Healing & Recovery

How Developing My Own Interests Helped Me to Overcome Co-Dependency

Co-dependents focus on others, so the cure is to focus on ourselves, but this is not easy for someone who got their self-worth from being liked by others

Co-dependents don’t know who they are.

It’s a problem with their core identity.

Because they have not formed a strong identity, usually due to childhood issues, they tend to find their self-worth in others.

They need validation and acceptance to feel worthy.

They have a need to be needed.

Co-dependents will do anything for someone who gives them the validation they so desperately seek.

They would go to the ends of the earth for the people they “love.”

I put love in inverted commas as it is not real love. It is Love Addiction. There’s a big difference.

I never had full-blown co-dependency, and the reason I know that is because deep down I knew what I was doing wasn’t healthy.

It didn’t feel like love. I had an identity, but it was fragile. I was afraid to express my true self for fear of being rejected.

But, some people lose their identity completely and because they feel so lost and unworthy, the only way to survive is to cling to others.

Their world revolves around the people they admire. They even let go of healthy relationships as that would require them to show up as themselves.

Living co-dependently is a painful way to live as there’s no freedom in it. I had to learn a whole new way of behaving in order to find harmony in my life.

What is co-dependency?

“Co-dependency is a learned behavior that can be passed down from one generation to another. It is an emotional and behavioral condition that affects an individual’s ability to have healthy, mutually satisfying relationships.

It is also known as “relationship addiction” because people with codependency often form or maintain relationships that are one-sided, emotionally destructive, and/or abusive.”

— (Mental Health America)

How I changed

It wasn’t until I gained independence that I was able to look at myself closer.

Being dependent on others for money or anything else is never a good thing as it means you can’t choose freely how to live.

You will be manipulated and used by selfish people. They see your weakness and take advantage of it.

The relationship is unbalanced and you (the co-dependent) give up your power over and over again. Instead, you should be interdependent.

The problem lies in the fact that you do not know yourself.

You don’t know what you need. This was the case for me. I didn’t know my needs but I knew everyone else's.

I was trained to give to others, but not to receive. This is the painful part of the disease of co-dependency. We become slaves to others.

It is good to serve others. I’m not against that. I enjoy it, but when it comes to the point of you giving all of the time and not receiving anything back in return, your life loses meaning and joy.

I started to work on myself in my late twenties. I had to, as I had become depressed and I didn’t know why.

It took me years to see that it was co-dependency as it wasn’t talked about in any of the self-help books or workshops I attended.

But, I found other ways to nurture my core self and heal. I asked doctors and counselors what was wrong with me, but they had no answer.

I had depression at this time and I felt my relationships were one-sided.

I was doing all the work in some of them, and in other ones, I was being dominated by narcissists.

It was a very confusing time, but I believe it was God’s way of uncovering the problem for me to see.

One day, a lady from church asked me had I ever been to a 12-step meeting? I said, “No. I am not an alcoholic.” But, she mentioned Al-Anon. I had heard of it but I didn't think it could help me.

Anyway, she was kind and could see my struggle and persisted until I finally went along to a meeting with her. The meeting was very nice. It felt safe and comfortable and I felt heard, and understood.

I wondered how they could understand my problem when many others couldn’t. So, I went to more meetings and listened and shared more.

After one meeting, I was sharing with a woman about a difficult relationship I was entangled in. She said, “maybe you are co-dependent.”

I was surprised as my image of co-dependents was one of an enmeshed couple, and I knew a few of them!

I said, “No I am very independent. How could I be co-dependent?” She explained, and then I read more about it and noticed that I did have a lot of the traits.

I later worked out that being single and independent does not mean you are not co-dependent. The co-dependency can be making it difficult for you to have healthy relationships.

Part of the recovery process is to get to know yourself and that means asking yourself regularly:

• What do I think?
• What do I need?
• What do I want?

In this way, you slowly take the focus off others and start to focus on yourself.

I had interests, but I hadn’t developed them.

So, I set off on a journey of self-discovery and found the person I wanted to be. I had an image of who I wanted to become, but without taking action, it would never have happened.

Final thoughts —

Today, I do not have narcissistic friends and if I know other narcissists I put firm boundaries in place.

I enjoy relationships where I am valued for who I am and there is a good balance of giving and taking.

If I feel the relationship is not fulfilling, I let it go. I can be alone now and it’s okay. I always have a community I belong to and I have a few trusted friends.

When I meet new people, I tread carefully until I know they are healthy, if not, I let them move on.

The good part of all this is that when you give time to your interest, talents, and gifts, life can be deeply satisfying and rewarding.

Without toxic relationships, my life is much more enjoyable and peaceful.

I choose to keep the focus on myself.

Thank you for reading!

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