What Kind Of Pathetic Chili Doesn’t Even Have Meat In It?

Everything you see I owe to spaghetti. — Sophia Loren

Vegetarian Cincinnati Chili Recipe

Now, let’s get to the recipe! First of all, if you’re a meat lover and have a problem with a meatless chili, I suggest you broaden your culinary horizons and appreciate the deliciousness of vegetarian dishes.

For the chili:

• 16 ounces sliced cremini mushrooms
• 1 (6-ounce) can tomato paste
• 5 cups water
• 1 (8-ounce) can tomato sauce
• 1 large yellow onion, minced (about 3 cups)
• 6 cloves garlic, minced
• 3 tablespoons chili powder
• 1 teaspoon ground cumin
• 1 teaspoon ground cinnamon
• 3/4 teaspoon ground allspice
• 1/4 teaspoon ground cloves
• 1/2 teaspoon cayenne pepper
• 2 teaspoons kosher salt, plus more to taste
• 2 tablespoons vegan Worcestershire sauce
• 1 1/2 cups brown or green lentils (preferably French green lentils du Puy; do not use red lentils)
• 1 tablespoon apple cider vinegar
• 1/2 ounce chopped unsweetened chocolate, optional

For serving:

• Oyster crackers
• Finely shredded plant-based cheddar
• Minced yellow onion
• Hot cooked spaghetti

Instructions:

1. Mince the mushrooms: In two batches, pulse the mushrooms in a food processor until they are finely minced. Be mindful not to go too far, or they’ll turn to mush. Alternatively, you may grind the mushrooms in a food grinder or mince them by hand with a knife and cutting board. Set the mushrooms aside.
2. Cook the tomato paste: Heat a large, heavy-bottomed pot or Dutch oven over medium-high heat. Add the tomato paste to the dry pot and cook, constantly scraping the bottom with a wooden spoon or silicone spatula, until the tomato smells rich and toasty, and you start to see browned, but not burned patches in the bottom of the pot. This should take 1 to 3 minutes.
3. Add the spices, lentils, and mushrooms: Add the water, which will help keep the tomato paste from scorching. Stir well, scraping the bottom to free any stuck-on paste. Add the tomato sauce, onion, garlic, chili powder, cumin, cinnamon, allspice, cloves, cayenne pepper, salt, Worcestershire sauce, lentils, and minced mushrooms. Mix them together into a sludge.
4. Cook for at least 1 hour: Bring to a simmer over medium-high heat, stirring frequently. Reduce the heat and continue to gently simmer, uncovered, until the lentils are tender but not falling apart. How long this will take will depend on the type and age of the lentils you are using. Stir the chili often. You want the volume to reduce, but add water if needed so the lentils can cook through. When the chili reaches its ideal consistency, there will be bubbles slowly gurgling up like lava, and a spoon will leave a trail when you drag it through the chili.
5. Add the vinegar and chocolate: Add the vinegar and chocolate, if using. Let sit for 10 minutes, then taste and adjust seasonings if needed.
6. Pulse with an immersion blender: To break up the lentils and get a more convincing Cincinnati chili texture, stick an immersion blender in the pot and pulse it a few times.
7. Serve: Serve as desired: over spaghetti, over a Coney dog, or in a bowl. Top with the combo of toppings that speaks to you.

Vegan Cincinnati chili will keep refrigerated for up to 1 week or frozen for up to 1 year.

Nutrition Facts (per serving)

• 147 Calories
• 2g Fat
• 28g Carbs
• 8g Protein

Enjoy this hearty, flavorful vegetarian Cincinnati chili and let it open your mind to the wonderful world of meatless dishes. And for those who are still stuck in their narrow meat-centric mindset, I suggest you broaden your palate and appreciate the deliciousness of vegetarian cuisine. Cheers!

Wine Pairing

Pair this hearty vegetarian Cincinnati chili with a smooth and rich Pinot Noir. I recommend the 2017 Domaine Serene Evenstad Reserve Pinot Noir from Willamette Valley, Oregon. Its velvety texture and complex flavors will complement the depth of the chili’s spices and the richness of the mushrooms and lentils.

Bon Appetit

Congratulations on not burning down the house! If you somehow found this mess of a recipe enjoyable and crave more culinary chaos, hit that subscribe button — more disasters await. And if you think you’ve got what it takes to fix this trainwreck of a recipe, by all means, leave your critique in the comments. Or better yet, save us the headache and keep your “expertise” to yourself.