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Abstract

lover Tamara helped James finally realize that he didn’t love me any less now that he had these feelings for her. That was just what we’d been taught, but it didn’t necessarily have to be that way, and he could feel that firsthand.</p><p id="adc0">James did once ask me during that transition period who I loved more, him or Nat, but it wasn’t something I could answer. The relationships are <a href="https://readmedium.com/apples-and-oranges-9660f34de486">apples and oranges</a>. Every love is different. In fact, every deep connection with anyone, platonic or not, is different. How beautiful that now we can recognize this and allow for it? How wonderful that we don’t have to sacrifice one in order to experience the other. Nat has his own nesting partner and children, but we are an integral part of each other’s lives, despite that; despite the fact that we now live far apart.</p><p id="1a57">Polyamory, which is just one form of consensual non-monogamy, literally means many loves (poly=many and amor=love). Despite that level of basic Latin that most people could put together, the cultural narrative about only being able to love one person at a time persists, leaving many people quite sure that polyamory is really only about sex. Sex is an important part of most polyamorous relationships to be sure, just as it is an important part of most monogamous ones, but it’s not the only aspect, or even necessarily the main one.</p><p id="e0ff">In fact, some polyamorous relationships have no sex in them at all. A non-sexual polyamorous relationship might take place for a variety of reasons that in more traditional monogamous relationships would likely lead to that couple deciding to break up, but because polyamory allows for a variety of intimate relationships with more than one person, this doesn’t necessarily have to be the case because other needs can be met by other people. Here are some examples:</p><ul><li>One partner realizes that their sexual orientation is different than they thought it was and is no longer sexually interested in their spouse or partner but still loves them.</li><li>Partners realize that they are not truly sexually compatible, but are otherwise a great fit for each other. Either one person has a higher sex drive or one person has or develops sexual interests such as kink that the other person does not share.</li><li>The relationship is more of a spiritual connection than a physical one — almost like a deep friendship but with someone that you are not erotically interested in.</li><li>If people are part of a relationship unit with others who aren’t part of their sexual orientation. I know of a man who is a part of a closed triad with a married couple. They are only involved with each other but he is not sexually intimate with the other man, although they have a very close and committed relationship nonetheless as co-partners who share a home with the same woman.</li><li>My partner Nat and I live far away from each other. We have had a sexual relationship in the past and hope to have one again at some point, but because of the distance and the issues we’ve had trying to get together, we haven’t been able to fulfill on that part for a long time, even though we are both still interested in it.</li><li>Sometimes two gay couples, or one couple and a single person decide to form a family for the purpose of raising children. This might be another instance where love, intimacy, and commitment have nothing to do with sexual interest.</li></ul><p id="73d8">We’ve been taught that love, relationships, and commitment should only look one way, but why? What I’ve learned from non-monogamy is that there are endless ways to engage in loving relationships and even to have long-term commitments and I think that’s a wonderful thing. Of course, if people want to have a more traditional arrangement and that makes them happy, they should absolutely do that although I do believe th

