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Abstract

t feel the urge to point out to my Australian cousins that Coronavirus is a RESPIRATORY disease.That’s breathing stuff to you and me, cobber.Toilet paper will not help you, unless you are looking to fashion some sort of rudimentary filtered head scarf system and even then I fear you will be less protected than you feel silly.I appreciate there’s some rare cases of diarrhea in some cases of COVID-19, but the maths doesn’t add up. The chances are contracting it are very low, the chances of developing more than mild symptoms are also low and the chances of a full recovery are very high. By assigning a probability factor to each of these conditions and then multiplying them together using the appropriate mathematical formulas simply gives the answer of:TOO MUCH XXXXING TOILET PAPER.Yet it’s this humble staple that’s the current target of the shopping frenzy. Not food, bottled water, dried goods, survival gear or medicines — there’s plenty of availability there — just toilet paper. So how did we descent so unattractively into such an embarrassing debacle?More than likely, someone bought a lot, was spotted by someone else, who also bought a lot thinking that person must ‘know what they’re doing’, which emptied the shelves, worrying the other shoppers, who bought more ‘just in case’, which then triggered a panic buy in other stores when the original store ran out of the now hallowed product.Add in social media, especially Twitter, and the die is cast. And that’s how that happens.There’s no question that Twitter brings out the worst in people, but it also brings out the the pure genius of many others. In fact, Twitter is the perfect place to show off mankind’s uncanny ability to be both at the same time.And there's possibly no better example than in this case of panic buying toilet paper for an end of world scenario that is unlikely to actually need it, while laughing at the fact we are doing so.So, what does this tell us about Mankind’s actual ability to survive an end of world event?Far more than we’d all like to acknowledge.After millions of years of fight-or-flight reflexes being honed and sharpened over countless generations in readiness for the final showdown, we have universally decided that having a clean bum is actually more important than any of that stuff.I’m not sure where we go from here.But you can be sure we’ll be posting pictures of it on Twitter and coming up with ingenious memes to while away the small, desperate hours as the lights go out.<figure id="582c"><img src="https://cdn-images-1.readmedium.com/v2/resize:fit:800/1*jEWwTPT4r8U0XuqyiXnnAQ.jpeg"><figcaption></figcaption></figure

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By the way, I also wrote a completely sensible article on Coronavirus that includes facts, figures and an assessment of what the dangers we really face actually are. You can read it here:<div id="1f65" class="link-block">

      <a href="https://readmedium.com/coronavirus-is-not-the-real-danger-632a9ddd91ab">

        <div>
          <div>
            <h2>Coronavirus Is Not the Real Danger</h2>
            <div><h3>There’s something else that will ultimately do more damage</h3></div>
            <div><p>medium.com</p></div>
          </div>
          <div>
            <div style="background-image: url(https://miro.readmedium.com/v2/resize:fit:320/1*h4PGL0_pB-8CPOx1YVpRYQ.jpeg)"></div>
          </div>
        </div>
      </a>
    </div><p id="9b48">And there’s not a single mention of toilet paper. Promise.</p><p id="f0f3"><i>If you’re into humor, but not necessarily the end of the world, you might like these also:</i></p><div id="62cc" class="link-block">
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            <h2>The 3 Funniest Cold Call Put-Downs Ever</h2>
            <div><h3>There might even be a lesson about managing your call sheets</h3></div>
            <div><p>medium.com</p></div>
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            <h2>The Teenage Cashier, the Fiver and Me</h2>
            <div><h3>The true story of a silly standoff on a sunny September Saturday</h3></div>
            <div><p>medium.com</p></div>
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      <a href="https://readmedium.com/how-to-fail-in-a-reality-tv-audition-970bae761ac3">
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            <h2>How to fail in a reality TV audition</h2>
            <div><h3>How I managed to get an audition for ‘Blind Date’ … and then blow it.</h3></div>
            <div><p>medium.com</p></div>
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What Does #Toiletpapergate Teach Us About the Human Condition?

Basically, we’re screwed.

