I Hate Myself (Some Days)

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Abstract

ce into a finger-torture that won’t release you unless you give in and accept your own perennial failure</p><p id="a830">I hate myself for ever raising my voice when my kids were small and I was frustrated even though I know other people are bad and hit and scream and belittle and my version of raising my voice is a predetermined octave-raise that most people would consider light but nevertheless, I beat myself up ten years later for that same octave</p><p id="7519">Some days I hate myself for hating myself which is very confusing and circular and also meta and very annoying because it creates a circle of self-mistrust that spins and spins until I am that hamster on the wheel and the only way to keep the world going is by my action</p><p id="c786">I hate myself even when I love myself and I love myself more than most people do Sometimes I am really proud of myself until I mess up and then my hatred is worse because I chastise myself for even thinkin

Options

g I was so good in the first place As if I was a medal stripped for doping, my happiness with self is temporary I always seem to be waiting for someone to take it away from me and unfortunately, I’ve just come to realize that the someone I’ve been waiting on is me</p><p id="4fef">© <a href="undefined">Jonathan Greene</a> 2020</p><p id="1c3f">If you liked this, you might like this as well:</p><div id="765b" class="link-block"> <a href="https://readmedium.com/what-i-see-when-i-look-in-the-mirror-892145b86bf8"> <div> <div> <h2>What I See When I Look in the Mirror</h2> <div><h3>A Poem</h3></div> <div><p>medium.com</p></div> </div> <div> <div style="background-image: url(https://miro.readmedium.com/v2/resize:fit:320/0*xdTrskpbWLwdMQLe)"></div> </div> </div> </a> </div></article></body>

A Poem

Some days I can’t stop counting all the ways I hate myself because of the imperfection of the world and how I can’t deal with it and even though I know things never go as planned I still feel like an abject failure when absolutely nothing goes as planned and I tighten up my hood and hold tight to the only thing I know, my misery

I hate myself for all of the wrong decisions I make even when most of them seem right at the time and many of those prove to be true It’s just that the world has a way of twisting your confidence into a finger-torture that won’t release you unless you give in and accept your own perennial failure

I hate myself for ever raising my voice when my kids were small and I was frustrated even though I know other people are bad and hit and scream and belittle and my version of raising my voice is a predetermined octave-raise that most people would consider light but nevertheless, I beat myself up ten years later for that same octave

Some days I hate myself for hating myself which is very confusing and circular and also meta and very annoying because it creates a circle of self-mistrust that spins and spins until I am that hamster on the wheel and the only way to keep the world going is by my action

I hate myself even when I love myself and I love myself more than most people do Sometimes I am really proud of myself until I mess up and then my hatred is worse because I chastise myself for even thinking I was so good in the first place As if I was a medal stripped for doping, my happiness with self is temporary I always seem to be waiting for someone to take it away from me and unfortunately, I’ve just come to realize that the someone I’ve been waiting on is me

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