What my Resilience looks like right now
Because it’s as fluid as a Twinkling Star
Tonight, I found myself sitting at the edge of the bed singing ‘Ave Maria’ in my childhood language with tears streaming down my face. The song had come from nowhere, rising up and out from deep within and surprising me, because I had consciously tried to remember it, but always unsuccessfully, for years before this.
It also surprised my four-year-old, who had requested ‘Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star’. It was her bed that I was sitting on.
This is what my resilience looks like now. With everything so uncertain, my sense of self and belonging in the world is also shaken. So, when my deepest self called me to a childhood memory of Grace and community (ie singing in a children’s church choir), I answered.
I swelled up with song and followed it up with a stirring rendition of the chorus of ‘Star of Wonder, Star of Night’. Because it naturally followed, and because my child still had her hands in the air, waiting to do the ‘Twinkle Star’ actions:
O star of wonder, star of night, Star with royal beauty bright, Westward leading, still proceeding, Guide us to thy perfect Light
Not so long ago, I would have told you that my resilience has a few faces and I would have been able to describe some of them to you:
- The Warrior Queen — She readies her arms, plants her feet firmly, and tells the world, ‘Oh, Hell No!’.
- The Worker Me— Head down, bum up, this gorgeous little creature plods along, just doing the work as storms rage around her, unruffled and unmovable in her resolve.
- The Mother — She’s the one who comes in when the other two need reining in. ‘That’s it! She’s had enough!’ And I turn off the phone; pull down the blinds, set the alarm for hours away, and actually go to sleep. Because, if she turns up, I know it is time to rest; time to remember that the world churns without me and to trust her and let it be.
Now I can tell you, that in these unprecedented times, it doesn't matter what face I think my resilience is wearing. What matters is that it is an expression of self-love, not just survival. It is fluid — it shows up as it needs to, and my part in this arrangement, is to heed and to answer. My resilience is a promise to myself.
Along the lines of:
I will Remain Open I will Act when Love asks it of me
— Deepak Chopra (Loosely quoted, I cant remember where from)
When the prompt came to sing Ave Maria, I had been open. We (my child and I), had just come in from saying ‘goodnight’ to the moon and assigning the stars. It’s a nightly ritual right now; she points at a star and says, ‘That one for me, that one for mummy, that one for Opa (grandpa)…’ etc. I had reflected that this was a secular version of ‘God bless me and God bless mummy, and God bless grandpa…’. I also noted with sadness, that her list got shorter the longer we had restricted contact with extended family and community.
Holding her up to point upwards, cuddling her close in her pajamas and smelling her clean-child-smell hair, my heart was already full and as expansive as the night sky. I loved her and us in those moments, as much as and as dearly as anything could ever be loved.
So when the Madonna of my childhood called to be heard; I sang. I sang of her hope, her guiding light. I sang along with countless others who had looked to her star in their distress. And it eased the sheer weight of my yet unacknowledged sense of isolation; my not-even-recognized-as longing for community, the sorrow I felt for our little family. The Grace of my childhood had come to meet me.
I do not know how I will teach my child about the mysteries of what sustains us and makes us resilient. When she asked about the Ave Maria, sung in a language she didn’t know, I told her it was another song about a star. Because the truth is, I’m not sure it is for me to teach her my way. I trust that we all find our own way when we’re open to it.
Thank you to Trisha Traughber for calling me out to write more (in the most generous and loving way ever), and for the writing prompt, ‘What does your resilience look like?’: