What I Used To Think Was Enough

A Poem About Growing Out of Personal Oblivion

What I used to think was enough is a far cry from what is actually enough if I want myself to be the person that I want myself to be

I used to think it was enough to be color blind to race until I realized that being color blind or using that terminology as a way to bolster the white empathy inside of me meant that I couldn’t see the injustice since everyone looked the same shade when I knew we did not

I used to think it was enough to have a lot of gay friends as if that meant it was easier for them when they wanted to get married or adopt a baby or get partner death benefits as if I was so woke because I was straight and had no issues because my friends were gay when that thought itself is so backward that I am retroactively appalled

I used to think it was enough to not get weird when talking to someone who I suspected of potentially being trans and if you read that again, yes, it is that embarrassing because I used to give myself a pat on the back for not reacting to someone for being themselves as if I deserved something for being mindfully aprejudicial

I used to think it was enough to say that there isn’t much I can do since I don’t feel hatred or prejudice but inaction can be oppressive action when you know right from wrong and really I was just saying that I didn’t want to get involved because I didn’t know how to support my friends the right way

I used to think it was enough to read about the disparity between male and female pay in every industry and then do nothing since, what could I do, I am a fair person when all I was doing was contributing to a fuselage of inaction

I used to think it was enough to put someone in prison for rape but then after the trial ended, I went home and watched tv, and the victim went home, the same as every other day, with the memories of violence ingrained deep in their psyche as I moved on to the next case thinking I did something special when a prison sentence did nothing to take away their pain

I used to think it was enough to beat myself up on the inside about all of the things I should have done about all the ways I could have acted but then one day, I stopped and I realized that I can do better

The way I used to think wasn’t good enough and today, and every day, is just part of a new journey to be better than I was the day before To act more and not stand idly by while the world melts from the heat of prejudicial darkness

I used to live in personal oblivion a protective bubble glazed with privilege but I’d rather pop that bubble over and over and over again than stay inside of it and think all the thoughts that I used to think were enough

Many of these thoughts are very old thoughts, old ways of being in terms of what I used to think, but thinking about them made me realize that even though I have always been a supporter of equal rights for all, I have to acknowledge the inherent privilege in being able to just stand behind the glass wall and support from behind that window. This is a reminder to self that talk is cheap and action is warranted now, more than ever.

© Jonathan Greene 2020

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