What Multicultural Relationship Taught Me About Unconditional Love
If you are dating a foreigner your life will never be boring.
Last week my neighbour was bad-mouthing a couple that lives in our building. She approached me to complain once again. I usually don’t respond to her comments but this time I could not help myself.
“By the way, what kind of couple are those two? He is American and she is Russian. It’s ridiculous! Doesn’t make any sense, right?” the neighbour asked, hoping I would reassure her.
I could not ignore that comment, because I am in a multicultural relationship myself. I turned around and answered: “I think they are an amazing match”.
When you love someone, you love them. Period. Yet that doesn’t stop some people from questioning its ability to last.
Marrying my partner from a different culture is one of the bravest things I could have done. To take that step was an act of faith in our love. The obstacles any couple faces in a marriage are often multiplied in a multicultural marriage.
I know that my husband loves me unconditionally — not only just as I am, but because of what I am. He never once criticized me for our cultural differences. He actually adores them.
Any differences we had — we were able to face them together, and we are rewarded with a marriage that I know will withstand the test of time because my spouse is willing to support and understand me through thick and thin.
There is a lot of prejudice, though. Everywhere. However, I’m here to tell you that the benefits of interracial or multicultural relationships far outweigh their challenges — and there’s a lot we can learn about unconditional love from them.
Love Knows No Prejudice
In my country, there is a lot of prejudice about being in a relationship with a foreign man. And people are quite keen to show it. I remember when my husband first visited my country and in the restaurant, the waiter asked me “why am I dating a foreigner? are there not enough good men in my own country?”
The question would be considered by many rude elsewhere but in my country, it’s normal to ask blunt questions, however rude they may be perceived. My husband got used to it and I usually answer back with something like humoristic “because he is rich obviously!”
I am lucky that even though I come from a quite patriarchal family my parents were open to the idea of me being in a multicultural relationship. With one condition of course — they had to meet my husband first and approve of him.
There were times where I used to judge my own husband for being different as I have put expectations on him which were instilled in me since my childhood — man should always keep his work life separate, he should never discuss finances or show his emotions.
I’ve learned to let go of some beliefs that didn’t serve me nor our relationship and I have also looked at my own family’s “culture” from a different perspective which helped me shine the light on these misaligned beliefs and perceptions.
Letting go of certain beliefs has helped me get along better, judge less, and grow into a relationship with more ease. I did not experience as much overt racism or judgment today as our parents did if they dated someone who was browner than they were or comes from a different country. But even though interracial relationships are more common than ever, those of us in multicultural families experience subtle judgment almost daily.
Love is powerful and it may conquer all, but it isn’t enough to make any relationship work. Understanding, tolerance and compromises are essential. I’ve learned to accept, honour and respect what is important to my spouse. And so did he.
We all must learn to like or accept one another’s differences if we want to function in relationship and society. As a result, we grew stronger. We bonded more and we don’t sweat the small stuff.
Being in a multicultural relationship forced me to examine my own judgment. Letting go of judgement is the only step for anyone who is seeking unconditional love.
Love Is Tolerant
When I became more accepting I learned to lighten up. I used to be frustrated every time my husband added the subtle “sorry” at the end of his sentence. I had no clue what was he apologizing for?
At first, I used to look at it as a British thing but as time went on, I changed my perspective and even incorporated some of the sorry’s into my own vocabulary. I started appreciating his unique idiosyncrasies and mannerisms instead of becoming frustrated or annoyed by them.
His lunch still involves sandwiches, but my dinners are dragging on for two hours and include more talking than eating. I laugh at his jokes because I understand him, not the jokes though! And I look forward to the now-endearing way he speaks.
He smiles whenever he sees me dancing to the sound of the turbofolk music as he understands that the sound of trumpets will always accompany every major event in our life — wedding, childbirth or any other celebration. It’s my tradition which he is keen to share with me, along with many others and many of them have also warmed his heart to the point where he started to join me in the uncontrollable dance routines.
Being tolerant is key to achieving unconditional love — and it makes you experience less stress in your life.
Love Celebrates
Together it seems like we started celebrating everything. I celebrate his family holidays and he celebrates mine. What’s more, we have also created our own holiday traditions together, which is yet another reason to celebrate.
To many preparing for one Christmas may be stressful enough, well I and my husband celebrate two. On top of it, I also celebrate Old New Years Day on January 13th. The whole Christmas holiday season starts for us from the 23rd of December up to January 14th.
We also celebrate monthly anniversaries, birthday’s, name day’s, Slava’s (Orthodox Christian tradition of the ritual glorification of one’s family’s patron saint ), bank holidays, Valentine’s and other’s.
Traditions have enriched and embellished life and the more of them there are, the more reasons to celebrate. Experiencing life with my husband from across borders has become a celebration of boundless love.
There’s nothing I love more than an excuse to celebrate life/love and have a gathering with family and friends. Being in a multicultural relationship, I have an extensive list of the holidays. From Christmas in Belgrade, Easter in Cardiff, Djurdjedan in Portoroz, and Halloween in….it’s party central — all year round!
I love learning about my husband’s festivals and incorporating them into our lives and so does he. We’re constantly planning and looking forward to the next cultural holiday.
Love Has No Borders
I always loved to travel but being in a multicultural relationship has made travelling mandatory. Together we have gotten to travel more and explore several of each other’s cultures. And we always have fun.
Travelling together has made us build our own amazing impression of the world around us. I’m fortunate enough to have been to almost every continent, and my relationship helped feed that travel dream.
Even though I don’t always enjoy going to certain places which are important to my husband, I do it anyway. Because I appreciate him and his foreign customs, background and country.
I mean, those are, for the most part, exactly what shaped this amazing person with whom I am lucky enough to spend my life!
I learned not to complain about going to the same places or having to deal with the same annoying relatives. I compromise a lot as the relationship is a two-way street. Being married to my husband means that I am constantly planning my next trip to visit his homeland and family elders and vice versa.
Travelling with my spouse anywhere is always a great opportunity to find out what we are made of as a couple. As Mark Twain said: “there ain’t no surer way to find out whether you like people or hate them than to travel with them.”
We have also learned how to communicate more effectively to hear each other out. Unlike a ‘normal’ couple who grew up in the same culture and might assume they’re on the ‘same page’ when they’re not. I’ve learnt never to assume that we are seeing eye-to-eye without checking first.
Saying “you’re wrong!” gets us nowhere in discussions instead I am using “help me understand where you’re coming from” as a much better solution.
While being in an intercultural relationship is not easy, it’s the experience of a lifetime. I will never forget the evening we decided somewhere in Switzerland that we are going all in. I’ve asked him :
“Are you ready for this? This will not be easy, but I can promise you it will never be boring”
I’ve kept the promise and so did he. I am fortunate to be in an intercultural relationship and have the chance to live between two cultures and celebrate them both. It is an amazing opportunity filled with personal growth.
Growing up, I didn’t expect my life to look like this, but I wouldn’t change a thing. I will always choose to love him, no matter where he comes from.
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