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Abstract

s in response to the lack of love and attention we became accustomed to receiving at the beginning of our relationship with a narcissist (the love-bombing stage) and which we later only receive in sporadic amounts.</p><p id="ccf2">Essentially, we were promised a feast and yet find ourselves begging for scraps as time goes on.</p><p id="4d46">Before long, we feel like a trapped animal who doesn’t know it’s trapped and is happy with the smallest amount of breadcrumbs <i>because it’s starving</i>.</p><p id="138d">The plot twist?</p><p id="c9be">We see the one offering us those crumbs as our savior, the one who really cares about us, not knowing that our minds have been muddled with desperation. At that moment, it’s nearly impossible to see how we’ve been trained to lower our expectations to such a level that we are actually satisfied with those crumbs.</p><h2 id="83c3">A narcissist is a master of normalizing a victim to their own abuse.</h2><p id="9051">In essence, we become blinded by our own desperate need to get attention, love, and respect from the one that we love to the point where we can’t see the truth right in front of us. We can’t feel the chain around our neck as we’re so focused on that meager offering of breadcrumbs that are designed to keep us in place, keep us under control, and keep us begging for more.</p><p id="6cf6">This tactic of normalizing by a narcissist convinces us to forgive them again and again. Give them another shot. Believe them when they say they’re sorry and they’ll never hurt us like that again.</p><p id="cde9">We then start normalizing the narcissist’s behavior and downplay their actions, no longer seeing clearly or having the perspective to accurately assess the situation. We make excuses. We put up with behavior that had once seemed abnormal or unthinkable.</p><p i

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d="f909">Our ability to stand up for ourselves plummets along with our self-worth and self-respect. Inevitably, we blame ourselves for our situation, while also enduring the judgment of outsiders who cannot understand how we put up with what we do.</p><p id="08ae">This is why understanding the normalizing of our own abuse is so crucial to successful healing and recovery after a relationship with a narcissist.</p><p id="3479">Otherwise, we are doomed to move forward into a similar relationship due to these lower standards of how we think we should be treated by another person (this goes for friendships and family relations as well).</p><p id="0de6">So take your power back by normalizing <i>how valuable you are </i>instead. And make a promise to yourself that you’re done accepting breadcrumbs from anyone.</p><p id="74cb"><b>Because you deserve a feast.</b></p><p id="55dc">Want to get expert help, tips, and strategies on recovering and healing after narcissistic abuse? Then join the thousands who have signed up for what’s basically <i>free coaching in your inbox</i> and receive your <b>Real Love Does Not Abuse</b> poster to remind you of what you truly deserve in a relationship.</p><div id="6cb1" class="link-block"> <a href="https://www.suzannaquintana.com/"> <div> <div> <h2>Suzanna Quintana</h2> <div><h3>Chances are that you found my website due to some degree of pain and suffering you're enduring because of a current…</h3></div> <div><p>www.suzannaquintana.com</p></div> </div> <div> <div style="background-image: url(https://miro.readmedium.com/v2/resize:fit:320/0*Tm1xQzihQkuZ7-ei)"></div> </div> </div> </a> </div></article></body>

How We Normalize Our Own Abuse

It sounds counterintuitive, doesn’t it? Why on earth would we fail to recognize when someone we love is treating us badly? Why would we normalize our own abuse?

Narcissists, that’s why.

Anyone who has been in love with a narcissist and made it to the other side (like yours truly) knows very well how the process works. Where once we were strong and capable, after a certain amount of time we become watered-down versions of ourselves and no longer recognize the face staring back in the mirror. Our sense of reality becomes skewed to favor our abuser while the voices in our head that we believe to be ours (but are not) betray us at every turn.

All the people I’ve coached over the years experience the same “waking up” to the realization that they’d unconsciously lowered all of their standards in response to being repeatedly hurt by a narcissist.

This is due to the manipulation tactics a narcissist employs to keep a victim under control by continued use of demoralization, gaslighting, and a nasty head game called bait-and-switch in which they lure you in with love-bombing before resorting back to being cold and cruel.

Over time, a pattern is established that involves a gradual lowering of our boundaries and expectations in response to the lack of love and attention we became accustomed to receiving at the beginning of our relationship with a narcissist (the love-bombing stage) and which we later only receive in sporadic amounts.

Essentially, we were promised a feast and yet find ourselves begging for scraps as time goes on.

Before long, we feel like a trapped animal who doesn’t know it’s trapped and is happy with the smallest amount of breadcrumbs because it’s starving.

The plot twist?

We see the one offering us those crumbs as our savior, the one who really cares about us, not knowing that our minds have been muddled with desperation. At that moment, it’s nearly impossible to see how we’ve been trained to lower our expectations to such a level that we are actually satisfied with those crumbs.

A narcissist is a master of normalizing a victim to their own abuse.

In essence, we become blinded by our own desperate need to get attention, love, and respect from the one that we love to the point where we can’t see the truth right in front of us. We can’t feel the chain around our neck as we’re so focused on that meager offering of breadcrumbs that are designed to keep us in place, keep us under control, and keep us begging for more.

This tactic of normalizing by a narcissist convinces us to forgive them again and again. Give them another shot. Believe them when they say they’re sorry and they’ll never hurt us like that again.

We then start normalizing the narcissist’s behavior and downplay their actions, no longer seeing clearly or having the perspective to accurately assess the situation. We make excuses. We put up with behavior that had once seemed abnormal or unthinkable.

Our ability to stand up for ourselves plummets along with our self-worth and self-respect. Inevitably, we blame ourselves for our situation, while also enduring the judgment of outsiders who cannot understand how we put up with what we do.

This is why understanding the normalizing of our own abuse is so crucial to successful healing and recovery after a relationship with a narcissist.

Otherwise, we are doomed to move forward into a similar relationship due to these lower standards of how we think we should be treated by another person (this goes for friendships and family relations as well).

So take your power back by normalizing how valuable you are instead. And make a promise to yourself that you’re done accepting breadcrumbs from anyone.

Because you deserve a feast.

Want to get expert help, tips, and strategies on recovering and healing after narcissistic abuse? Then join the thousands who have signed up for what’s basically free coaching in your inbox and receive your Real Love Does Not Abuse poster to remind you of what you truly deserve in a relationship.