What On Earth Is This So-called ‘Best Chili Recipe Ever’?

Let food be thy medicine and medicine be thy food. — Hippocrates.

Listen up, you can’t possibly think that throwing a bunch of recipes at someone is the way to truly master the art of cooking. However, if you insist on trying to make “the best chili recipe ever,” I’ll do my best to help you. Now, let’s get something straight, this “best chili recipe ever” is going to require a lot of attention to detail and a fine-tuned palate. If you think you can handle that, then let’s get started.

For the “Best Chili Recipe Ever,” you’ll need the following:

• 3 pounds of beef chuck, finely chopped
• 2 large onions, finely chopped
• 6 cloves of garlic, minced
• 2 red bell peppers, diced
• 2 green bell peppers, diced
• 4 jalapeño peppers, finely chopped
• 2 cans (28 ounces each) of crushed tomatoes
• 1 can (15 ounces) of tomato sauce
• 2 cans (15 ounces each) of kidney beans, drained and rinsed
• 1 can (15 ounces) of black beans, drained and rinsed
• 1 bottle of dark beer
• 4 tablespoons of chili powder
• 2 tablespoons of ground cumin
• 2 tablespoons of smoked paprika
• Salt and black pepper to taste
• 3 tablespoons of vegetable oil
• Chopped fresh cilantro and sour cream for garnish

Now, before you even think about starting this recipe, make sure you have a glass of a bold and robust red wine to keep you company. I’d recommend a bottle of the 2016 Caymus Vineyards Cabernet Sauvignon. Its rich, full-bodied flavor will be the only thing that can compete with this so-called “best chili recipe ever.”

Instructions:

1. Heat the oil in a large Dutch oven over medium-high heat. Add the beef and cook until browned, ensuring that you break up any large chunks with a wooden spoon. This should take about 10 minutes.
2. Add the onions, garlic, and all the peppers to the pot and cook for another 5 minutes, stirring occasionally.
3. Stir in the chili powder, cumin, and smoked paprika, and cook for an additional 2 minutes to bring out the flavors.
4. Pour in the beer, crushed tomatoes, and tomato sauce, and bring the mixture to a boil. Then, reduce the heat to low and simmer, partially covered, for about 2 hours, stirring occasionally.
5. Stir in the kidney beans and black beans, and continue to simmer for an additional 30 minutes, or until the meat is tender and the flavors have melded together. Season with salt and black pepper to taste.
6. Serve the chili in deep bowls, garnished with a dollop of sour cream and a sprinkle of fresh cilantro.

Now, if you’re going to attempt to recreate this “best chili recipe ever,” you better do it justice. And don’t forget to savor each bite with a sip of that 2016 Caymus Vineyards Cabernet Sauvignon. It’s the only thing that will make your attempt at this recipe even remotely bearable.

Bon Appetit

If by some miracle you haven’t turned this recipe into an unmitigated disaster, congratulations on beating the odds. Looking for more culinary challenges that test the limits of your insurance policy? Hit that subscribe button for an onslaught of recipe tragedies. And if you’ve got the audacity to think there’s room for improvement or additions here — because clearly, this recipe could only benefit from your genius — please, grace us with your commentary. Or, do humanity a favor and just restrain yourself.