What On Earth Are You Thinking With These Green Mashed Potatoes?

People who love to eat are always the best people. — Julia Child

What on earth are you thinking with these green mashed potatoes? Green mashed potatoes? Really? Whoever thought this was a good idea clearly has no respect for traditional mashed potatoes. It’s an absolute disgrace to the culinary world. But since you’re here, let me fix this monstrosity of a dish with a recipe that actually makes sense.

Now, let’s get into the real recipe for mashed potatoes. We’ll need:

Ingredients:

• 2 pounds russet potatoes, peeled and cut into 2-inch chunks
• Salt
• 3 sprigs thyme (or a couple teaspoons dried thyme in a small bouquet garni bag or tied up with cheesecloth)
• 1 bunch fresh parsley, leaves chopped (about 1 cup)
• 3 green onions (scallions), white and green parts chopped (about 1/2 cup)
• 1/2 cup milk, divided
• 1/4 cup cream
• 3 tablespoons butter, more to taste
• 1 teaspoon freshly ground black pepper

Special Equipment:

• Food processor

Method:

1. Boil the potatoes: Place the peeled and cut potatoes and the thyme in a medium (2 quart) saucepan and cover with cold water. Add two teaspoons of salt to the water. Bring to a boil and reduce heat to maintain a low simmer. Simmer for 15 to 20 minutes until the potatoes are easily pierced with a fork.
2. Purée parsley and green onions with milk: While the potatoes are cooking, chop up the parsley and the green onions. Place the chopped green onions and parsley in a food processor. Add a teaspoon of salt and the 1/4 cup of the milk. Pulse until smooth.
3. Drain potatoes, heat milk, cream, butter: When the potatoes are done, drain them in a colander and place them in a large bowl. Discard the thyme sprigs. Return the still hot, empty pot to the stove and add the remaining milk, cream, and butter. Heat on low heat until the butter is melted.
4. Mash the potatoes: While the milk is heating, mash the cooked potatoes with a potato masher or use a potato ricer. (Do not over mix or the potatoes will turn gluey.)
5. Stir mashed potatoes into heated milk and cream, stir in parsley purée: Return the mashed potatoes to the pot with the milk mixture and stir to combine. Turn off the heat. Stir in the parsley green onion purée. Add freshly ground black pepper, another teaspoon of salt, or more or less to taste.

Serve these traditional mashed potatoes with your meal and pretend the green ones never existed. Enjoy!

And please, do yourself a favor and never attempt to make green mashed potatoes again. It’s an insult to potatoes everywhere.

Wine Pairing

Finally, let’s pair these green mashed potatoes with a wine that will hopefully help wash down the disappointment. I suggest a crisp and acidic Sauvignon Blanc from Cloudy Bay in New Zealand. The zesty flavors will hopefully distract from the absurdity of green mashed potatoes.

Bon Appetit

If you’ve managed to make these green mashed potatoes without ending up with something resembling radioactive sludge, then give yourself a round of applause. Fancy more culinary experiments that could go either gloriously right or disastrously wrong? Hit that subscribe button for a treasure trove of daring dishes. And if you’re convinced you’ve got the magic touch to refine or enhance this verdant creation — because clearly, it’s just a few tweaks away from perfection — feel free to share your enlightened suggestions in the comments. Or, perhaps consider the virtue of restraint and enjoy your creation in peaceful silence.