What Emotional Freedom From a Narcissist Looks Like.

And how the process of healing is worth the result.

There is a point for any victim of narcissistic abuse — after escaping the relationship but before finding any relief from the pain — where hopelessness sets in and the voices in your head become louder and louder to the point where you’re wider awake at 2 a.m. than at any time during daylight hours.

That point when it feels like you’ll never be free of what happened to you. That you’ll never “get over” the one who hurt you. And that you’ll never find love again.

Since narcissists do what is often called the “grand mindfuck” on their victims, which includes a combination of gaslighting, love-bombing, hoovering, triangulating, and a boatload of lying and cheating that makes the Devil seem like not such a bad guy, after all, leaving a narcissist behind can feel like getting out of solitary confinement and the insane asylum on the same day.

The healing process, therefore, is equally fraught with heartache and suffering and can take years, especially if someone is traveling that road all alone (we tend to lose people as we make our way from the darkness to the light, which is as it should be but still not easy, plus trying to find professional help for what we’ve been through is a daunting task that can often retraumatize us). It’s a road filled with dead ends, wrong-way streets, with fog so thick sometimes you can’t see two feet in front of you.

Every step is filled with doubt and trepidation, every move taken at a snail’s pace as the temptation to go back sits on your shoulder and whispers in your ear. Recovering after a narcissist is like climbing a steep cliff for someone who’s never hiked before. The boulders to get over are large and slippery, the path unstable, and the mountain’s peak — where the light is and where you know you want to be — hides behind heavy clouds on those days when the crazy-maker that is gaslighting still takes up residence in your head and makes you question which way is even up anymore.

It makes sense, then, that so many victims of narcissistic abuse end up going back, or into the arms of a similar relationship with another narcissist, after falling off that mountain of healing one too many times.

It’s often been said (and I’ll attest to this myself) that the healing process after a narcissist is often worse than the relationship itself. This is due to the reprogramming we have to do, the reconditioning of our minds and bodies and hearts to function in an entirely different way, and the overwhelming task of learning to love ourselves again after being dehumanized to the point where we no longer recognize who the person is in the mirror.

But with all that pain we must endure, with all the lies and illusions we must sort through, with all the self-reflection and honesty required when looking back on our experience (which I can promise will be the least fun you’ve ever had), the moment when you do reach the top of that mountain, when you step into the light and feel the sun on your face for the first time, when the breath you take is no longer heavy and your lungs expand in size, that is the moment when everything you’ve been through will prove its worth. That is the moment you will realize you’ve finally made it.

You’ve made it to the place of emotional freedom.

Here’s what that looked like for me:

That moment when I realize I don’t have to go home to the darkness anymore. I don’t have to walk on eggshells, play detective, endure the silent treatment, be lied to, have sex when I don’t want to, feel scared and sick when he comes home, cry myself to sleep, feel my skin crawl whenever he touched me, be criticized for what I wear, what I buy, what I do.

I used to spend my time thinking, How will I make it through today? What is he lying about now? What mood will he be in when he gets home? How can I make my stomachache stop? Why do I feel like I’m having a heart attack? What if I’m crazy like he says? How do I make the pain go away? What if this is as good as it’s ever going to get? What if this is exactly what I deserve?

I’ve been lied to, lied about, cheated on, taken advantage of, manipulated, gaslighted, bullied, harassed, ignored, insulted, humiliated, choked, stalked, and cyberstalked. And all by the man I loved and trusted more than anyone else in the world.

This is why emotional freedom feels so sweet.

Because of what happened to me, because I powered through the healing process no matter how difficult it got, I’ve been strengthened, filled with hope, had my heart broken open and in that space learned what real love looks and feels like. I remembered how to laugh again and how joy feels. I now know my worth, how to establish and protect my boundaries, while facing my fears head-on.

I’ve learned what strength really is, and how those who seek to control others are the real weak ones. I’ve been to hell and back and yet still came out shining as bright as the sun. I’ve been tested and rose to the occasion each time. I know who I am, what I deserve, and what matters in the larger scheme of things.

I can spot a narcissist coming from a mile away and I am a master at calling out bullshit when I see it. I’ve recovered and healed from my past, and my open wounds have scarred over which enables me to now share my story and pay it forward to those still drowning in the darkness.

My “mess” has become my message. I am a servant of love and hope for those who have neither.

This is who I am. Who I used to be. And who I am becoming. I am not what happened to me but instead the sum of all that is beautiful within me that survived.

This is what emotional freedom looks like.

To have reached the top of a climb that I thought might kill me but now looking back I can see clearly how it was actually bringing me back to life. To no longer be burdened with questions about my self-worth and my place in the world. For today as I live and breathe, everything can always be summed up in one beautiful answer:

Yes, Suzanna, you are totally and finally free…

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