Sexuality
What Do You Mean There is a Cut-off Time for Sex?
Since when are we on the clock?
“True love is not a hide and seek game: in true love, both lovers seek each other.” — Michael Bassey Johnson
Young Hot Sex
Before responsibilities fell on our shoulders; anytime was an enjoyable time for sex. Before there were children, we hit it in the morning before going to work. Sometimes, we would meet at home for lunch to take care of business, even though neither of our jobs was close to our home. At a party, one of us could look across the room at the other, and we would both make a move for our coats, making apologies as we made a beeline to the door. About five years in, we pulled over behind a Walmart and got it on, and I mean we got it on. We surprised ourselves with the intensity of our lust for each other in an uncomfortable family car.
Now, we are empty nesters. My spouse has slowed down a little in the bedroom, but not much. We both laugh when he puts on the song, As Good as I Once Was, I know what’s on his mind.
“I ain’t as good as I once was I got a few years on me now But there was a time back in my prime When I could really lay it down And if you need some love tonight Then I might have just enough I ain’t as good as I once was But I’m as good once as I ever was ”
As Good as I Once Was — Toby Keith / Honkytonk University — released 2005 Label — DreamWorks Song Writers: Toby Keith; Scotty Emerick
As the song drifts out of our bedroom and my spouse sings along, we laugh at ourselves. We both know the words and agree. What happened to those two young wild people?
A Bad Day
I had a day that was just too much. I went out to run errands. There were stupid people everywhere I went. I ran into the Publix grocery store to get a BOGO special. At checkout, the cashier damn near had a heart attack when I tried to hand her my cash. “Just put it on the counter”, she said. I did. “No one uses cash anymore,” she yelled at me. The cost was less than $10. I had a ten-dollar bill. Good Grief. Give me a break. I’m sorry I had a flashback to a time before credit cards and the internet.
When I got home, there was water leaking from under the bathroom sink fixture. Also, one cat missed the litter box by mere inches. I cleaned up the cat poo and emptied the litter box. I then took everything out from under the sink, dried it off, tightened a loose coupling on the drainpipe, then put everything back. Dinner that night, frozen chicken pot pie, and a small salad. We cleaned up the kitchen together. My spouse went to finish laundry; I sat down to write.
About 11 p.m., he sticks his head in and says, “When are you coming to bed?” Oh, oh, I know that inquiry is not about my sleeping habits. I say, “Soon, but it is past the cut-off time for on-request sex.” The man stares at me and asks, “So what time does on-request sex end?” I say, “11 p.m.”
My honey looks at me and said, “Well, it’s not 11 p.m. somewhere. I would like to have somewhere sex. Why don’t I heat some massage oil and give you a back rub? I’ll use my thumbs and find the trigger points. You like that idea?” I stared back at him without a verbal response.
Married Sex
My partner says, “Seriously. I don’t want to do that cut-off time stuff. No, is an acceptable answer, but I deserve a shot at seduction.”
I remembered an article I had read a while ago. Withholding Sex And What to Do About It by Kathy Bateson in Paired Life, related how women use sex as power.
“Rejection hurts. Ask any guy and he’ll tell you stories of rejections that cut him to the bone. When a lover withholds sex, it’s a particular kind of rejection that can affect a person’s self-esteem and thought processes. People can have many valid reasons for not wanting to have sex, but often this physical act of intimacy can be wielded like a sword. “Do as I wish, or I will cut you to your very core!” — Kathy Bateson
I was not on a sexual power trip. I had a crummy day and was overreacting. I understood what he was trying to communicate. One of the best things about being a married couple is that you can say anything.
I rephrased my answer, “No, I don’t want to have sex with you tonight because I am exhausted. I am open to you running me a bath, bringing me a drink, and rubbing my back with warm oil.” He did all those things. In response, I fell fast asleep while he was rubbing my back. The next thing I knew, it was morning. The next night, I was interested in what he was interested in. We spent the day looking into each other’s eyes and smiling. Anticipation is delightful.
No Cut Off Times
I learned it mattered to him was I did not make up an arbitrary rule that would routinely affect his ability to be intimate with me. The “No” was not the issue. The prospect of an arbitrary hour of the day after which there would be no loving was the issue. My not wanting to have sex had nothing to do with him, it had to do with me and my interactions with the world. He had no control over what the world tried to do to me each day.
I agreed with my husband. There will be no official cut-off time for sex in our house.
Toni Crowe retired as the Vice President of Operations to pursue her dream of being a writer. Toni has written six books, two of which won the 2019 Reader’s Choice Gold Awards. Her bestselling business book, “Bullets and Bosses Don’t Have Friends: How Do You Manage A Man Sitting With His Dick in His Hand?” was one of the winners. Her first book, “Never a $7 Whore” was the other.
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