avatarL.J. Rose

Summary

The author recounts their personal struggle with alcohol, detailing a recent relapse into blackout drinking, the subsequent recovery process, and the decision to remain alcohol-free.

Abstract

The article is a first-person narrative describing the author's experience with alcohol abuse, their efforts to manage their drinking habits through therapy and mindful drinking, and a recent incident where they succumbed to old patterns. After a night of heavy drinking with an old friend, the author wakes up with a blackout, piecing together the night's events with fragmented memories and phone evidence. The experience leads to a reflection on the nature of alcohol addiction, its spectrum of effects on individuals, and the realization that alcohol does not contribute positively to their life. The author concludes by embracing sobriety and expresses hope for a new beginning free from alcohol.

Opinions

  • The author believes that their drinking problem is situational and linked to emotional triggers, rather than a constant craving for alcohol.
  • They acknowledge the effectiveness of therapy, anti-depressants, and mindful drinking in managing their relationship with alcohol.
  • The author suggests that despite personal progress, certain emotional states can lead to relapse.
  • The article conveys the idea that blackouts are a frightening aspect of heavy drinking, as they involve functioning without memory.
  • The author cites Sarah Hepola's perspective on gender differences in

What It’s Like to Recover from an Alcohol-Induced Blackout

The next morning, I woke up half-naked in my bed with no idea of how I got there.

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I have struggled with alcohol for most of my life.

I have abused alcohol as a way to numb my pain, to get things I wanted, or to feel more comfortable in my own skin.

The last few years, I have worked hard to develop a healthier relationship with alcohol—therapy, anti-depressants for a while, and practicing mindful drinking when I did drink, which was rarely.

I never drank on my own. I didn’t “crave” alcohol. I just, you know, sometimes overdid it. For the most part, my drinking was circumstantial. I knew what my triggers were, so I stayed away from those situations.

When I became more aware of what was going on inside, I knew that another glass of wine wouldn’t help me be more social and fun, but that I needed to go home and go to bed early. For a while, I felt in control of my drinking.

Until a few weeks ago when I had what I guess you could call a “relapse,” but I’m not sure what the correct term is for someone who isn’t sober.

My friend was in town from my old party days, and though I knew this was a dangerous situation, I thought I’d be fine to handle it with everything I’d learned. I’d also been dealing with some personal issues and not feeling totally like myself, and I had this attitude of, for just one night, I want to not think about anything.

I should have known what that would lead to. I should have known I wasn’t in the right headspace.

I tossed back tequila shots and let the alcohol work its magic.

The next morning, I woke up half-naked in my bed with no idea of how I got there.

My head was pounding. My mouth was dry. I reached for my phone—no, water first. I chugged back the bottle I guess my drunk self left for me on my nightstand and then checked messages.

I had texted my friend around 1 am to say I got home. The last thing I remembered was the shots, and then it was all a blur.

A blackout is like trying to watch a film with the signal flashing in and out. You can see glimpses of these scenes from the night but there’s no context and you can’t make out what’s being said. The scary part of a blackout is knowing you were somehow functioning in the world but not remembering anything you did.

I groaned and collapsed back into bed, knowing this day would be hell.

But I knew also this routine well: I had blacked out so many times before. I knew what to do to get myself through it.

After a blackout, you’ll need to put together the pieces. You’ll play detective and get as much information from the traces your drunk self left behind.

Unfortunately, my friend was not in much of a better state than me, and when I texted her to ask what happened she replied with a: oh god, no idea but so much fun hahahah. She wouldn’t be much help.

I made myself some toast and got more cold water. I felt too nauseous to eat anything else.

I threw on some reality T.V. and let myself doze in and out of sleep for a few more hours.

Finally, I was feeling braver to check the rest of my phone. I had texted an ex-boyfriend from nearly ten years ago asking how he was doing. Great. My bank statement showed a few more rounds of drinks at the bar we were at, and then a cab ride home.

I always think about how lucky I am to have made it home safe in that state. As Sarah Hepola has said, “When men are in a blackout they do things to the world, but when women are in a blackout things are done to them.”

It didn’t seem like anything else had happened other than rounds of drinks at the bar and then catching a cab home, but it could very much have been worse.

By 3 p.m. I made a large bowl of pasta and talked with my roommate, trying to pretend I was not feeling awful and hating myself. I then scrolled on TikTok for a few hours, wanting the day to go by.

I could tell my brain was starting to spiral: what is wrong with you, you shouldn’t have gone out, you had stuff to do today and now you’ve wasted your day, you were being so healthy the last few weeks, and now it’s all gone down the drain.

But I also knew that this kind of thinking wasn’t helpful. I knew that tomorrow would be a new day. I couldn’t erase the mistakes of the night before, but I could change how I would act going forward.

And that’s when it hit me—even though I knew this from all the research I’d done, it still hadn’t really sunk in—that I had my issues, sure. But I wasn’t the problem, alcohol was.

Alcohol is addictive by nature. We often associate those who abuse alcohol with someone who is drunk all day and all night, who can’t keep a job, who loses relationships. But for many of us, the struggle is a spectrum.

“The truth is alcohol is addictive, not just to alcoholics but to human beings.” — Annie Grace

What also hit me was the reminder that alcohol brings nothing good to my life. I had been managing it, and managing it well enough, but maybe it was always just a matter of time before a bad night happened again. Like it was lurking around the corner.

I ordered dinner and ate from my desk before collapsing back into bed. I finally fell asleep at 10 p.m., hoping the next day would be better.

When I woke up the next morning, my head still felt a little groggy, but I knew the worst of it was over.

My room was in a state. There were clothes all over the floor, my outfit from the night strewn across the carpet from when I must have come home and stripped down. My takeout was still on my desk.

I got up and opened a window. Threw out the trash. Brought my dishes downstairs. Put my clothes into the laundry bin. Made a cup of coffee. And I sat down to write this story.

I have now been alcohol-free for 19 days. I do not know if I will reintroduce alcohol into my life again, but I’m just focusing on the now and right now, I do not want it in my life.

Today feels like the start of something new. I have taken this route before, but I am hopeful that this time, things are different.

All I can do is work towards changing myself one day at a time.

If you struggle with alcohol abuse, don’t hesitate to reach out for help.

If you liked this story, consider joining and becoming a Medium Member for $5/month, here. Check out my other story on addiction:

Alcohol
Alcohol Abuse
Drinking
Addiction
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