What Survivors of Narcissists Should Know Before Asking For Help
3. Not everyone will understand your story (including the people who are most qualified to).
by: E.B. Johnson
Are you waking up to narcissistic abuse? It’s an awakening that will change your life, but it comes with major decisions. And it comes with some costs. Part of that recovery includes learning how to talk about our experiences and the pain that we’re going through. Even that, however, comes with its own level of understanding and cost. There’s a lot you need to understand before you speak about your pain with narcissistic abuse. Don’t open up before you’re ready. Ask for help the right way and with an elevated understanding of what comes next.
What you should know before asking for help.
Narcissistic abuse recovery is a unique experience, and it’s not one that should be taken lightly. Before you go telling your story to the world, or looking for professional help, you need to make sure you’re heading in the right direction and opening up to the right people. Not everyone is equipped to understand our experiences, nor should they. Get real about what’s happening, what comes next, and who you can trust.
1. New views needed
Fundamentally, most of us understand we need to speak up about our experiences. Usually, this happens through therapy or through opening up to a close friend. But for this to be effective, we have to know what we’re speaking about and why. Intentions are key, but so is directing the information you’re sharing in a positive way.
Before you ask for help from the world around you, you need to get clear on what problems you’re facing. Unfortunately, narcissistic abuse doesn’t come with the luxury of others being able to point out the pain. See it from the inside out first.
Once you get clear on exactly what is happening to you, it becomes easier to share your story with the right people. That means therapists who believe that you’re dealing with narcissists, and those around you who have gone through similar manipulations.
You’ve got to get a better perspective, pinpoint the genuine problems so you can find the help that matches. Make no mistake, outside views will be needed as well for you to recover effectively. You’re going to need professional help, whether that comes in the shape of therapists, coaches, or even personal sources. So sit down, write it out, meditate. Do what needs to be done for you to see and understand the truth.
2. A new battleground
It’s important not to fall into the trap of thinking that speak up alone will free you — it won’t. It’s also important not to slide into the mistake of magical thinking. You do this when you think that recognizing the abuse (and confronting it) will bring you peace. It won’t.
Recovering from narcissistic abuse is more like a battle than anything else. When you lift the lid off that can, things become a lot harder before they get easier. You must prepare for a life that’s a battleground inside and out. You’re not just waging a war on the narcissists. You must wage a war on yourself.
Taking that first step of speaking out begins a war you never imagined. You must forge personal battlegrounds as you rebuild your sense of self and confidence. Outwardly, your life also becomes a war zone where you cleanse yourself of narcissistic influences.
Speaking up about the narcissistic abuse you’ve suffered isn’t as easy as saying some words and walking away. When you get help, the entire world shifts. Plates move and the fallout becomes inevitable.
3. Everyone isn’t safe
It’s nice to think that we’re surrounded by people who can understand and sympathize with our journey. But sympathy isn’t always what we need. We need empathy when we’re rebuilding after narcissistic abuse. Empathy isn’t something everyone can offer, though.
Everyone is not safe. Everyone around you will not understand what you’ve been through. You need to consider who you’re telling about your experiences, and why. Some will be able to build you up, but some can only offer words and actions that tear you down and set you back (even unwittingly).
Not everyone will understand your journey, including the professionals who should be the most qualified to help. Don’t assume that the qualifications that someone has allowed them to see your experience authentically.
Guard yourself. Share your story as you will. But remember to do so with only your own intentions and a healthy dose of caution. Don’t look to the world to validate what you’ve gone through. They don’t need to. Share your story with the people who can genuinely help you, and those who will understand the horrors you’ve survived.
4. You’re going to lose
We like to think that once we open the wound, the poison comes out, and we can heal. But that’s not reality. Some wounds run deeper than that. Even when you open them, they continue to fester and create poison. Healing from narcissistic abuse is a little like that. Things get worse before they get better.
Understand what speaking up may cost you. You might lose your loved ones who don’t like the stories you share. You might lose friends, opportunities, and even peace of mind (temporarily) while you heal.
There’s a lot of upheaval that comes with your honesty, and narcissists don’t take kindly to those who seek to free themselves. There’s always a cost, so before you ask for help, you must get yourself into a place where you can mentally and emotionally withstand the inevitable storms that will follow. Because you will lose the narcissist in your life, if nothing else.
5. It’s never really over
Asking for help is a great thing to do when you’re struggling with narcissistic abusers, but it’s not the end-all and be-all. The emotional toll of the experience never really ends (even once the abuser is gone). There’s only better, never “gone”. Understanding this prevents disappointment in future and allows us to create realistic goals.
Because the truth is that the narcissistic abuser scars us for life. They teach us how to see ourselves as they see us. For the rest of forever, we end up questioning ourselves, no matter how strong we get or how well we train our minds.
The narcissistic stain lingers. Self-compassion and empathy is how we soothe it. Understand that you may go for years with no mark of their abuse on your life. But one day it will return, even if only for a moment.
Understand this and accept it. In that knowledge, become a stronger version of yourself. When you understand that it’s never really over, speaking up takes on a whole new hue. Commit to a continual journey and you can create realistic healing and recovery goals that improve your life and future across the long-term.
Putting it all together…
Speaking up about our narcissistic abuse is a powerful part of recovery. There are certain things that we have to understand before we speak up, though. It’s not an end-all and be-all to healing. It won’t take away the pain or bring justice against your abusers overnight. That’s not really the point.
You should speak up because you’re ready to expose the truth. Not just your truth, or some truth. A real, objective truth. Getting there requires intentions, though, and a clear perspective of what happened.
Know your story so you can share it with those that matter — even if that’s only those closest to you, a therapist, or a coach. Have the courage to embrace it, and know that speaking out can be a powerful medicine (even if it doesn’t entirely remove the pain).
Admitting the truth is hard, but it’s freeing too. Give yourself the freedom and the grace that the narcissistic abuser never could. Stand strong in your honesty and forge ahead on a path to a future that’s entirely self-fulfilling and real. You can leave the abuse behind and make life better. Love yourself and the path that you’re on. Beautiful things are coming in your direction.
- Day, N., Bourke, M., Townsend, M., & Grenyer, B. (2020). Pathological Narcissism: A Study of Burden on Partners and Family. Journal Of Personality Disorders, 34(6), 799–813. doi: 10.1521/pedi_2019_33_413