What Happens When Your Idol Disappoints You?

Realizing everyone is human and on their own learning path

A while back, I wrote a story on Medium about Serbia’s racist taunt during a volleyball match and also crafted up a less sassy opinion piece for publication in the Thai Enquirer.

I was glad to have another platform to spread the importance of accountability on social justice issues — that Serbia’s racist gesture was not okay and they needed to be held accountable. The publication shared the piece on their Instagram account where it received lots of comments and attention from their followers.

Receiving an idol’s disagreeing comment

I was on a call with my friend who was scrolling through the comments about my article when she stopped mid-conversation to scream oh my god, guess who commented on your article?!?

Who??? I asked Maria! she exclaimed.

Alright, some back story. Maria Poonlertlarp won the Miss Universe Thailand pageant in 2017. Now a public figure, she advocates for women and the environment. Although I’ve never met her, we went to the same high school, so that school pride runs strong. She was someone I admired, followed, and looked up to for a long time, so receiving a comment from her was like receiving recognition from an idol.

That is, until we read her comment:

How I see it… Slanted eyes are cool and that’s what they’re trying to represent. #AsianPride

Amidst the excitement of her comment, we were puzzled. What was she trying to say? Is she saying that Serbia’s racist gesture is okay? Was this sarcasm? Could she, The Maria, really think that? Could she be this ignorant?

And after seeing replies from others to her comment, we realized it wasn’t a joke.

@marialynnehren oh no that’s definitely not the intention, in america that is a form or mockery and racism, and it’s not okay. they knew what they were doing bc this is not their first time doing something like this. they are not trying to represent asian pride at all

@marialynnehren not at all. It’s a racist gesture. A mockery. […] This is only a start of more severe racism against Asians. There are many things that you can be positive, but this sure isn’t one of them.

Learning to not conflate others’ opinions with self-worth

After a couple of minutes of thinking, analyzing, and letting it sink in, the initial excitement was replaced with disappointment. To put this into perspective, think about your idol, someone you admire, whoever that is, disagreeing on an idea that you firmly hold and believe in.

It might be like the disappointment of Kamala Harris telling Guatemalan asylum seekers not to come to the US after you so fervently believed she was a champion for inclusivity and diversity. Or it could even be a friend who doesn’t believe in LGBT issues.

It was tolerable to get disagreeing and mean comments on Medium, but it was so difficult not to take Maria’s comment as a personal attack. I was conflating her comment with self-validation and my self-worth. And it stings more when you idolize someone.

But the truth of the matter is, she doesn’t even know me or who I am. It’s crazy how someone who doesn’t even know me could cause me to second guess myself and what I stand for.

This wasn’t the first time I had attached self-worth to a cause or idea I care about. I remember when a friend said they didn’t believe feminism was a big issue and felt so personally offended. I had to slowly unravel the comment from my self-worth.

At the end of the day, Maria disagreed with an idea — the idea that Serbia’s racist gesture was okay — but it just so happened that I was the one who wrote that idea.

Reaching out with the goal of learning more

When someone you admire (or anyone in general) disagrees with an idea you hold and disappoints you, it’s hard to let emotions take over and prevent you from learning.

So only after reaching a place where I wasn’t equating her comment to my self-worth, I decided to reach out to her. To try to extend grace and understanding to the situation. After all, we’re all on our own learning paths and journeys, so I wanted to understand her perspective and where she was coming from.

I slid into her DMs.

Hi Maria! I saw your IG comment on my piece on TE’s about Serbia’s racist gesture and wanted to reach out to learn more about your perspective. I’ve been following you for a long time and really respect and admire your work, so it’d mean a lot to hear where you’re coming from, since I’m always looking to grow and learn. Even though I don’t know you, everyone in our school network has only positive things to say about you, so I’d love to hear your side and learn from you! Would you be open to elaborating more on your comment?

We’re all on our own journeys of growth

Spoiler alert, Maria never responded. But the act of reaching out in the spirit of learning was healing and a growth point for me.

From this experience, I have two things to share with you: 1) Seeking validation makes us interdependent, which becomes a problem when you don’t get it. But the reality is, you only need validation from yourself and no one can invalidate you, not even an idol.

And 2) Everyone is on their own respective journey of growth. I was shattered when I read Maria’s comment and was quick to dismiss her entirely. But we are all on our learning paths. And on our paths, we should treat each other with grace and respect. With the space to make mistakes and learn, we can all grow in the ways we need.

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