What Does Narcissistic Abuse Look Like?

[*Note to reader: change pronouns if necessary, since both men and women can be Narcissists]

The term Narcissist is all the rage lately and it seems like everyone can be called one at this point. But don’t get caught up in the myths and hype surrounding this term or believe that it’s a simple case of staring at yourself lovingly in the mirror or taking too many selfies.

Narcissistic abuse, while not physically visible, is capable of causing intense damage and trauma while leaving what can be lifelong scars on the hearts and souls of its victims.

A Narcissist will drain you emotionally, financially, or both. One moment you’ll be swinging from the heavens from his adoration and love and the next you’ll be looking up from the depths of Hell wondering what happened.

You’ll be showered in love and affection until you’re smothered by such cruelty that will ask you to give him everything while demanding you to expect nothing in return.

Narcissistic abuse is a dark and confusing tunnel where victims might spend years not realizing what is happening, unaware that their abuser has purposely created a world to isolate, demoralize, and dehumanize their victims to better feed and supply their disorder.

The talent of a Narcissist is how they hook their target. It doesn’t matter how strong or intelligent you are, only that you’re an empathetic and loving soul who trusts in the inherent goodness of people and who believes in love. A Narcissist’s seduction is that he knows this about you, and he knows how smart and strong and passionate and beautiful you are, which is why he picked you in the first place.

Of course, they’re not going to show you who they really are at the beginning of the relationship or you wouldn’t give them a second date. Narcissists are master manipulators and will win you over in the beginning by love-bombing the hell out of you, grooming you, hoovering, normalizing their behavior, and gaslighting you so that you’ll allow their abuse to continue.

If you are or have been a victim of narcissistic abuse, there is a language surrounding it that will empower you to see it for what it is, understand it, and use it as a tool to help you recover and heal from it. Also, as I learned from my own experience, it will arm you with the knowledge needed so that in the future you’ll be able to spot a Narcissist coming from a mile away. Because life’s too short to spend even one more minute in the presence of one.

Let’s start with the basics:

A Narcissist has a distorted self-image, unstable and intense emotions, is overly preoccupied with vanity, prestige, and power, lacks empathy, and has an exaggerated sense of superiority.

Love-Bombing:

A manipulation tactic involving lavish demonstrations and constant bombardments of attention and affection in an attempt to gain control by moving the relationship forward quickly.

This is the “trap” set up by a Narcissist. They know full well that their mask is going to fall off eventually, so they purposely brainwash you into believing they’re wonderful by the time that it does.

Grooming:

A calculated tactic by a Narcissist of maneuvering a person into a more dependent and isolated position by claiming a “special connection” where a victim is more vulnerable to accepting future abusive behavior.

Like a predator on the hunt, a Narcissist will train you to be his, to fall for him, to love him, to accept him, to the point where you love him more than you love yourself.

Gaslighting:

A form of mental abuse that includes brainwashing or convincing a mentally healthy individual that their understanding of reality is false and makes victims doubt their own memory, perception, and sanity. The term is from the 1944 movie Gaslight in which the villain uses this technique.

This is the reason victims end up feeling like they’re living in a fog and no longer recognize the person staring back at them in the mirror. This is also why the recovery and healing process is so difficult in the beginning: we are convinced that we’re the crazy one, not understanding that we’ve been conditioned by someone we loved and trusted to feel this way about ourselves.

Hoovering:

Named after the Hoover vacuum, it’s a tactic used to “suck back in” the victim by exhibiting improved or desirable behavior.

This tactic goes hand in hand with “bait-and-switch.” A Narcissist knows if they’ve pushed you too far and risk losing you, so they revert back to the love-bomber you knew from the beginning of the relationship and then once they’ve reeled you back in, they’ll revert to being cold and cruel again.

When it comes to Narcissistic abuse, the more you know, the better prepared you’ll be to either heal after a relationship with one or avoid getting involved with one in the future (or both). As I tell all the women I coach, along with having made it to the other side of surviving abuse at the hands of a Narcissist myself, the way that you’re going to thrive is through your own empowerment, education, and enlightenment. The Narcissist already recognized the exquisite being you are — that’s why you were targeted. Now it’s time to get back to believing it yourself.

And it’s time to remind yourself of how much love you have, what that looks like, and how no one in the world is more deserving of that love than yourself.

Because the truth is, real love does not abuse.

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Want to get expert help, tips, and strategies on recovering and healing after narcissistic abuse? Then join the thousands who have signed up for what’s basically free coaching in your inbox and receive your Real Love Does Not Abuse poster to remind you of what you truly deserve in a relationship. Plus I’ll tell you how to snag a free copy of my bestselling book, “You’re Still That Girl: Get Over Your Abusive Ex for Good!” www.suzannaquintana.com