What Does it Mean to Be Sex Positive?
Expressing our sexuality is bold and beautiful
There’s still a good bit of confusion surrounding what it means to be sex positive.
I’ll admit that the term wasn’t something I was familiar with until recently. I never heard it in my writing courses or psych classes in college. Years ago, when I was dating, no one ever called themselves sex positive.
It wasn’t until I started researching my various growing sexual desires that I first started reading about the sex positive movement.
I’ve learned a lot about myself in my sexual exploration, including (1) I’m not hardwired for monogamy, (2) being sexually submissive is maybe my biggest turn-on, and (3) after some real-life consensual experimentation with two of my women friends — I’m maybe not completely straight.
And, most importantly, I’ve learned how to let go of a lot of repressed shame in order to find the courage to start sexually expressing myself.
I didn’t have much encouragement to be sex positive when I was growing up. To my parents, talking about sex was taboo and difficult.
Exploring one’s body and learning about physical pleasure through masturbation was never a topic of conversation. Nakedness was embarrassing and inappropriate and always sexualized.
I’ve worked hard to let go of my negative self-judgment and shame surrounding sex. I still have more work to do, but I’m worlds away from where I was.
Some of the ways I like to express my sex positivity include:
- Publishing both research-based and personal articles on sex and relationships, with the purpose of helping both myself and others
- Pursuing my sexual kinks and desires with others (in a safe, consensual way)
- Comprehensive sex education on anything from gender identity and sexual orientation to better orgasms and communication about sex in romantic relationships
- Taking an active part in exploring my sexual journey
We should be empowered to pursue our physical, mental, and emotional pleasure, whatever that may look like, as long as we aren’t hurting anyone. And we should be in charge of how we express our sexuality — free of judgment from others.
What sex positivity is, and what it isn’t
Based on some of the articles I’ve been reading lately, I know there are still people out there who are confused about the phrase sex positive and where it comes from.
Some may view the term as just another catchy hashtag or unnecessary label. Some might say that we are simply lemmings, following yet another eye-roll inducing social trend.
I have to respectfully disagree. I don’t think educating ourselves on human sexuality in an attempt to promote healthy, safe, and sane behaviors while shifting the kind of cultural negativity around sex that often leads to repression, destructive relationships, and crimes of sexual violence makes us lemmings.
Or if it does, I guess you can sign this lemming up.
As for where the label comes from, we can go as far back as the 1920s and look at Wilhelm Reich’s work. He was often given credit for the phrase when he stated, contrary to popular belief, that sex is positive and healthy — not dirty. (Gabrielle Kassel, Healthline)
Reich was a psychoanalyst, a doctor of medicine, and one of the most radical figures in the history of psychiatry. He doesn’t scream someone who follows herd mentality without doing his own research (i.e. lemming). Quite the opposite, actually.
Sex positivity isn’t just another buzzword to look up on Urban Dictionary. It’s a framework that counselors, medical professionals and universities are using to educate and talk with young people about issues relating to sexuality and sexual health. Sex positive means being comfortable with one’s own sexual identity and with the sexual behaviors of others, with the purpose of promoting healthy, smart, safe and consensual sex. — Sophia Tulp, jounalist, USA Today
Sometimes, when thinking about sex positivity as a social and philosophical movement, it’s easier to look at what not to do.
- It means not shaming mothers who are breastfeeding in public because God forbid anyone on the street see a female nipple or breast giving a child the miracle of life and doing what it was made to do.
- It means not blaming victims of sexual harassment or assault for any reason. No means no, and just because our outfit shows lots of skin or we’re strippers or we post erotic photos of ourselves online — that does not mean we should be charged with neglecting our own safety if someone tries to force themselves on us without consent.
- Becoming a sex positive society means that a woman can walk down the street in broad daylight, fully nude, and not be blamed for making herself susceptible to rape. In fact, I’m ready for the day where a gorgeous naked gal can walk down the street and not be in danger of rape, full stop. I know there will always be dangerous or crazy people in this world, and because of this, we have to always take precautions. But we can still work toward a better society where sex is seen as a healthy and natural part of being human. Like exercise or relationships or watching Schitt’s Creek.
- Being sex positive also means not being ageist when it comes to older people enjoying physical pleasure. Human beings are sexual creatures. And though our natural aging process can sometimes bring more challenges, there is no reason to ever judge an older woman for being a sexual being — whether she’s 40 or 60 or 80 (or beyond). Same goes for men and the “dirty old man” trope, which is often thrown around with no clear reason other than that he has sexual desires, like everyone else.
- Being sex positive means not yucking anyone’s yums or making assumptions based on their desires/fantasies. As long as my rape fantasy is safe, sane, and consensual, it’s simply a healthy expression of my submissive hardwiring — one that’s a major turn-on.
- And, if our sexual desire is actually having no sex at all, that should be fully acceptable as well. It’s not one size fits all. I might be okay with something while my online friend isn’t okay with it. The difference between sex positivity and sex negativity, though, is whether or not we decide to hurt others for liking what they like (that’s yucking their yums).
- Though this list isn’t all-encompassing, I’ll end it with this. Sex positivity means not assuming that human sexuality and the various ways we as individuals enjoy expressing it is inherently harmful, unnatural, dirty, or uncontrollable.
Love and let love
I recently published an article about why I post my erotic photos on social media. Some of it has to do with the attention, sure. But so many of us enjoy attention. That’s also part of the reason why we write or create art — to bring attention to our ideas.
But for those of us who put our sexual selves out there, like me or my fellow sexuality writer, Julia Beaudett, there’s more to it than attention. It’s an outlet for expressing our sexuality. It’s a way for us to show that having a sex positive attitude means letting go of our shame — and embracing our beautiful sexual selves.
This story is part of Sexual Espresso, a weekly column published here at Sexual Tendencies.