Spooktober 1

What the Heck Happened? I Seem to Be the Girl Who Can’t Say No

Does anyone know where I can get some decent boundaries?

I have a confession to make.

I suck at boundaries. My mouth has a real block against the word NO.

Is it the N? Or is it the O?

Maybe it’s the combination. I can go nnnnn and oooooo, but I can’t seem to put them together. When I try it comes out like this: nnnnnnnnaaayyyyyeeeessss! Sure. What time?

Then I pound my head against the wall and saying oh, sh*t, I did it again.

I gave away the only free half-hour of my day to a friend who needed to talk. Sure I want to be her friend and listen. But did it have to be right then?

And who answered the phone, Marilyn? Hunh?

Yes, it were I.

That was today. Yesterday — notice that word has the word yes in it? Yesterday I stopped writing a post to look up some info and answer some questions that could wait till our upcoming meeting.

Another time I played switchboard texting back and forth between two folks who really needed to talk to each other directly to solve a financial matter. My frustration doubled as each new text yanked me away from my editing project. Or as I let it.

Finally, I got their permission to share numbers and hooked them up directly. They solved the issue in minutes. Why didn’t I do that sooner?

How does that song from the musical Oklahoma go? The one they wrote about me? I’m just a girl who can’t say no…

How long has this been going on?

A really long time.

My inability to say No when I want and need to has led to some really stupid and potentially dangerous situations.

Such as:

— Letting myself be picked up by men for what turned out to be one-night stands.

— Inability to break off illicit affairs, thus ruining my marriage.

— Agreeing to go to a state college with a party school rep rather than try for scholarships and grants at my first choice private university.

— Being unable to resist chocolate, especially dark chocolate and homemade sweet goodies, such that I chow down way past the point of being full.

__Getting suckered into infomercials and ordering supplements and other products that don’t deliver as promised or worse.

— Staying in relationships well past my heart’s expiration date.

I need to stop doing this. Now. Yes, but how?

This article by Jennifer Chesak on HealthLine grabbed my attention with its kick-butt title:

The No BS Guide to Setting Healthy Boundaries in Real Life.

One of her suggestions was to have my own personal Bill of Rights. I love that. So, here goes:

1. I have the right to say NO without feeling guilty or giving a reason. A woman’s prerogative, right?
2. I have the right to make my needs as important as others’ needs. This means I can turn off my phone or not answer calls as they come in. I can let the caller leave a message and get back to them at a time that’s good for me.
3. I have the right to set and live by my own personal priorities. That means scheduling them early in the day, while my mind is fresh and my energy is high. I can respond to others later in the day.
4. I have the right to set my own schedule based on those personal priorities. I can put a do not disturb sign on my door as well as turn off the phone and email.
5. I have the right to be treated with respect. This includes my time, my body, my sexuality, and my heart. Being in a committed relationship does not mean my partner controls any of these. I do.
6. I have the right and the responsibility to set healthy boundaries for my body, including being touched, getting enough sleep, and moderate amounts of healthy food. I don’t need and chose not to binge or starve myself.
7. I have the right to ask for help and support in any of this. And in releasing or delegating things I’ve taken on that there’s no way in heck I’ll ever get to. Or want to get to. Again, my prerogative. I don’t need a reason.

Wow! I feel better already.

Let me print these out and put them up where I can’t help but see them.

Let me remember to pray for the commitment, strength, and willingness to implement these. Not just once or twice to say I did. But on an ongoing basis. Because this is my life. Not theirs. Not yours. Mine!

Let me remember the phrase my last beaux used so successfully — this doesn’t work for me. No reason. Just this doesn’t work. Period.

Let me sign up for a remedial class run by two-year-olds who know how to kick and scream while shouting NO! And MINE! As if those were the only two words on the planet. Cause Lord knows I sure need it.

If any of you know of such a class, please leave the info in the comments.

This is my favorite time of year.

And if I don’t shore up my boundaries, I’ll end up giving all the time I could be out enjoying it away to the first caller. And the second. And the third. And the — you get the idea.

Hold me in your hearts and prayers, KTHT friends. I sure need it.

Thank you, Diana C., for these spooky prompts, and believe me, being clueless about boundaries is spooky!

Marilyn Flower writes political humor and satire to delight socially and spiritually conscious folks. She’s the author of Creative Blogging: Ninja Writers Guide to Character Development and Bucket Listers, Get Your Brave On: How to Do the Thing You’re ‘Too Old’ & ‘Too Scared’ to Do. Clowning and improvisation strengthen her resolve during these crazy times. Stay in touch!