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at some of the stories that come out of a traditional paradigm can be harmful.</p><p id="ed39">Even if you are monogamously married, you do not own or have the right to control your partner’s body. Mutual agreements around sexual exclusivity should not include being the possession of each other (unless you are in an agreed-upon kink relationship where that is one of the elements). This goes double for people who have consensually agreed to be non-monogamous.</p><p id="02a4">Jealousy is not an expression of true love; it’s a manifestation of insecurity. If your partner is upholding all your relationships agreements, then feelings of jealousy are yours to handle, ideally with the love and support of your partner. This means that they listen to and affirm you, not that they change what they are doing so that you aren’t exposed to your triggers.</p><p id="31ce">The other person is not your “other half.” They cannot complete you or fill in the emotional holes in you. Being interdependent is beautiful, but being co-dependent is unhealthy and likely to be destructive to the relationship. Losing yourself to someone else is not actually a good idea, no matter the “two become one” rhetoric of so many marriage ceremonies.</p><p id="f382">It’s almost inevitable that you will slip into relationships roles that were designed by other people hundreds if not thousands of years ago without even realizing it. Explore that together and decide what you want to keep and what you want to get rid of. Even monogamously married couples can actively co-create their relationship by talking about how they really want their relationship to be.</p><p id="d473">Love is abundant; treat it as such, even if you have agreements about exclusivity. Most of the important relationships in my life don’t have a good ready-made term to describe them, and that suits me just fine. They are all slightly different from each other, but each one is characterized by deep feelings of affection, respect, and caring.</p><p id="3521">You don’t have to do your relationships the way I do mine — in fact, that is kind of the point of this. The possibilities around love are myriad and infinitely customizable for any relationship configuration.</p><p id="7c90">Treating love as scarce doesn’t make it sacred. Treating love as abundant does — in whatever way you choose to do that. Just because I have more than one love relationship doesn’t mean I take any of them lightly — in fact, quite the opposite. My capacity for love has grown through non-monogamy, including my capacity to love my partner, James. That probably doesn’t make sense to some people, but it absolutely is the truth.</p><p id="83d9">© Copyright Elle Beau 2022</p><div id="41cf" class="link-block"> <a href="https://readmedium.com/cuckold-is-the-wrong-term-5a3a7950bcd8"> <div> <div> <h2>‘Cuckold’ Is The Wrong Term</h2> <div><h3>Although my husband does enjoy seeing me with other men</h3></div> <div><p>medium.com</p></div> </div> <div> <div style="background-image: url(https://miro.readmedium.com/v2/resize:fit:320/1*_T6MjA4Qr1JGrStYLVb1yA.jpeg)"></div> </div> </div> </a> </div><div id="6bcc" class="link-block"> <a href="https://readmedium.com/polyamory-is-not-a-fear-of-commitment-865da1536090"> <div> <div> <h2>Polyamory Is Not A Fear of Commitment</h2> <div><h3>It’s quite possible to love more than one person at a time</h3></div> <div><p>medium.com</p></div> </div> <div> <div style="background-image: url(https://miro.readmedium.com/v2/resize:fit:320/1*P7ojMMoFwG3y-IyaIb-nWA.jpeg)"></div> </div> </div> </a> </div></article></body>

What Non-monogamy Has Taught Me About Love

A lot of the old rhetoric isn’t true or actually very loving

“What do you think of this guy,” my partner James asked as the image of a handsome stranger appeared in my text messages. We’re getting ready to go on vacation in a few days, and part of the trip will be to Amsterdam, where sex work is legal.

We’d just decided that was something we wanted to take advantage of while we were there and James had been browsing escorts, but not just women. He’d actually taken the time to try to find a man that I might enjoy, and he did a great job — sending me the profile of a guy who is not only physically attractive but who has the other characteristics I would want in such an encounter, such as easy-going, open-minded, and a good listener.

As I was sending the inquiry to the agency about him, I couldn’t help but smile. What a fucking great marriage where my partner would spend time finding me an escort I might like! Then James showed me the profile of the woman he was interested in seeing, and I agreed that she looked very promising as well. I love that we have that level of comfort and trust in each other in order to be able to do this.

We’ve never been particularly jealous. In fact, we opened up our marriage about 8 years ago because we thought it would be exciting to bring other people into our bed, and it absolutely has been. The cultural narrative that your partner’s body belongs to you never really resonated for either of us, although we hadn’t necessarily realized that until we started talking about opening up. We’d been happily monogamous for more than 20 years at that point, but once we both realized we wanted to consensually try non-monogamy, there wasn’t a lot of angst around doing that. It just kind of made sense to us both.

We did spend several weeks talking about what we wanted for ourselves as individuals and as a couple by taking this step, which meant that when we finally got together with another couple, we were on the same page about it. This is a key element to having it go well, I think, but one that a lot of people probably skip, which is to their detriment. It actually bonded us further and brought us closer together to talk about things that we’d been taught were taboo and that level of vulnerability really started us off on the right foot.

The first time we were with just a man, James said to him, “As long as you treat her with respect, I have no issue with anything that you do with her.” And because of that, we had an outstanding time, even though the guys were not sexually involved with each other. I didn’t have to worry about him being uncomfortable and the other man didn’t have to worry about him being possessive. That meant we were all relaxed and able to revel in the pleasure at hand.

Eventually, I fell in love with someone else and that took James a little bit more time to adjust to that. The belief that we can only love one person at a time is deeply ingrained and widely supported in books, movies, and throughout the culture. Naturally, James was a little bit worried that my love for Nat would be the beginning of less love for him, but it wasn’t. Because despite this narrative, love isn’t actually a pie. Giving some away doesn’t mean there is less for someone else and polyamory means you don’t have to leave one love in order to engage in a relationship with another one.

It took time for us to truly adjust to this new way of thinking about relationships and love, but in time we did and made the transition from swingers to polyamorists. Falling in love with our lover Tamara helped James finally realize that he didn’t love me any less now that he had these feelings for her. That was just what we’d been taught, but it didn’t necessarily have to be that way, and he could feel that firsthand.

