REAL HUMOR
What Does Your Grocery List Say About You?
You are what you shop for!
Whenever I go grocery shopping, I try to avoid the checkout lane with the little old lady who’s digging in the bottom of her purse for pennies, or the person with a checkbook in her hand, or the housewife with three screaming kids under the age of six (bless her!). Even so, it’s difficult to avoid forming secret opinions about the contents of other shoppers’ baskets, especially when I see carts of processed foods, bags of candy, TV dinners, sugary sodas, and you name it.
But then, while I’m busy unloading my cart onto the conveyor and judging other shoppers, I realize I too am being judged, both by the person behind me in line and the cashier, according to the items I intend to purchase.
What does your checker know about you?
Pretend you’re working at the checkout of your favorite grocery store. As you look at the items a person is buying, but without looking at the shopper, how would you describe the person buying them?
• What about the elderly lady who comes in for prunes, suntan lotion, and chocolate? Does she always wear a hat and white gloves? • Or the guy who’s got a gallon of protein powder, a pile of 20 protein bars, and a package from the butcher’s department? • What kind of person buys cool whip, strawberries, and baby food?
Here are five shopping lists and the people I believe belong to them.
List 1 Flour Butter Ginger root Eggs Whipping Cream Brown sugar
Person 1 She was an ordinary housewife who loved to garden. She was especially proud to offer delicious dishes prepared from her own produce. In fact, she was a bit of a show-off, some folks thought, although it didn’t stop them from consuming her spicy pumpkin pies. She was an environmentalist, deeply concerned about climate change, but felt there wasn’t much impact she could have on that issue. She did what she could on her own property, buying plastic-free items whenever possible, and recycling or composting everything that came into her well-kept home. She hand-pulled weeds instead of spraying toxic chemicals on them, partly because she abhorred the idea of glyphosate in her food. But most important of all to her were her honeybees and her chickens, and the delicious honey and eggs they produced, toxin-free.
List 2 5 Smart Meals (on sale) Soy milk Apples Oranges Spinach Broccoli Ginger root
Person 2 They said she shouldn’t drive at her age, but she could still make it to the grocery store when there was a big sale. She lived in a tiny house, a granny cabin, situated at the back of the large Berkeley lot where her daughter and son-in-law lived in a tall modern house at the front of the property. Just enough distance separated them, and she felt she could still live an independent life if only her daughter would quit nagging her to stop doing things “at her age.” Harumph, she thought. I’ve been healthy all my life, practiced yoga and meditation, and I’ve been eating right since I left home as a girl, back in the 60s. When does the daughter become the mother, and the mother the dependent child? So annoying! But, all she had to live on was a tiny pension from a lifetime as an elementary school teacher, plus a bit of social security income, and she felt she should feel more grateful to have a free place to live — and close to her grandchildren to boot.
List 3 Potato chips 6-pack IPA Onion dip Block cheese Ground beef Hamburger buns
Person 3 He was thrilled that football season was gearing up again. Six months without helmets smashing together was just too long. The boys would be here soon, and he wanted to be ready. No distractions once the game starts! Stacked high on the little table beside his motorized recliner were printouts of all the games, players, betting odds, pencils, and paper, and his iPad, used to communicate with his remote betting buddies. When football season was in full swing, he had thoughts for nothing else. In the in-between season, all he could think about was when the season was going to start again.
List 4 Avocado Whole wheat bread Kale Free-range eggs
Person 4 She always started her day at Starbucks with a macchiato in her personal insulated go-cup. She was stylish without drama, intelligent without arrogance, a politically attuned Democrat who never talked about politics. She enjoyed clubbing occasionally, but avoided the drug scene and never used anything addictive, but loved her occasional pot brownies when she wanted to chill out by herself. She was the epitome of cool, friendly, and warm, but there was something about her, something deep that no one would ever find. Her only intention was to blend in, make no waves, and keep her secrets.
List 5 Mac&Cheese mix Hamburger helper Pepsi Bag of candy Cigarettes
Person 5 A busy single mom with three little kids under the age of five, she wondered daily how she would ever be able to climb out of the rut she was trapped in — up at the crack of dawn, shower, get dressed, feed the kids, gather their things and cart them off to daycare — ever since her husband left her for a melon-chested porn star. She never smoked in the house, or around the kids, and a cigarette was the perfect mate for her morning coffee outside on the deck and for her evening glass of wine on the front porch. Time to collect the kids, she thought, stubbing out her cig and dragging herself up out of the porch rocker. They’re going to beg me for McDonald’s again, but I’m too broke to take them every night. Mac & cheese for dinner!
Challenge! What have you observed at the grocery store?
Or at Walmart, the hardware store, or your local convenience store? Consider this a writing challenge!
Here’s one example from my buddy Shadowgnosis: Make a list of eight items, say, and from it deduce what the shopper is like. My grocery cart would include a giant block of Manchego sheep milk cheese, cauliflower crust pizza, sauerkraut, grass fed hot dogs, ground bison, macadamia nuts, kalamata olives, and a bottle of red wine. lol.
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