What Is and What Will Never Be
Reflections on getting a grip
The other day, I came upon a story from a writer who referenced “earworms.” You know…those songs that, love them or hate them, you can’t get out of your head.
I’ve yet to read it, but I am going to hunt it down and do so.
It got me thinking as so many of my ramblings result from a song or songs, that slither through my brain and take up residence for ridiculously large amounts of time. Sometimes, they’ll back off, but the damn things only tease me as they usually come back to further provoke me.
I’m an easy target for repetitive thoughts as OCD and anxiety have rendered me an individual who finds it nearly impossible to shut down and relax. Perhaps some of you will relate. It’s not the most terrible state of being, to run at full throttle eighty-five percent of the time, but conversely, I imagine it’s blissful to be the type of person who can let all the shit go.
On those nights when I’m unable to fall asleep in a flash, lyrics will run through my head on a constant loop until I find myself whispering them.
The title of this story is inspired by Led Zeppelin’s What Is and What Should Never Be. As a huge Zep fan, many of their tunes resonate with me, but this is the one that’s been haunting me, of late.
Having recently turned 68, I’ve been dealing with all that this number implies. As in the unavoidable passage of time. Yes, it’s just a number, but it forces me to think about my goals, my dreams, all my endeavors that have either been quashed by my own fuck-ups, or the negativity and inattention of others.
As I’ve written several screenplays, both for feature films and television pilots, I’ve put forth a great deal of time and energy in order to get these projects off the ground. As in “many years.”
I’ve taken notes from my various managers, producers, and their herd of lackeys but still, I’ve not accomplished my goal of becoming a working screenwriter. “Working,” meaning just that. Taking on assignments, seeing my own work projects produced, and the like.
“Working,” meaning I don’t have to fragment my time across several different writing platforms to make a buck. And, as much as I’ve criticized this one, at least I have somewhat of a toe-hold. I don’t have to bang my head against the proverbial door to “get in.” I’m comfortable here. In fact, I’m getting a warm, fuzzy vibe right now.
Not so with Hollywood. By and large, players in the entertainment industry think their shit doesn’t stink. But, it does indeed and the stench is pervasive, especially for screenwriters like myself who have the goods, but not the connections. Oh, I have a smattering, but none that can green-light a project on their own.
The whole asking writers for money thing would be funny if it wasn’t so disturbing, but the first question a relatively new screenwriter is asked when pitching a project is, “Is there any financing in place?”
Ev Williams, are you reading this? Wouldn’t you love an Executive Producer credit with money on the back end and points and invites to awards shows and all that awesome crap?
What the hell? When did people start thinking that we writers have the kind of coin that could finance a movie project and bring it to fruition? Hell, you could write a screenplay that would have Ethan Coen crying in his beer wishing he’d written it, and still, without plunking down some of your hard-earned dough, that gem on a page would get a “pass.”
As an aside, I would be remiss if I didn’t add that yes, I’ve met some gracious people in the industry. I don’t know how many of you remember the actress and director Sondra Locke. She was Clint Eastwood’s girlfriend and frequent co-star until he dumped her and then followed up by blackballing her to the extent that she rarely worked, again. That’s how I understand it, anyway.
Well, I’d been in touch with Locke via email to gauge her interest in producing and directing one of my projects. She communicated with me directly. No fawning minion to muck things up and turn me away. And, although she was interested, she told me that she’d been ill and was unable to take on any projects, much less mine. With that said, though, she couldn’t have been more of a human being and I’ll always remember her for that. Sadly, she died in 2018.
Much like someone who retires and finds him or herself aimless and without purpose, I have to wonder what I would do if I decided to get a grip on reality and pull the plug on my screenwriting dream. Most likely, I would continue to write here…maybe take my chances on a novel. Yet, I also wonder if I’d feel as if something was missing. That if only I’d waited another six months or a year a producer would come along who finally got me, one with money and the connections to launch this seasoned babe into the stratosphere.
“What if?” There’s always that, isn’t there?
What if we stay? What if we go? How do we make the right choice?
How many of you have been slogging away, hoping that your writing journey takes you all the way to your hoped-for destination? To the culmination of your dream? I would love to hear if the journey you’ve embarked on is infinite, or if you’ve set a limit for yourself.
Two more years and that’s it. No more fucking around.
The thing is, I don’t have an alternative plan. Probably, I won’t be traveling the globe or learning how to jet ski, or raising my own Leghorns. I can’t see myself quilting or having a garden that’s the envy of the neighborhood or making stock from scratch. Instead, I’m going to be sitting on my ass, writing to you, with the hope that someone will tell me the truth, even if I don’t particularly wish to hear it.
What is and what will never be. Given that we’re alive, in the here and now, surely all we can do is keep plugging away and to hell with the rest.
© Sherry McGuinn, 2021. All Rights Reserved.
Sherry McGuinn is a slightly-twisted, longtime Chicago-area writer and award-winning screenwriter. Her work has appeared in The Chicago Tribune, Chicago Sun-Times, and numerous other publications. Sherry’s soon-to-be-ex-manager is currently NOT pitching her newest screenplay, a drama with dark, comedic overtones and inspired by a true story.
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