IDENTITY/DISCOVERY and the ‘A’ in LGBTQIA+
What does it mean to be Demisexual
So… I think I’m demisexual.
In fact, I’m certain I’m demisexual, but I have this weird thing where I feel like I can’t claim a label unless someone else confirms it, and so far the few people I’ve shared this notion with have basically just thought I was weird (which I am, but that’s beside the point). I write about sex, after all. How can I be demi-sexual if I’m writing about sex all the time?
I’ll get to that later — but first — what led me to come to this conclusion in the first place?
Well, first I came across the idea of asexuality, which according to the Asexual Visibility and Education Network (AVEN) can be defined this way:
An asexual person does not experience sexual attraction — they are not drawn to people sexually and do not desire to act upon attraction to others in a sexual way.
When I stumbled upon this notion a couple of years ago, I almost felt like I’d come home. It made perfect sense to me. As a rule, I don’t experience sexual attraction. I pretty much never think about sex outside of when I write about it, and the occasional urge I have with my husband.
I understood all of a sudden why my teenage friends were so obsessed with so many male celebrities, and so focused on what they perceived was vitally important… having a boyfriend.
As I researched more about Asexuality, I came across the idea of Grey Asexuality and Demisexuality.
AVEN has this to say about these:
Some gray folks may have had some sexual experiences in their past, but it was fleeting and doesn’t reflect their ongoing experiences or sense of self. Others who identify as being in the gray area might feel vague and infrequent sexual attraction but it’s not enough to act on. This is a very subjective topic based on personal interpretation of intrinsic feelings and experiences, but the common ground is usually that people in the gray area have had some semblance of sexuality that’s far lower than almost all other people who identify as sexual.
AND
Demisexuality is feeling no sexual attraction towards other people unless a strong emotional bond has been established. This is often included in or paired with the graysexual category because demisexual people may essentially feel like they’re asexual when they don’t have that bond with anyone, and the bond typically takes a long time to establish.
And that last point is where everything clicked into place. All those celebrities my friends gushed over were never, ever attractive to me, not until I’d seen them in the starring role of some romantic story, playing the perfect romantic hero. As far as I was concerned Christian Slater was ugly until I saw him in Bed of Roses, and I couldn’t understand what everyone saw in Leonardo DiCaprio until I saw him in Romeo and Juliet. It wasn’t until I formed an emotional connection to the characters that I felt any sort of attraction to the actors themselves.
And it’s the same for me in real life. I’ve only had a few relationships, but each time the attraction developed only after a I formed an emotional connection with the person in question.
And this is where the writing comes in. Obviously I enjoy having sex. I wouldn’t do it otherwise. The act brings great enjoyment when done properly between consenting individuals who care for each other’s pleasure.
And this is what I like writing about. I like that connection. I like that the right touch can make someone feel wonderful, and that the stories I write might also be able to bring someone that sense of joy and arousal.
It isn’t a contradiction that I write about sex when I rarely experience the urge myself.
I’ve always known I was strange, but coming across these terms made me really understand exactly how I was different, and more to the point, how different everyone else was to me. Now I understand when a friend goes ‘OMG’ at some stranger in the street, and more importantly, why I don’t.
If you enjoy reading steamy romance and erotic short stories, you might enjoy mine… check them out here:
Be Open Says;
Everyone can contribute to this Open Poem!