I mostly write about finance, economics and Bitcoin, although there’s also the odd humorous or inspirational article in the profile timeline to keep you on your toes. Never, though, have I written an entire article about toilet paper.

Until now.

Upon opening Twitter this morning, I was provided with the usual trending tags and noticed that #toiletpapergate was hogging the number one spot. I’m ashamed to say, perhaps affected by the very antics that this tag was highlighting, that I never even hesitated to click on it.

Instantly, my timeline was filled with images of empty shelves where toilet paper had once proudly stood, video clips of staff frantically restocking said shelves while the aisles were cordoned off, people fighting over the last remaining rolls of paper and, of course, the inevitable chancers who were listing brand new toilet paper rolls for sale on local sites at vastly inflated prices.

Some of them were a joke, some, it seemed, were at least half serious.

This had all unfolded from the other side of the world from me. While my family and I had been in a deep, peaceful sleep in the UK, the struggles down under involving bottom wiping paraphernalia were in full swing.

Getting toilet paper in some parts of Australia right now is nigh on impossible and there are open discussions on Twitter about what the best apocalyptic alternative is. Apparently pages of ‘The Australian’ is a top favorite, for reasons that I suspect are more satirical that practical. Perhaps an actual Australian can point me in the right direction as to why.

Woolies today in South Street, Sydney. Plenty of food though, eh? Photo courtesy of Robyn Thiele via Twitter.

But here’s where it becomes fascinating. The reason Australians are stocking up on essential dunny supplies? One word: Coronavirus.

Look, I definitely don’t want to make light of the serious situation some parts of the world and many individuals are facing right now, but I certainly want to mock people who are panic buying toilet paper. I can’t help but feel the urge to point out to my Australian cousins that Coronavirus is a RESPIRATORY disease.

That’s breathing stuff to you and me, cobber.

Toilet paper will not help you, unless you are looking to fashion some sort of rudimentary filtered head scarf system and even then I fear you will be less protected than you feel silly.

I appreciate there’s some rare cases of diarrhea in some cases of COVID-19, but the maths doesn’t add up. The chances are contracting it are very low, the chances of developing more than mild symptoms are also low and the chances of a full recovery are very high. By assigning a probability factor to each of these conditions and then multiplying them together using the appropriate mathematical formulas simply gives the answer of:

TOO MUCH XXXXING TOILET PAPER.

Yet it’s this humble staple that’s the current target of the shopping frenzy. Not food, bottled water, dried goods, survival gear or medicines — there’s plenty of availability there — just toilet paper. So how did we descent so unattractively into such an embarrassing debacle?

More than likely, someone bought a lot, was spotted by someone else, who also bought a lot thinking that person must ‘know what they’re doing’, which emptied the shelves, worrying the other shoppers, who bought more ‘just in case’, which then triggered a panic buy in other stores when the original store ran out of the now hallowed product.

Add in social media, especially Twitter, and the die is cast. And that’s how that happens.

There’s no question that Twitter brings out the worst in people, but it also brings out the the pure genius of many others. In fact, Twitter is the perfect place to show off mankind’s uncanny ability to be both at the same time.

And there's possibly no better example than in this case of panic buying toilet paper for an end of world scenario that is unlikely to actually need it, while laughing at the fact we are doing so.

So, what does this tell us about Mankind’s actual ability to survive an end of world event?

Far more than we’d all like to acknowledge.

After millions of years of fight-or-flight reflexes being honed and sharpened over countless generations in readiness for the final showdown, we have universally decided that having a clean bum is actually more important than any of that stuff.

I’m not sure where we go from here.

But you can be sure we’ll be posting pictures of it on Twitter and coming up with ingenious memes to while away the small, desperate hours as the lights go out.

By the way, I also wrote a completely sensible article on Coronavirus that includes facts, figures and an assessment of what the dangers we really face actually are. You can read it here:

Coronavirus Is Not the Real Danger

There’s something else that will ultimately do more damage

medium.com

And there’s not a single mention of toilet paper. Promise.

If you’re into humor, but not necessarily the end of the world, you might like these also: