Relationships

What I Learned From My Past Relationships and How I Will Never Go Back to That Way of Living

By learning to love myself, I developed the courage to walk away from many toxic relationships

I struggled a lot with relationships. I left home at nineteen and was definitely not prepared emotionally for life.

I didn’t know anything about relationships.

I was good at making friends which was an advantage, and a disadvantage.

The advantage was that people liked me.

The disadvantage was that I didn’t know how to choose healthy relationships.

During my nurse training, I would notice people form little groups. I struggled with this because I couldn’t choose.

Some groups seemed boring to me, but others were immoral and wild, and I knew that went against my values, hazy and undefined as they were.

I had one friend who I really liked. Her name was Emma. She was English and we were both innocent and only interested in music, fashion, our hair, makeup, and being silly. We laughed a lot together, but I didn’t know how to nurture that friendship.

Anyway, as time went on, one group was pushy and dominant. They had no moral values, and spending time with them went totally against who I was at my core.

That’s when the depression hit.

I couldn’t cope with the pressure of being surrounded by people like that, so I wanted to leave nursing. I went home for a while to take a break but returned, even though I didn’t feel strong.

Yet, looking back now, I did have a lot of courage for a twenty-one-year-old girl. I told them at the accommodation that they would have to move me out of the annex and into another one. They didn’t want to do it, but I insisted and told them it was for my mental health.

I wanted to be away from those girls. I had nothing to do with them after that, even though I saw them occasionally.

It was a lonely time as my faith wasn’t strong and I had stopped going to mass.

I met a guy who became my boyfriend. The timing of that relationship was perfect as he was good to me. He was kind and caring and loved me.

I was aware that I was having problems in relationships but I had no idea what that meant and the impact it would have on my life.

My sister lived in the U.K. too. She’s four years older than me, but she would never talk about things in any deep way, so I didn’t find her of much help, although she did try to understand but she wasn’t able.

This was the landscape for my relationships to come. One where I was unsure of what to do and what I wanted, and did it even matter?

I had grown up in a family where my needs didn’t matter. That was my normal. So, with that programming, I was set up for failure.

Many years later, after endless hit-and-miss relationships, I was back feeling depressed again.

Sometimes, I’d have a good friendship and enjoy it a lot. These friendships helped me to grow and build more confidence in myself and also to learn how relationships could be.

Being heard, valued, and appreciated was not something I received in my home. I was just there to serve my family, so naturally, it wasn’t much fun for me.

I always went outside the family for love and affection. My mum was good, but she was distracted most of the time, so I knew it was better not to live at home.

With a mix of good and bad relationships, I started to see the different ways people functioned.

I always had a good job as a nurse where I was surrounded by professional people. Within that system, I found emotional safety — well, most of the time.

Dating wasn’t always fun for me. Some guys were very nice, but by my 30s I was tired of the dysfunction in me and how it was causing me pain.

I withdrew from dating and decided to seek God, look for healing, and separate myself from toxic people.

At the time, I knew a lot of people, but it wasn't what I needed or wanted.

I wanted intimacy. I just wanted closeness and felt completely turned off by superficiality. I wanted peace, love, and purpose. I couldn’t bear shallow people any longer.

I made some “spiritual friends”, as I used to call them. We were all new on the journey of faith. I met them at a mass for young adults.

Another friend I met when studying Theology and Spirituality. We would meet and talk about Jesus and how we wanted to follow Him.

These relationships were better. I was making progress, but still, we went our separate ways. Sometimes it was me, I wanted to move on, and other times the friendships fizzled out quite naturally.

I was growing more mature and God was leading me. Later, I formed new friendships, some good and some short-lived.

I had definitely got better at discerning who was good for me and who was using me.

The feeling of being used or manipulated is so icky. Have you experienced this? When you just know something is off.

It feels horrible.

Ugggh!!! I have grown to HATE it!

By the time I hit forty-five, I was done with all fakeness. It was time to start speaking my truth, despite the repercussions.

Like Jenny Alexander shared in her article, My Biggest Relationship Mistake: A look at the woman in the mirror, I too had played my part in allowing others to not treat me right.

So, feeling strong in my faith, and armed with prayer, I decided it was time to live the life I was meant to live. I would only keep healthy relationships.

When I discovered so-called friends were being mean, critical, manipulative, and did not have my best interests at heart, I would tell them, and if they were not willing to work with me in creating a healthy, loving relationship, I would walk away.

Sadly, this meant almost all of my relationships disintegrated.

I did not have a relationship of love with most of the people in my life. They were not capable of it, or they didn’t want to make the effort.

Either way, it was not working for me and I needed change.

I had to let go of most of the people as they didn’t like me having needs or wants. But, I didn’t look back.

And you know what? — I didn’t miss them.

There are still a few people who are trying to make sense of this new Orla. I respect them and trust that if they do actually love me, God will lead them back. But, I’m not waiting around.

I am more aware now.

I know I am loved and I know how I want to be treated.

God’s love sustains me.

I value myself and I desire to love others in the same way that I love myself.

The old Orla with codependent traits would love others first, but that does not work as we cannot love others until we first love ourselves.

When we know we are loved by God, we can love ourselves and others properly.

We love because He first loved us

— 1 John 4:19

Thank you, Jenny, for inspiring me to write about my journey.