James did once ask me during that transition period who I loved more, him or Nat, but it wasn’t something I could answer. The relationships are apples and oranges. Every love is different. In fact, every deep connection with anyone, platonic or not, is different. How beautiful that now we can recognize this and allow for it? How wonderful that we don’t have to sacrifice one in order to experience the other. Nat has his own nesting partner and children, but we are an integral part of each other’s lives, despite that; despite the fact that we now live far apart.

Polyamory, which is just one form of consensual non-monogamy, literally means many loves (poly=many and amor=love). Despite that level of basic Latin that most people could put together, the cultural narrative about only being able to love one person at a time persists, leaving many people quite sure that polyamory is really only about sex. Sex is an important part of most polyamorous relationships to be sure, just as it is an important part of most monogamous ones, but it’s not the only aspect, or even necessarily the main one.

In fact, some polyamorous relationships have no sex in them at all. A non-sexual polyamorous relationship might take place for a variety of reasons that in more traditional monogamous relationships would likely lead to that couple deciding to break up, but because polyamory allows for a variety of intimate relationships with more than one person, this doesn’t necessarily have to be the case because other needs can be met by other people. Here are some examples:

One partner realizes that their sexual orientation is different than they thought it was and is no longer sexually interested in their spouse or partner but still loves them.
Partners realize that they are not truly sexually compatible, but are otherwise a great fit for each other. Either one person has a higher sex drive or one person has or develops sexual interests such as kink that the other person does not share.
The relationship is more of a spiritual connection than a physical one — almost like a deep friendship but with someone that you are not erotically interested in.
If people are part of a relationship unit with others who aren’t part of their sexual orientation. I know of a man who is a part of a closed triad with a married couple. They are only involved with each other but he is not sexually intimate with the other man, although they have a very close and committed relationship nonetheless as co-partners who share a home with the same woman.
My partner Nat and I live far away from each other. We have had a sexual relationship in the past and hope to have one again at some point, but because of the distance and the issues we’ve had trying to get together, we haven’t been able to fulfill on that part for a long time, even though we are both still interested in it.
Sometimes two gay couples, or one couple and a single person decide to form a family for the purpose of raising children. This might be another instance where love, intimacy, and commitment have nothing to do with sexual interest.

We’ve been taught that love, relationships, and commitment should only look one way, but why? What I’ve learned from non-monogamy is that there are endless ways to engage in loving relationships and even to have long-term commitments and I think that’s a wonderful thing. Of course, if people want to have a more traditional arrangement and that makes them happy, they should absolutely do that although I do believe that some of the stories that come out of a traditional paradigm can be harmful.

Even if you are monogamously married, you do not own or have the right to control your partner’s body. Mutual agreements around sexual exclusivity should not include being the possession of each other (unless you are in an agreed-upon kink relationship where that is one of the elements). This goes double for people who have consensually agreed to be non-monogamous.

Jealousy is not an expression of true love; it’s a manifestation of insecurity. If your partner is upholding all your relationships agreements, then feelings of jealousy are yours to handle, ideally with the love and support of your partner. This means that they listen to and affirm you, not that they change what they are doing so that you aren’t exposed to your triggers.

The other person is not your “other half.” They cannot complete you or fill in the emotional holes in you. Being interdependent is beautiful, but being co-dependent is unhealthy and likely to be destructive to the relationship. Losing yourself to someone else is not actually a good idea, no matter the “two become one” rhetoric of so many marriage ceremonies.

It’s almost inevitable that you will slip into relationships roles that were designed by other people hundreds if not thousands of years ago without even realizing it. Explore that together and decide what you want to keep and what you want to get rid of. Even monogamously married couples can actively co-create their relationship by talking about how they really want their relationship to be.

Love is abundant; treat it as such, even if you have agreements about exclusivity. Most of the important relationships in my life don’t have a good ready-made term to describe them, and that suits me just fine. They are all slightly different from each other, but each one is characterized by deep feelings of affection, respect, and caring.

You don’t have to do your relationships the way I do mine — in fact, that is kind of the point of this. The possibilities around love are myriad and infinitely customizable for any relationship configuration.

Treating love as scarce doesn’t make it sacred. Treating love as abundant does — in whatever way you choose to do that. Just because I have more than one love relationship doesn’t mean I take any of them lightly — in fact, quite the opposite. My capacity for love has grown through non-monogamy, including my capacity to love my partner, James. That probably doesn’t make sense to some people, but it absolutely is the truth.