely Crush Trump and Clinton in November?

An incomplete list of at least 83 real candidates for America

No one wants to vote for Trump. No one wants to vote for Hillary.

America needs a real third party candidate in 2016, someone guaranteed to get enough votes to win an election. They must be American, and they must be beloved enough to win over the American people.

Here are at least 83 real candidates…

Oprah

George Clooney

Taylor Swift

Morgan Freeman

Stephen Curry

Betty White

Leonardo DiCaprio

Alec Baldwin… but only if he promises to keep his brothers out of his Cabinet

Ron Swanson

Robert De Niro

The Old Spice commercial guy *whistles*

Stephen Colbert, he’ll get young Comedy Central voters to the polls while also appeasing the over-55 CBS crowd that don’t know how to change the channel

Will Smith

Kenny F. Powers

Jennifer Lawrence

Tiny Fey… as long as she doesn’t act too much like Sarah Palin

Johnny Cash as played by Joaquin Phoenix

Kevin Hart

That guy that does the voice-overs at the start over the movie: “IN A WORLD…”

Anderson Cooper

Bradley Cooper

Colonel Sanders, the Norm McDonald version

Denzel Washington

Iron Chef Mario Batali

Dave Grohl

Sarah Koenig. Buuuut we’d probably get even less Serial…

Omar Little. Omar comin’!!!

David Letterman

Michelle Obama

Lin-Manuel Miranda, what’s your name man?! Alexander Hamilton.

John Slattery. You’re really voting against Roger Sterling? With Donald Draper watching??

Reese Witherspoon

Adam Silver, NBA Commissioner

Patrick Stewart… we can bend the rules just this once, right?

Leslie Knope. But make sure you keep that loser Ben Wyatt off the ticket #IceTown

Michael J. Fox

Julia Roberts

Bugs Bunny

Jerry Ferrara aka Salvatore Assante aka Turtle from Entourage

Cookie Lyon

Bryan Cranston

David Palmer. Let’s hope his presidency is more successful than on 24. You’re in good hands with all state decisions being made by Dennis Haysbert.

Peyton Manning. 🎶 You should prob’ly vote for me 🎶 U-S-A go all the way 🎶 🎶 Make ‘Merica great again 🎶…… Yep, checks out.

Captain America

Lisa Simpson

Bill Pullman. “Today… we celebrate… OUR INDEPENDENCE DAY!!!”

Anyone dressed as Santa Claus

Josiah Bartlet. You’ve seen West Wing. You KNOW Sheen would get the job done.

Anna Kendrick

The M&Ms… just make sure you get Green M&M on the ticket.

Kermit the Frog. Honestly, even if Donald or Hillary was the puppeteer behind the scenes, we’d still feel better seeing Kermit out front.

Aziz Ansari

Alex Trebek

The three 🙈 🙉 🙊 monkey emojis. Or is it one monkey? Can 3 monkeys even serve as President all at once? Would would @jomnysun do??

Peter Dinklage. Little man’s handling Mereen and the Sons of Harpy just fine, he can take care of Merica.

Regis Philbin

Shaq

Your grandmother. Honestly, everyone loves her.

Big Papi. Hey, even Reagan lost one state.

Tom Hanks

Steve Harvey. Just don’t let him announce himself as the winner.

Scooby Doo

America Ferrera. I mean, it’s right there in her name.

Abraham Lincoln, as played by Daniel Day Lewis

Anthony Bourdain

A puppy. Any puppy will do.

The Dos Equis Most Interesting Man in the World

Katie Nolan

Pizza

Padma Lakshmi

Frasier Crane, or Kelsey Grammar, they’re the same at this point

Prince. RIP.

Connie Britton and Kyle Chandler. Coach and Mrs. Coach. America, solved. Clear eyes, full hearts… can’t lose the election.

Ron Burgundy

Samuel L. Jackson

Mindy Kaling

Donald Glover

Maya Angelou

James Earl Jones

Don Henley but only if he shaves his head. America loves a Bald Eagle.

Riley Curry

Pizza Rat

Beyoncé. She already rules the entire world anyway.

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