What It Takes To Grow Together As A Couple

The decaying roots that crumble a marriage, short term, or long term.

I was preparing dinner when I heard the news flash, Bill Gates and Melinda French Gates are divorcing after 27 years of marriage. I am saddened by this news.

This world-famous, powerful couple seemed to have it all; incredible wealth, beautiful children, a successful business, and a larger-than-life philanthropy mission they were both passionate about.

What happened?

Twitter is ablaze with opinions because we all love to second-guess what may have gone wrong between the two. I don’t know either of them personally and will not use their private matter for public reading amusement.

This article is not about them. It is about marriage in today’s times. Their divorce makes me question why more and more marriages, that seem to have everything going in the right direction, end up in the doldrums.

Is the institution of a marriage crumbling?

I’m not a relationship expert. Far from it. However, I do respect the sanctity of the union between two people. It is sacred, fragile, and should be safeguarded. As more and more marriages, especially, long-term ones break, I wonder if the foundation of this institution needs an overhaul.

From my own experience and countless others, I see around me; I believe many factors in a marriage beckon reform and restructuring.

Let’s stop seeking perfection

“A great marriage is not when the ‘perfect couple’ comes together. It is when an imperfect couple learns to enjoy their differences.” -Dave Meurer

A marriage is a union between two unique human beings.

Both were raised in different families with distinct thought patterns and varied life views. If two human fingerprints are never the same, how can we expect two different people to match perfectly, and live harmoniously, for the rest of their lives?

Seeking perfection in a partner is the first lethal mistake couples make.

At the beginning of the relationship, the excitement of building a life together overshadows any unpleasant shortfalls they may notice in each other.

As time passes and the rigors of life peel away the romance, the imperfections are magnified. Petty differences mushroom into glaring disparities, eating away at the root, and slowly decaying the relationship.

It’s a commitment

“The bonds of matrimony are like any other bonds — they mature slowly.”- Peter De Vries

I was born in a country with the lowest divorce rates in the world. When I examine the relationships, I see among many family members and friends, a few things stand out.

Marriages in India, are rooted in tolerance and compromise, by both partners.

They often have a strong support structure from the extended family to help keep the marriage intact. It’s like a protective scaffolding that prevents a building from falling.

Like a tree that takes years to grow from seed to bearing fruit, marriages take years of patience and nurturing to blossom and bloom.

Unfortunately, we live in a world of instant gratification. We want immediate results, and our needs should be met instantly, if not, we’re out.

It’s not always all good

“Marriage is a mosaic you build with your spouse. Millions of tiny moments that create your love story.” - Jennifer Smith

Whoever walks into a marriage thinking it’s all about, ‘Then they lived happily ever after’ is in for a huge disappointment.

Like everything in life, marriage is a combination of ups, downs, and plateaus, throughout a couple’s journey together. Putting it in hypothetical terms, for every 10 days in a marriage, there are 6 blah days, 3 bad days, and 1 good day. This combination is rinsed and repeated in different variations throughout the marriage life.

It’s not based on equality

“Love is an ideal thing, marriage a real thing.”- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

Life is not fair; neither is marriage.

The inequality I am referring to is not about one partner having an upper hand over the other but the fact that in its different phases, a marriage rarely serves both partners equally.

No matter how many terms and conditions are cemented in stone before saying ‘I Do’, the agreements change with circumstances.

No couple can perfectly plan their marriage through its different life stages.

For example, before marriage and immediately after, both partners may have well-established careers, earning stable incomes, that provide a comfortable life for both.

Once the child comes into the union, the circumstances change. One partner may have to predictably reduce or forgo their career and hence paycheck, to nurture this new life. Before you know it, the earning partner starts shouldering the entire weight of the family’s financial burden alone, while the other partner is tasked with taking care of the child(ren) and doing mundane chores, neither of which generates any tangible income. Suddenly, the earning partner looks at their non-earning partner as less than perfect.

It’s a juggling act and someone is bound to drop the ball

“You don’t marry one person; you marry three: the person you think they are, the person they are, and the person they are going to become as a result of being married to you.”- Richard Needham

Society has become increasingly complicated. It’s no secret that many couples are exhausted and on the brink of a breakdown juggling between their demanding work and family life. With the increasing complexities involved in raising Generation Z children, the pressures of parenting are ruthless.

Between work, home, meals, and raising children, there is rarely any time (or energy) left to nurture the couple’s relationship.

Before you know it, the relationship reservoir drys up and there is a drought in the marriage. The blame games and finger-pointing starts rusting the relationship.

It’s said you cannot solve a problem with the same mind that created it. Similarly, it’s tough to sustain a healthy marriage with the same minds that created the problems within it.

It’s not about you. It’s about us.

“A long-lasting marriage is built by two people who believe in -and live by the solemn promise they made.” - Darlene Schacht

Many couples forget this mantra along the journey.

When either partner starts looking at their marriage as an intrusion into their freedom, it's an endgame.

A marriage takes two to tango. You cannot row the marriage boat as a couple, take it into the deep ocean of life, add new passengers in it, and then decide that you’re better off at the shore, alone, or in a new boat.

Unfortunately, many couples end up in this situation when one partner thinks their freedom from the union is more important than continuing to row the boat together.

Partners grow at a different pace

“The bonds of matrimony are like any other bonds — they mature slowly.”-Peter De Vries

While change is the only constant in life, the pace of change isn’t.

As life takes you along its ebbs and flow, you and your partner may grow into vastly different people, from the ones that took the marriage vows.

Two evolved individuals who no longer share a common dream. Looking in different directions instead of the same.

Most long-term marriages face this debacle. There is no logical explanation as to when or how this happens. It’s a choice to carry on and wade through the water, regardless of how murky it is, or to stop rowing and get off the boat.

I am not here to denounce the ones that leave the boat. It’s a personal choice. Everyone is responsible for the consequences of their actions.

Relationships are tough. Even the happiest of marriages are never happy all the time.

For a marriage to survive the perils of time, it needs fluidity, communication, commitment, and an agreement from both partners to constantly do the work to help it adapt and flourish.

“Happily ever after is not a fairy tale. It’s a choice.”- Fawn Weaver

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