What I’ve Learned About Serial Cheaters
The carnage of an affair can last a lifetime.
I’ve written about my one-time experience in an affair with someone who was married.
That article unleashed an outpouring of anger, personal confessions, and debate about who is ultimately to blame for an affair.
Before my experience sleeping with a married man, I was the type to utterly condemn people who had affairs. I had zero sympathy for “people like that.”
And then — it happened to me.
Long story short — the affair was full of heartbreak, chaos, and abuse. You’re welcome to read about it here.
Ultimately, I was 100% responsible for my actions and I’ve come out of the experience with some new wisdom regarding married men who not only cheat — but are serial cheaters.
It’s not always about an evil vixen who only has intentions of stealing another woman’s man. Oftentimes, it’s a sensible, functional woman who slips and falls for a person who is incredibly experienced in manipulation and deception.
There are subtle, insidious ways in which a married man who cheats regularly can seduce a smart woman who never intended to be with a married man.
In the beginning, these guys are often friendly, charming, and come off as non-threatening.
They might start out making idle conversation and some of them will openly discuss their wives and family seemingly with the pride of a happily married man. Generally, whether you’re a single woman or a woman in a relationship, you won’t think too much of this kind of casual chit-chat.
Quite often, this kind of interaction happens in the workplace (which is where it happened with me) but it can also happen in other settings.
Typically, most married men who are serial cheaters begin to groom their intended target by showering them with compliments, acting as a shoulder to lean on, or even going so far as to bring them gifts. Eventually, they’ll find a way to get your phone number, stalk you online, or find some other means to communicate with you regularly.
Most of the time, it’s not important to this kind of guy if the woman is married, in a relationship, or single. There are, however, married men who are looking to aggressively control just one woman as their mistress and will choose a single woman so they can isolate her more easily from family and friends.
The character I became involved with was a serial cheater. I was single and recovering from my divorce at the time. I didn’t learn about his many dalliances until we talked more. He was very open about it after several conversations. I would even go so far as to say he normalized his behavior as if it was what everyone did.
The main kicker is when this type of man begins to confide in you about how miserable they are in their marriage. They’ll start to gripe about their spouse in such a way that leads you to believe they are headed for a separation or divorce. They may also complain about their sex life — or lack of it — in most cases.
Many men will express a decline in attraction to their spouse, insinuating they’re deprived sexually in some way.
One of the most common tactics a married man who cheats will use is to lie about their current living situation. The most common lie is that they’re sleeping in separate beds or on the couch because they need to stay home for some reason. Usually, it’s, “for the kids.”
They may also go as far as to say divorce papers are close to being signed (as in my case). Most of the time, this is not the case, and usually, they are still sleeping in the same bed with their spouse and are sexually active with them.
Unfortunately, for a lot of women, once they have sex with someone — even if it’s with someone who’s married — they may start falling in love and believe pretty much any lie they’re told. Believe me — I know.
The person I became involved with was a controlling, jealous, manipulative cheater. Though he had engaged in multiple affairs, he didn’t want me to see anyone else outside of our relationship. It sounds insane, but so many women find themselves in this trap.
Finding yourself in a seriously complicated and stressful relationship with no easy way to extract yourself is not a healthy place to be. Affairs can flip from passion to anxiety very quickly. It’s rarely worth it.
The carnage of an affair can last a lifetime. For the most part, married men who are regular cheaters never have intentions to leave their wives. Essentially they want it all — at everyone else’s expense.
I can’t change what happened in my past but hopefully what I’ve learned from my personal experiences can help someone who’s in this kind of situation right now.
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