What Stops Happening When You Start Listening
Hear this and save yourself the embarrassment
I used to be a decent enough listener. Sometimes I could even get away with a little multi-tasking while on a call. What I didn’t realise was that because I wasn’t listening well, there were three completely preventable situations that were negatively impacting my daily life. And a list of gains that I was missing out on entirely.
What is deep listening?
There are three levels of listening. In brief they are:
- Listening to respond — This is sometimes referred to as ‘listening to speak’. This type of listening is self-focused. When you’re listening to respond, you’re likely thinking about what you’re going to say and preparing to say it, rather than what the other person is saying (and thinking, feeling, and experiencing).
- Listening for information — This is a more active form of listening and slightly less self-focused than listening to respond. When listening for information, you may have a particular outcome or objective — there is something you are listening for.
- Listening to understand — This is the most active form of listening, where you’re aiming to connect with others and gain deeper knowledge of their thoughts, feelings, states of mind, wishes or goals. From here, you can do more meaningful work together.
Most of us spend our interactions in responding or informational mode. Sometimes that’s exactly what’s required. Other times, however, you may be missing a trick.
It seems counterintuitive, but you gain more energy, get more done, and have stronger relationships by slowing down, doing less, and truly focusing on the conversation. Especially when you can do that in a more connected, other-focused way.
When you practice deep listening, here’s what stops happening
There are three noticeable things that stop happening when you adopt a deeper listening practice.
1. No more accidentally checking out of a conversation
When we’re listening to respond or to gain some particular piece of information, we’re more inwardly-focused. Which also means that we’re less aware of what’s going on outside of our own heads. We aren’t in tune with others and we aren’t giving off signals of attunement either. In fact, we give off the opposite signals…and we don’t even notice it. When we listen deeply, we’re in it together with others. We are less likely to check out and we are more likely to catch ourselves if we start straying.
2. Fewer avoidable misreadings of what is being said
When you are fully present in a conversation, you take on more information about what is going on in that conversation. Your capacity for doing this also increases. You pick up on more cues that reinforce the meaning of what is being said and are therefore less likely to run with an unintended interpretation. And what a relief that is!
3. No more getting maxed out on people and talking
Our brains can only handle so much. When we multi-task — which is actually just rapid context-switching — we deplete our energy by constantly having to reorient ourselves. The same happens when we’re half-in, half-out of a conversation. It’s cognitive work to be thinking about what you want to say and be listening for when you can say it, all while trying to track what the other person is saying. It’s cognitive work to be searching for that piece of information or seeking an answer in the words you hear. It’s cognitive work to make sense of a conversation when there’s lots of noise, distractions, and room for misinterpretation. It’s much easier to keep the energy going when the signal is clear and you’re fully present to hear it. That energy savings adds up over the day!
Here’s what you gain by practicing deep listening
Not only do you stop checking out, misreading, and maxing out on your social interactions, but you pick up some extra benefits from listening more deeply, too.
You consistently make others feel heard
By listening deeply, your response is more closely aligned to what the other person just said. You may even respond using their language or way of speaking, which creates closeness and connection. As a result, the person you’re listening to may feel like you understood what they said (and they may also not feel the need to re-explain or elaborate further). It’s a great feeling and a gift when you can offer it to others.
You feel better about what you say
When you say things that you know are in step with others, you can feel good about your reactions and responses to them. You have more info to go on and there’s more transparency and clarity. This reduces rumination and overthinking about the conversation later, which saves valuable time and headspace.
You can feel confident that you read things right
The more signals you pick up during a conversation, the more sure you can be that you’ve made the correct assessment of things. Or that you’ve interpreted someone’s emotional response in an accurate and nuanced way. Or that your response landed well. All of this is confidence-boosting — you picked up the signals, delivered a great response, and listened to how that was perceived. That’s what makes a great communicator.
You learn how and when you have energy to be social
As you practice deep listening, doing so comes more naturally to you over time. With that, you start to notice when your energy ebbs and flows during the day. You notice when it requires more conscious effort to listen and when, say, it doesn’t require effort but you’re just not feeling up to it. All great information to have, and knowledge that might be unknown to you when you were drowning in an ocean of distractions.
You do better, more thoughtful work
Listening deeply has benefits beyond the conversation. You gain a better understanding of what motivates people, what your own needs are, how to communicate more effectively, and what works well or not. All of this amounts to more focused and present work, not just conversations.
Summary of deep listening gains
To summarise all the gains you can expect from improving your listening skills:
- You stay more present in all your conversations
- You prevent avoidable misreadings of what is being communicated
- You save your energy and increase your capacity for social interaction
- You consistently make others feel heard
- You feel better about what you say
- You feel confident that you read things right
- You learn how and when you have energy to be social
- You do better, more thoughtful work
What would you add to either of this list?
What have you noticed from your own conversations?
Where to start
Think about the conversations you currently have. What type of listening are you doing the most of these days — listening to respond, for information, or for deeper understanding?
Next, review the list above. Which one of the gains would you like the most for yourself? Start there.
What’s one thing you might try in your next conversation to make a tiny upgrade in your listening? I stress the importance of tiny here, for two reasons:
- It’s hard to make changes — much less big ones — to a behaviour such as listening. It’s more active an activity than you might think! Start small and easy.
- It’s a strange experience for the other person to see and adjust to a big change in your listening behaviour. They might wonder what’s gotten into you. Start small and go easy on them, too.
Go forth and enjoy the benefits of your improved listening practice!
Kim is a life-long overthinker who has overcome many challenges to turn her mental energy into a superpower for getting things done and feeling great about it. She’s on a mission to help others do the same. Join the expert thinkers who are gaining clarity and focus with weekly insights in the Hold That Thought newsletter
