The Definitive Purple Power Rankings
A Prince Tribute: Spoiler Alert, He’s #1
Also receiving votes: Nobility, Purple People Eaters, Dino from Flintstones, Cheshire Cat, Lavender, Plums, Cabbage, Lilacs, Pool Ball #4, Ursula, Waluigi
32. Tinky Winky: However far you’d like to expand the list, just keep moving Winks to the bottom. Just no.
31. Eggplant: If “name something purple” were a Family Feud question, eggplant would be one of the top answers, and this is a travesty. No one has ever actually thought to themselves hmm, I’d like some eggplant please.
30. Purple nurple: Not fun. But better than eggplant and Tinky Winky.
29. Daphne, Scooby Doo: Secretly very overrated. Worst character in the bunch. Scoobs, Shaggy, Scrappy Doo, Fred, like zoinks! even Velma is better.
28. Purple Kelly, Survivor: Also known as the Other Kelly, also known as Not Wentworth, lasted 28 days on the show and then quit. Absolutely worthless.
27. Grimace, McDonalds: What even was that thing? It’s like a walking purple candy corn. Maybe it’s you in 50 years after eating way too much Mickie Ds.
26. Purple Ranger: Look, we all know Red Ranger is your favorite. Red Ranger is everyone’s favorite. And NO ONE liked Yellow Ranger. Purple was somewhere in the middle, ultimately forgettable.
25. Amethyst: Amethyst is my birthstone and it sucks. It’s a pale transparent purple, like it’s not even trying hard enough to actually be purple. When I got my class ring, I skipped that amethyst crap and got myself a nice big emerald to match the school colors. No school in America is amethyst-colored.
24. Los Angeles Lakers: In honor of Kobe Bryant. Both his jersey number as well as the number of shots he took to make 6 of them and secure himself the 2010 NBA Finals MVP. You stole the Lakers, LA. Minnesota is the land of ten thousand lakes AND our favorite team is purple and gold. Those championships belong to us. I’m pretty sure Prince didn’t like the Lakers.
23. Count von Count:
22. Grapes: Also overrated. Green grapes are clearly better, which is why they always cost more. Grape-flavored purple stuff? Terrific. Purple grapes? Meh.
21. Barney: Was a dinosaur from our imagination. And when he’s tall, he’s what we call a dinosaur sensation. It’s cool to hate on Barney now, but you KNOW you spent hours watching it, so just own up to it and move on.
20. California Raisins: The 80s band, not the actual raisins. Which of us didn’t collect their little Hardee’s toys or rock out to “I Heard It through the Grapevine?” Did you realize this very fictional group won a real-life Emmy?
19. The bird on the flag of Dominica: The only national flag in the world to have purple on it. See, now you learned something.
18. Deep Purple: Smooooooke on the waaaaater. Fire in the sky!!
17. Purple Parrots, Legends of the Hidden Temple: Olmec was awesome, and the final challenge was great even if the moron kids chose the wrong path every single time. NEVER go in the Shrine of the Silver Monkey, why would you do that to yourself?! Anyway the Blue Barracudas and Green Monkeys were better and you know it.
16. Donatello: Always my personal favorite. Leo was too obvious. Raphael’s stupid sais were way too short and clearly useless. Michelangelo was a party dude. Donnie and his brains and bow appealed to the childhood nerd in me.
15. Purple Skittles: It is a proven fact that everyone likes purple Skittles. You may like red better, and you obviously hate yellow, but everyone likes purple.
14. Hit-Girl, Kick-Ass: Chloë Grace Moretz is awesome. Only her hair was purple and that kept her from moving much further up this list.
13. Archbishop Desmond Tutu: You say he should be higher; I say he’s above Hit-Girl and that’s showing some respect already. Call it a compromise.
12. Purple Drank: Why do so many purple things have drug connotations?
11. Willy Wonka: Speaking of drug connotations, this guy. The OG Wonka played by Gene Wilder is legitimately terrifying. He spends all his time with creepy little people and spoiled children and he likes candy a little too much even for me. What a weird, fascinating fellow.
10. Purple Wedding: I don’t want to revel too much in a death scene, but I mean it’s Game of Thrones so that’s kind of the point, right? Also if for some reason you’re not caught up, SPOILER ALERT:
9. Darkwing Duck: Let’s get dangerous!! Darkwing and Launchpad were awesome and part of the afterschool routine growing up. How have we made 3602 superhero movies in the last decade and not done a Darkwing film yet?
8. Purple Popsicles: You fought for the two purple Popsicles that came in every package. Why were there always so many orange and yellow Popsicles? Grape was the best, period. They were the first ones gone out of every box.
7. Harold’s purple crayon: That crayon went absolutely everywhere, man. That guy Harold was a wizard. If he didn’t have something, he just drew it. If he wanted to go somewhere, he drew it. If Harold got trapped by some sort of huge monster (never minding the fact that he had also drawn that monster), he just drew his way out of it. I genuinely believed Harold could’ve done pretty much anything he set his crayon to.
6. Purple Haze: The Hendrix song, not the Hendrix-induced state you’re in while listening. Let’s settle this once and for all: no one ever asked Hendrix who the greatest guitar player ever was, and he never answered Prince or Phil Keaggy or anyone else. Didn’t happen. I’m sorry you had to find out this way.
5. Minnesota Vikings: SKOL! These are my rankings and I told you up front they were completely subjective, so what are you going to do about it? Just know that I had them at #2 for awhile, and losing in the final felt appropriate but top five will have to do. Besides Prince was a huge Vikings fan.
4. Purple mountains’ majesty: Just impossibly breathtaking. Especially if you grew up in the flat Midwest like me. Also, bonus points for patriotism and for ‘Merica. But minus points for confusion: mountains’ majesty? mountain’s majesty? mountain majesties? Make up your mind.
3. Purple Heart: The military award, not the emoji you dumdum. The Purple Heart is given by the President to U.S. soldiers who were injured or killed while serving the country. Some notable winners: JFK, Oliver Stone, Charles Bronson, and Kurt Vonnegut. Thank you, veterans, for your service.
2. The Color Purple: A magnificent book by Alice Walker. Everyone should read it, though it’s not in a lot of libraries these days because of course it’s not. The commentary on sexism and gender roles and racism- all still so relevant and still so needed. Also, The Color Purple is currently running on Broadway. Here’s what Jennifer Hudson and the cast did as a tribute on the night of Prince’s passing:
1. Prince: Purple rain, purple reign. Prince was an American icon and a genuine Minnesota hero. Every time someone iconic passes away, the usual social media cycle runs its course and everyone is sad, but this one feels like something more. Prince was one of us, but not one of us, all at the same time. His music did something special and had a way of bringing people together both in his life and in his death. He will be missed.
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