Parenting

My Grandfather Told Me, “Don’t Suck That First Dick for Money.”

I have followed his wise advice.

My grandfather always said that living is like licking honey off a thorn. – Louis Adamic

My Grandfather Magic was a professional grifter. A sharp-dressed handsome man, he made his living cheating people. He talked fast but with an educated Southern lilt — people who judged his book by its cover got cheated. My mother would say Grandpa could sell matches in hell.

Going to the Park?

After he and my Grandmother divorced, Grandfather became a nomad, traveling the United States, never settling down. When I was a child, he’d live with my mother and father off and on when he was in town. I was my Grandfather’s first grandchild and his favorite. He doted on me. Often, he would take me to the park, or so my parents thought. In actual life, we would go out on exciting adventures.

Three-Card-Monty Folly

Sometimes we would go to the 63rd Street El (train) station and play games. I learned from my Grandfather that “three-card-monte” was a scam card game. Me, Grandfather and two of his friends would go to the EL station. There we would play three-card-monte.

To play, there are three cards, two red, one black. Suckers bet that if they can pick the black card after the dealer mixes them up in front of you. There was never a black card when Gramps finished mixing the cards.

First, one of my Grandfather’s friends would win. Then his other friend would win. Finally, I, a mere child of ten, would play. And I would win big.

Grandfather instructed me always to pick the card on the left — surprise, the card on the left was always a winner. Thus, an innocent little girl beating the game would attract loads of people to play, most of them losing their money to my Grandpa.

At the end of the evening, Grandfather Marlo would divide the money by four, with Marlo keeping both my and his portion. I would get all the ice cream I could eat. I didn’t have to lie because when my parents and my siblings went with us to the park, we actually went to the park.

A New Player

One day, another of Grandfather Marlo’s friends joined us at three-card-monte. She was beautiful, but I thought she looked cold. She had on a short coat, fishnet stockings, and high heels. Somebody styled her hair and make-up to make her look like Diahann Carroll. The friend was another “winner” designed to attract others to play as they entered or left the train station. She kept leaving to go to the restroom. We all went to the ice cream shop. I ordered a vanilla shake.

When I asked if she was feeling better, she looked at me strangely. “You kept going to the bathroom,” I said. Grandfather and his friend exchanged a long look. She said, “I was working. I make sad men feel better.” I sat there for a moment. Then I asked, “In the bathroom?”

Grandfather gave it to me straight, “She puts their wee-wees in her mouth to make them happy.” I almost dropped my ice cream on the ground, thinking about that. I ate my ice cream and contemplated having a job where you put wee-wees in your mouth in a train station bathroom.

Don’t Suck the First One for Money

Later, Grandfather talked to me about his friend as we were preparing to play “Old Maid.” He said that she fell in love with an evil man many years ago. And just like we tricked people into playing cards with us when there was no way to win; her man had tricked her into putting dicks in her mouth for money.

Marlo said that the first time she put a wee-wee in her mouth, it was for a lot of money. After the first dick, the price went down with each subsequent dick until she ended up where she was now…sucking strange dongs in a public restroom for almost no money.

Grandfather looked me in the eyes and gave me sage advice. No matter how much the men say they were going to give me, I could not suck a dick for money. “If you suck that first one for the money, there will be many more after that. Promise me,” he said. I said “ok” because it sounded nasty.

Grandfather continued, “And not just for money. Don’t suck a dick for any compensation. Jewelry, furs, favor or candy,” he said. “Ok, Grandpa,” I said. “I won’t suck any dicks. At all. Now can we play cards?” Grandpa smiled and dealt the cards.

It was years later, when I fell in love with my own unscrupulous man, that Grandfather’s advice popped back into my head. I did not suck that first dick for money, and it made all the difference.

Thank you, Grandpa Magic.

Toni Crowe retired as the Vice President of Operations to pursue her dream of being a writer. Toni has written six books, two of which won the 2019 Reader’s Choice Gold Awards. Her bestselling business book, “Bullets and Bosses Don’t Have Friends: How Do You Manage A Man Sitting With His Dick in His Hand?” was one of the winners. Her first book, “Never a $7 Whore” was the other.

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