OVERCOMING FEAR
What Have You Missed by Worrying About Being Humiliated?
Speeches, teach, karaoke, travel? At age 30, I never dreamed I would be brave enough to do any of these. I would have said, “You are nuts!”
Synopsis
Did fear stop you from asking that girl for a date? Did you stay home from the prom because your dress was not good enough? Did you fail to send the resume for fear of rejection?
You can probably come up with dozens of similar instances where fears stopped you. Not fear of physical injury, but of hurt feelings or embarrassment. Where the worst thing that can happen is someone says “No” or laughs at you.
Finally, I asked myself, “Why should I even care?”
Imaginary fears
Most people go through high school and college with all kinds of dreams. Then they graduate, and reality hits. By age 30, they are pretty sure what their life is going to be like.
Unless they are a true adventurer, most won’t do many really new things, frequently fearing how others will react. I felt the same way.
Boy was I wrong! Here are my unexpected adventures.
It all started when I quit my filler job managing a mobile home park at age 33 and went back into computer programming. That, in itself, was not the direct cause, but it moved me out of a rut.
Talk in front of people
Nothing terrorized me more in college than reading my paper in front of the class. Papers would shake as I handled them. I was ok in meetings, but not in front of a general audience. It was something to be avoided.
Around 1982, I volunteered to:
- Monitor a computer concepts video class to a mix of secretaries, engineers, and managers
All I had to do was show the video and answer questions. The first day I said, “Please fill out these forms.” Those papers rattled as they shook.
The videotapes were far too technical. At the end of the 2nd class, I told everybody to come back next week. We would do something else, but we weren’t going to watch any more tapes.
I wrote and presented a 2-hour class and was comfortable by the end of the second hour. I wrote and presented 7 more sessions.
It turned out to be fun! That class was so popular that we did it many more times.
A couple of spinoffs from that class were:
- I was elected president of a local professional computer group
- I gave a speech at a national convention in Orlando, FL. I presented the entrance fee and travel cost to my boss. They were about the same. When he complained, I offered to cover the entrance fee if he covered the travel. All I had to do was give an hour-and-a-half speech, with the company’s permission.
I had never attended a computer convention. It came out well. I learned a tip that I applied the first day I was back. That one technique made the entire trip worthwhile.
First on the dance floor
I never went dancing in high school or college, partly due to opportunity, fear and lack of available time. My new wife ridiculed me the one time we tried right after graduation.
I never tried again, until age 40 at the Orlando convention. The evening after my speech, I asked one of the attendees to dance. She smiled like it was the most wonderful part of the day.
It was fast rock, so we were not connected. I used the Bugs Bunny method and copied what she did. She thought I did great. I thought I would die from exhaustion. I went dancing every night until the convention was over.
I wanted to continue when I got back home, but my Ex still had the same attitude.
Now, my new wife of 21 years and I are frequently the first on the dance floor. We go dancing almost every day. That is the main reason we chose to retire in The Villages — free concerts on the town squares every day with a large dance area.
We even have our own followers who like to watch us dance.
What a transition from terror when asking someone to dance to being the first on the floor.
Things are rarely as bad as the scene projected in your mind, and many times much better.
Manliness stereotype
Trying to follow the manliness stereotype - knows how to do everything mechanical, self-sufficient & never needing help, and certainly not doing anything identified as women’s work or girly activities.
When growing up, sewing was women’s work, although my mother taught me how to replace a button on my shirt.
About 25 years ago when I was single, I decided to add drapes throughout the house. I bought a book, a new sewing machine from a local store that included 1 hour of instruction, and fabric. After learning to sew a straight line on placemats, me and the cat made all kinds of drapes. I estimate that I saved over $8,000 making my own drapes.
Then there are girly romance novels. I would walk by the harlequin romance section and wonder how anybody could read them. From high school to about 6 years ago, I read science fiction books. Then, at age 67, I read “Starstruck,” a teenage, sci-fi, romance novel by the romance novelist Brenda Hiatt.
I was hooked! I read all 19 of her romance novels and have read romance novels since then. I don’t care if they are manly or not.
These are just two examples of being driven by a stereotype.
Other examples of self-conscious foolishness
The really big steps were talking in front of people and getting out on the dance floor. The changes took years, decades, but overcoming inhibitions has become much easier over the last 20 years.
- Relocation. I was miserable for 40 years with persistent sinus problems, especially in cold weather. So, I went to my manager and said, “Anne, I want to move south where it is warm. Find me a place.” They had a position in Houston, Tx. I finally put my health above the feelings of relatives who wanted me to stay put.
- Sing in public. Ridiculous. Of course, it would have been with a choir that would have required tryouts. I heard of karaoke in New York and Chicago, but had never seen it. Then we retired to The Villages, FL, where it is popular. A few weeks ago, I said to one singer, “So, you started karaoke at age 13? I started at age 72.” It is never too late to try something new.
- Allergy tests. I heard the tests involved dozens of shots, so I never followed up. A few years ago, my wife badgered me to get tested. After the tests and a series of allergy shots, my sinus problems declined more than 98%. Now, I have problems a couple of weeks in the spring and fall when the weather changes instead of every day.
- Foreign travel. I wasn’t afraid, but never had any interest. My new wife did. I had to get a passport. Since then, we’ve gone to Cancun, Mexico, Lima, Peru, and a couple of European Viking cruises. We had planned more trips when COVID hit. Maybe later.
- Computer dating. They did something like that in 1965, matching answers with computer cards at my college. With the internet, it is normal today. I met my wife on Match.com. I applied to NASA when in college, but was rejected. I never dreamed I’d marry someone who actually worked for NASA.
- November 2021. We have 31 beautiful lemons on our tree. We only use about 1/4 lemon per week on fish and shrimp. Most will rot. We don’t drink cold lemonade. I have been drinking hot tea with the cool weather change to help my sinuses. I wondered what a similar hot lemon drink would be like. It sounded silly and my wife might laugh, but it cost nothing to try it. Surprise! The hot lemon drink is great. My wife tried it with the same misgivings, but also thought it was much better than expected. None of those lemons are going to rot on the tree.
As seen with the lemons, unreasonable apprehensions can occur with nearly every action. There is usually no reason to let them stop you.
Conclusion
To quote Joseph Kayne, “Self-judgements may be the most destructive of all” from his book Imagine It!: Rediscovering Your Creative Inner-Child
My life would have been much less interesting and fun if I had stayed in the same rut. Each time I pushed myself to do one thing, the next one became easier.
All you need to do is start.
References
- Supports this article perfectly
- A wonderful example of the “manly” stereotype
- Dr Damon Ashworth. Point #12. “WE REGRET THE THINGS WE DON’T DO MORE THAN THE THINGS WE DO”
- We will probably buy lemons when the tree runs out
- My daily highlight is dancing with my wife
- Don’t let someone else’s definition stop you
- You can be on the dance floor, Feel really stupid, Have lots of fun, or
- Sit and watch the dance floor, BE really stupid, Have much less fun.
- How to avoid self-judgements & regain your creative self
- Catalyst for reading over 100 unmanly romance novels. Believable sci-fi story.
